Category Archives for Mental Health

I Have An Important Date

Yesterday afternoon, I got great news. My new surgeon made room for me in his summer schedule, which means I’ll be having surgery sooner than I expected. I am scheduled to have surgery on August 11th. I didn’t know how to react to the call. I’m happy that after such a short timeline from his second opinion in April to my follow-up consultation at the beginning of June that his conviction about working to improve my quality of life has come to fruition. But, my surgeon’s administrative assistant felt compelled to tell me that I didn’t have to take the date if it’s too soon or doesn’t work for me for any other reason because she recognized how stunned I was by the news. I assured her there is no reason to reschedule me. I think waiting two years to have someone, anyone, take decisive action with the intention to get me better is long enough.

I’m also full of anxiety. I’ve had surgery before, but this surgery is the biggest medical procedure I’ve had in my entire life. I’ll be on the operating table for three hours – or longer – as at least three surgeons work on removing the growth that is invading my pelvis and repairing the damage it may have inflicted on multiple organs. The known possible outcomes that fall on what I’ll characterize as the negative plane of the spectrum could drastically change my life. Not to mention, my surgeon predicts a minimum five nights stay in the hospital post-surgery – if everything goes well – that could turn out to be longer depending on what they find or how much of my rectum he must remove. Yet, I know that there is a positive, bright side of the same spectrum that could mean the end of my pain and the beginning of what’s next in my life, now that my eyes are open to the suffering that exists in the lives of so many people because of chronic pain and chronic illnesses.

Still, mixed into the confused pool of emotions I was excited enough to call or send messages to all my friends and family who support me through this illness at every turn – good or bad. Everyone I connected with was very happy to hear the news. They’ve all been waiting with great anticipation since I told them I would most likely have a surgery date for the end of the summer. Those who expect to be involved in my aftercare immediately reminded me of the commitment they’ve made to me to help in whatever way they can when I’m released from the hospital. Some made even grander gestures of support, offering to take me into their homes for my entire recovery. All of this continued support means everything to me and I know I’ll never be able to repay it, but I also know that without it I wouldn’t have made it this far.

I have an important date and my hope is that when it ends I’ll be on my way to better health.

 

Mr. Mister – Broken Wings

I’m Not Lucky… I Am Blessed

I spoke to two important men in my life yesterday. Each of them is important for a different reason, but I love them both dearly.

The first is an old teacher of mine from junior high school. I know that seems strange. Why am I still in contact with someone who taught me geography when I was thirteen years old? I’m still in touch with him because he is a genuinely good person. When I was thirteen, he treated me, and a group of my friends, with respect. He always spoke to us as if we were human beings with brains in our heads. He listened to us. He challenged us. Most importantly, he taught us the value of working hard and he made us each feel special.

He called me yesterday because he needed his spirits lifted. He is in his early seventies and he has multiple health issues. Recently, his wife had a bad fall and was hospitalized. Her injury means that she won’t be able to move back into their home. That’s not good news for either of them. He’s not well enough to live alone and he doesn’t know if it’s possible for both of them to get placement in the same nursing or retirement home. He’s very sad and worried about that. I’m very sad and worried for him.

To take his mind off his troubles he called to see how I’m doing. He had it in mind that I already had my big surgery. When I explained the complicated path I’ve been on, he responded with something I didn’t expect. He wanted to know how I was managing to stay so positive with everything that’s been going on over the past few years. I answered without hesitation, “I have no choice”. If I weren’t positive, I would fall apart. If I weren’t positive, who would he be able to call to have a good laugh with? We did laugh. By the time we hung up I got him to promise to call me more often to let me know how he’s doing and to try to eat more than he is so he can keep his strength up to go for the daily walks he loves. He made me promise to call him more often so he knows that I’m thinking about him. That was an easy promise to make. I called him this afternoon to make sure he ate something today and went for his walk. Then we found a few sad things in both our lives to mock and laugh about. We ended our conversation as we usually do with ‘I love yous’.

The second of the important men who called me is an adoptive uncle. He’s been part of my life on and off since I was about 10. He’s one of the people I’ve felt guilty about having in my life because of how my mother’s relationship with his brother ended – whom, by the way, I still consider my stepfather. My uncle called to see how I am. He was very apologetic because it’s been about a week since we last spoke, and he felt the conversation had been too short. He also feels that he hasn’t been supporting me enough. I had to stop him from believing that. I told him how lucky I feel for him and all the other people I have – including my growing online community – in my life who show me love. He told me that I’m wrong. He said that luck has nothing to do with the love I have in my life. He said that the love I have in my life is a blessing.

I had to agree with him. I do feel blessed. I am blessed because he never gave up on having me in his life even though I am not his brother’s biological child. He was one of the first in his family to come to my aid when he learned about my illness. He has demonstrated that he is willing to drop whatever he’s doing at any time to help me. He is my family more strongly than many of whom I’m related to by blood.

These two important men in my life are blessings. Just receiving phone calls from them makes me feel loved. Those phone calls have been added to the huge pile of blessings I feel building in and around me.

 

Avril Lavigne – Keep Holding On

Zentangle: My Way

I’ve been tangling. I like saying that. Although, it sounds a bit grandiose because I’ve only learned about two dozen official tangle patterns, and completed six regular-sized tiles and one 5”x7” page filled with the two dozen patterns I’ve learned.

I worked my way through the ‘Zentangle Basics 1’ instruction book over the past few weeks. I did it with a few small hacks. First, I didn’t buy the official square white Zentangle tiles because I was uncertain about committing to Zentangle by buying the official kit. I decided instead to use a 5”x7” art sketchbook – the same as my art/gratitude journal – mainly so I can draw the individual steps as I learn each tangle pattern, which I do by tracing the lid of a small loose-leaf tea tin as a frame for drawing each of the steps in a tangle. It has been a good exercise for me to learn the tangle patterns using this method of repetition: not simply because I’m learning to draw them but also because it increases my patience and helps me to focus my attention.

After learning four patterns, I was then going to mark off a 3.5”x3.5” square on a page of the sketchbook with a ruler to use as a Zentangle tile, but I found I didn’t have to measure anything because as I looked around my small space I noticed that my drink coasters measure exactly 3.5”x3.5”. I traced the decorated piece of square glass then I followed the steps outlined in the Zentangle instruction book and I drew a string to form sections within the 3.5”x3.5” space to fill with the tangle patterns. I repeated these steps with new tangle patterns six times and I now have six completed ‘tiles’, and one large 5”x7” mess of 25 tangle patterns. I call it a mess in jest because I’m proud of what I’ve learned, but my eye for perfection can see the few tangle patterns with which I’ve struggled peeking out at me and I have the urge to try to fix them, which goes against the Zentangle method.

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I should add that until about a week ago I didn’t have the recommended Sakura Pigma Micron pens. I started out with an ultra-fine black Sharpie pen. This was partly because it seemed impossible to get a hold of the Micron pens anywhere, and I’m limited in my ability to venture out to do things, so I ordered the Sharpies online. I finally located Sakura Microns online, in abundance, at Cult Pens – Pinterest is a great resource when you’re trying to find something you really want. I have to admit that I find tangling patterns with the Micron pens a lot easier. The ink flows more smoothly, the different nib sizes make it easier to fill in the larger areas in some tangles, and the black ink is richer.

The last hack is one I read about on a blog somewhere – I wish I could remember which one so I could give it credit. Shading is used in Zentangle to add dimension to tangles. You can add shading to the tangle patterns in your tile with a pencil then using a blending stump or Tortillion blend and create a softer effect. The hack I learned is to use a cotton swab/Q-tip instead of a blending stump to smudge and blend the pencil to add dimension to the tangle patterns. This is working really well to add shading to the tiles I’m creating in my sketchbook. It’s interesting to see how I can transform the lines from flat marks on a page to images with depth.

I think I’ll continue to use my hacks for a while longer until I feel more confident, especially because my medications sometimes make my hands unsteady and I fear ruining many real Zentangle squares. However, I will definitely continue to use the method I’ve developed with the lid of my loose-leaf tea tin to learn new tangle patterns when I graduate to using official Zentangle squares. It’s nice to flip through the pages of my sketchbook as a reference for what tangle patterns I can use and to see what I’ve learned.

I had difficulty finding a song to add to this post to reflect the sentiment I had about choosing not to adhere to the precision of the Zentangle method (i.e. improvising with materials), but as I searched for a song about options/choice I came across this song by Yusuf Islam (formerly Cat Stevens) that felt right: In the End. The blurb on the page where I found the song says, “According to Yusuf Islam, in the song he is asking people to look at themselves and check that they’re making the right choices because they’ll be judged – in the end.”

 

Yusuf Islam – In The End