“We see things not as they are, but as we are. Because it is the ‘I’ behind the ‘eye’ that does the seeing.” ― Anaïs Nin, Author
This is one of my favourite quotes.
It reminds me that I—actually all of us—must be mindful of the assumptions and judgments we make about people in our lives and people in the world around us because we rarely know all the reasons, past or present, that affect someone’s actions and/or behaviours.
Doing something with the best intentions doesn’t necessarily mean that what one does is welcomed or perceived as the right thing. Sometimes we get too close to a situation and believe that what we might do in our own best interest is also the right thing to do to resolve issues in another’s life. That doesn’t always work out to be true because some people don’t like feeling as if they are being told what to do or that they are being judged. Even when our intentions come from a compassionate and caring place, if the person on the receiving end cannot see that, nothing that we offer them will be welcome. I’ve come to this realization the hard way.
A recent event that was both emotionally painful and shocking, reminded me that when someone perceives things as negative there is rarely anything that can be done to shift that perception. I reached a disappointing impasse in a relationship where I wrongly believed progress had been made and the work of trying to understand each other had been fruitful. However, as it turns out, my hopefulness blinded me and it clouded the truth: All the work being done to understand was one-sided – on my side alone. In any relationship, positive progress cannot be made unless all parties involved are willing to try. Each party must be willing to look within themselves and face even the least desirable parts of who they are for a chance to become fully accountable for themselves and to the people who care for them.
Without this introspection, we doom ourselves to repeat the same mistakes and bring pain to others, and ourselves. Because when we don’t know what lies within us, even if we don’t intend to, we put the worst parts of ourselves out into the world. When anger and hatred fill us, we put anger and hatred into the world. That anger and hatred will pollute everything with which they come into contact. The people in our lives, whether that includes family, friends, or coworkers, won’t tolerate it forever. Those who do maintain the relationship may do so out of fear or a warped sense of obligation and they will avoid shedding light on the truth to prevent explosive confrontations.
When we accept this we rob the angry, hate filled individual of the opportunity to grow or make positive changes in their lives. The biggest of those changes being taking responsibility for themselves and their actions and no longer blaming others or external factors when things don’t work out in life as they desire them to. Sadly, the longer this behaviour continues without challenge and people avoid calling out the truth, the bigger the problem grows: until it reaches a point, where all interactions with that angry, hate filled person – even the briefest ones – are fraught with anxiety or fear.
At this point in my life, excess anxiety and anger are not conducive to me maintaining any degree of good health. Erratic emotions and outright anger cause me to experience pain flare-ups, so I try my best to keep things on an even keel as much as humanly possible. Being around people who have anger issues won’t and can’t help me keep balanced. Therefore, until they acknowledge and attempt to do the work necessary to identify what triggers their anger and how to manage it – which I’m aware, may never happen – I need to take a giant step back.
Saying this doesn’t mean I believe I’m perfect. I need to continue my introspective work, so I can hold myself accountable for my sh!t in the most truthful way. I need to step back and keep building on my safe and happy place, so I don’t pave my own road to hell with my best intentions towards others.
Zendoodle Hills – Ink – December 2018
Yesterday, I asked my friend U for a rain check on plans we made to go see a movie. It was the second time in the space of a month; but I had to. This time it was because my feet were swollen to the point of not being able to wear shoes – not even flip-flops – again. The previous opt-out was a few weeks earlier after I committed, with the best intentions, to attend one of her art exhibits. I had an appointment earlier that same day and experience has taught me that my body can’t handle more than one event or activity for a few hours in a day; any more than that will be followed by days, if not weeks, of increased pain.
Sadly, in the nearly five years since my illness started, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve asked U to reschedule or canceled our plans altogether. Similarly, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve rescheduled or canceled plans with other friends and family members; some of whom no longer bother making the effort to do things with me. Mind you, the arrival of my illness alone was enough to cause some people to disappear from my life early on. As I got ready to take a shower late last night, it dawned on me as I sat naked in my bathroom, that at the rate I’m going, I won’t have many friends left to reschedule or cancel plans with if I don’t come clean about the state of my life. So here I am, writing what amounts to an open letter to all my friends and my family members about what my version of living with a chronic illness looks like.
I know I talk about feeling pain, but maybe I still haven’t explained it clearly: This illness causes me to feel high levels of pain every minute of every day in almost every part of my body below my belly button. To cope with this pain I take large quantities of high-dose opioid-based pain medications (narcotics) six times each day. Even in these large doses, these opioid-based medications don’t come close to stopping the pain. However, without them, moving around or walking upright would be near impossible feats for me to accomplish. Unfortunately, because of these pain medications, I also have added medical complications from expected side effects and other symptoms – like the swelling in my legs and feet – that continue to defy explanation.
The truth is: nothing I’ve been prescribed controls my pain. In fact, my doctors can’t explain why – after multiple surgeries and many treatments that failed – I still have such high levels of pain nearly five years after this all started. Lucky for me, these doctors are all still invested in trying to figure it out. Although, that’s little comfort to me at times; especially when the pain flares up beyond a level where anyone should be expected to cope.
As a result, all I can do is manage my life in a way that minimizes pain flare-ups and the worsening of any of the side effects. That’s what I’ve been trying to do – and learn how to do better – with the different programs and treatments I’ve been participating in these last couple of years. The problem, I’m only now realizing, is that I haven’t been communicating with all of you what I need to do to manage things and take better care of myself or how much help I need to do it. The latter part of that statement is probably the most important: I haven’t told you that I need help taking care of myself.
Since my focus has been on trying not to be a bother or not making you worry about me, I haven’t been telling you the truth. Most days – even when I sound upbeat during phone calls or I add smiley-face emojis to text messages – I’M IN AGONY. Because of the pain I may not have slept more than a few hours in the previous 24 hours; I may not have taken a shower that day or the day before. I may not have cooked a proper meal in days, I may have a pile of dirty dishes in my kitchen sink or piles of clothes on my bed that I need to put away, and I may have put off doing my laundry again so the baskets continue to fill.
With all of this, and probably more, going undone because I’m in pain, when I ask for a rain check or cancel plans, it’s for the same reason: The pain or other symptoms are at levels I can’t cope with. Or I’m trying to manage them so they don’t reach levels where I won’t be able to move for days, or worse case land me in the hospital Emergency Room where all they can do for me is add extra doses to the pain medications I’m already taking.
Rescheduling or canceling is never because I don’t share the same desire to spend time with each of you. It’s never because I don’t respect your time or value the effort you go to when you plan something for us to do together. The relationships I have with each of you is unique, but that doesn’t mean I don’t owe each of you the same degree of respect and honesty. I don’t know if I’ve shared too much or not enough, but I do know that this is the truth about what I’m living with and I hope each of you will continue to stick around, so we can make more plans I might need rain checks for…
My Small Surrenders 