Category Archives for Relationships

Living On Edge for Me

I am the furthest thing from a religious person, but since becoming ill I see how blessed I am. There are people in my life that support me and stand by me – especially during times when I can barely stand on my own. They show me in so many ways how much they care about my health and well-being. And sometimes I lose sight of all that I have.

I have a friend who lives overseas that calls me every few weeks to check on me and get updates on the progress of the treatment of my illness. Last week I accidentally dialed his phone number because his name was in my call log right below the number of the person I intended to call. When I heard the overseas’ ringtone I quickly hung up because I realized I had misdialed. But within seconds of hanging up my friend called me back.

He panicked when he saw my call come through then disconnect. He called me back because he needed to make sure I was safe and that nothing had happened to me since our call a few days earlier. He asked if I had news from my doctors about the surgery I might have to have or if maybe my lawyer had called with news about my horrible boss. He was so relieved when I told him it was a misdial.

This friend is one of many friends and family who are on edge all the time for me. They wait with bated breath as I go to my many doctors’ appointments hoping I will come away with answers about how and when I will be better. They make time to research my condition and the many medications I take so they can have informative and supportive discussions with me. They propose things they hope will be helpful to combat my pain (meditation, acupuncture, marijuana and hypnosis). And – like my friend who called me in a panic – they all carry with them a degree of anxiety that grows the longer I continue to be ill.

That single phone call from my friend boosted me. He reminded me that I am not living through my illness alone. And in a few short minutes added to my blessings.

 

Coldplay – Don’t Panic

The Complicated Web That Is My Family

I wasn’t raised in a traditional nuclear family. My parents separated when I was very young. They each went on to have other relationships and marriages. Those relationships and marriages brought new families into my life and as an adult I still maintain connections to some of the people who became my aunties, uncles and cousins. The complicated part of all this is that when my parents moved on and cut ties from these people they expected me to do the same even though these people had become important figures in my life.

Now that I’m ill some of these aunties, uncles and cousins have stepped up to support me. They have made me meals to stock my freezer so I didn’t have to cook for weeks. They call to get progress updates about my condition. They come to visit and sit with me to just talk about nothing. They have shown up when I needed it and I didn’t have ask.

What makes this complicated is that these aunties, uncles and cousins are people who my mother cut out of her life. I have kept the support I’m receiving from them secret from my mother. Every time I speak to or see one of them I feel a bit guilty. Actually, it’s more accurate to say I feel conflicted. These people love me and I need all the love I can get right now, but I feel – I’ve always felt – that being with them betrays my mother.

I’ve been trying for what feels like forever to accept that these pieces of my life have to exist independent of each other. Right now maintaining separations and keeping secrets adds a layer of complication to my life that is exhausting when I need to focus my energy on bigger things. I’m aware that I’m making the choice that perpetuates this internal conflict but I feel like the alternative would be worse.

Why does family have to be so complicated?

 

Avril Lavigne – Complicated (Official Video)

Pain and Intimacy Don’t Mix

When I became ill I was not in a relationship. Now I can’t see how it will ever be possible to start a relationship.

I’m in pain every minute of every day. That’s not exactly conducive to fulfilling my carnal or emotional needs or responding to those of another person. But to get those needs fulfilled I’d first have to have desires. I have none. I don’t think about being with anyone. Not kissing. Not touching. Not having sex.

I spend my days trying to focus on doing the most basic activities – showering, dressing, taking medication, eating, sleeping – so thoughts of intimacy rarely make it to the front of my mind. If they do, they are in the form of longings about what used to be; with a resigned acceptance that I may never experience the comforts and pleasures of a relationship again.

My friends try to reassure me that my illness doesn’t have to rob me of a full life that includes being close to and sharing my life with someone else. I’ve also been told that I need to expand my definition of what sex is to include more than intercourse. But the issue isn’t just the act of sex. I’m in so much pain all the time I can’t imagine someone touching me or getting close to me with physical intimacy being the goal. Besides, I’m taking so much pain medication I don’t know if I could think clearly long enough to get to know someone sufficiently to decide if I would want to be in a relationship with them.

So what do I do? How do I pursue intimacy knowing that I might not be able to make my body follow the will of my mind? And worse still, what happens if the pain never gives me a break so I can think, talk, and act on behalf of my desires when they show up?

U2 – Desire