Lately I’ve been feeling that if I could vomit I would be able to purge my body of my illness and pain.

The funny thing is that vomiting freaks me out. It always has. The thought of having the contents of my stomach pushed out of me with immeasurable force until there is nothing left but air makes me queasy. It has always embarrassed me to lose control of my body in that way. So my body contorting as I heave and retch uncontrollably has never been undesirable.

Now I crave those sensations. I want to expel the toxic combination of chemicals I’m feeding my body to fight the pain. I want to spew the pain so it can be flushed away from me. And I want to banish the bitter bile that is building in every cell of my body as my illness and pain mock the conventions of medicine and refuse to be purged.

Mostly, I long for the fresh sensation I have felt after washing the film of expelled matter from my mouth. I want my body to feel the relief of release. I want to feel cleansed.

But my body will not cooperate. The pain and illness continue to dig in – literally. And the nausea in my stomach remains, but I cannot vomit.

Stevie Wonder – Lately