Category Archives for Mental Health

Pain and Intimacy Don’t Mix

When I became ill I was not in a relationship. Now I can’t see how it will ever be possible to start a relationship.

I’m in pain every minute of every day. That’s not exactly conducive to fulfilling my carnal or emotional needs or responding to those of another person. But to get those needs fulfilled I’d first have to have desires. I have none. I don’t think about being with anyone. Not kissing. Not touching. Not having sex.

I spend my days trying to focus on doing the most basic activities – showering, dressing, taking medication, eating, sleeping – so thoughts of intimacy rarely make it to the front of my mind. If they do, they are in the form of longings about what used to be; with a resigned acceptance that I may never experience the comforts and pleasures of a relationship again.

My friends try to reassure me that my illness doesn’t have to rob me of a full life that includes being close to and sharing my life with someone else. I’ve also been told that I need to expand my definition of what sex is to include more than intercourse. But the issue isn’t just the act of sex. I’m in so much pain all the time I can’t imagine someone touching me or getting close to me with physical intimacy being the goal. Besides, I’m taking so much pain medication I don’t know if I could think clearly long enough to get to know someone sufficiently to decide if I would want to be in a relationship with them.

So what do I do? How do I pursue intimacy knowing that I might not be able to make my body follow the will of my mind? And worse still, what happens if the pain never gives me a break so I can think, talk, and act on behalf of my desires when they show up?

U2 – Desire

Tough Week

I’ve had a tough week with an unending pain flare up that my pain medications are barely touching.

I’m not fully recovered from a procedure I had last week intended to relieve suspected nerve pain. It failed, but the aggravation it caused to my condition is still with me.

I’m under attack from my thoughts as I wait for an appointment to get a second opinion about the surgery needed to repair the congenital condition that decided to create painful unrest in my body. Current opinions point to the surgery causing significant complications and I can’t stop my mind from imagining the worst. My overactive mind is causing me stress that in turn is causing me to experience greater pain.

I’m not sleeping well. See above.

I’m fighting the fiction my horrible boss created to terminate my employment and deny me extended health benefits. This fight involves digging up historical information to counter everything being used to justify taking away a significant support from me during my illness. This fight is taxing my mind and body.

If I can’t disconnect and relax I’m going to end up in the emergency room again.

 

Frankie Goes to Hollywood – Relax (original version)

Monday Monday

I have spent the last few days recovering from the procedure I had on Thursday that failed to deliver the results my surgeon was hoping it would achieve. Although it did make me have a pain flare up. Thursday night was very uncomfortable and I woke up every few hours during the night. I was fortunate to have pain medication to cover me during the night– the pain specialist modified my medications a few weeks ago to make sure I have pain relief when I’m awake at night, which is typical of my life now.

I’m now back to what I call ‘normal pain levels’. The sharp pain I had because of the procedure has passed. What’s left is the pain that is always with me. The pain that reminds me that there is something wrong with my body that needs to be put right.

Tomorrow morning (Monday), I’ll be meeting with my surgeon to discuss what she believes should be the next step. She has already made it clear that she has significant concerns about performing the surgery prescribed for my condition. Tomorrow’s appointment will push me closer to making a decision that may change my life so drastically I won’t recognize myself.

It isn’t noon yet and my anxiety about tomorrow’s appointment can’t be measured.

 

I leave with The Mamas & The Papas whose words I hope are not an omen of what I should expect tomorrow

The Mamas & The Papas – Monday Monday