Category Archives for Surgery

Returning to Writing

Today is the first day I am writing here since my surgery on August 11, 2015. It’s not the first day because I was incapable before now. It’s the first day because emotionally I feel ready, although I’m not ready to write about the details of what happened to me. However, I will tell you that regardless of how things have turned out – from a surgical perspective – I still feel blessed. From the moment I woke up from the anesthetics, I’ve had so many people caring for and about me (medical staff, friends, and family), and that care continues today and probably will for some time to come.

The reason I’m writing now is that my emotions overcame me during a conversation I was having with my friend M this afternoon when she told me to “let people care for you. It serves them too.” It’s the first time I cried since having surgery – not counting the moments I will tell you about at another time when I was in the recovery room. M’s words opened me up because, I assume, I needed the right stimulant to open me up. M felt that this emotional breakdown might be a combination of all the chemicals, the drugs, and effects from surgery building up in my body. That does make sense, but what makes more sense is that I haven’t had a moment to be alone with myself and feelings about all that has happened since I came out of surgery and her words landed on me in a way that made it impossible to keep the emotions and tears inside me any longer. So, the tears spilled out, my breath became shallow, my throat ached and my shoulders shook as I cried.

I recognize that I am being cared for, but I haven’t been caring for myself. I haven’t been tending to my emotional needs even though I know that I’m the only person who can do that. Things – unnamed feelings, fears, anxiety, hurt – have been building up and I have to start to release them before they bury me.

 

Peter Gabriel – Digging In The Dirt

Absent With Hope

I’ll be away from the interwebs for a while. I’m having surgery later today. My surgeon – THE surgeon – will use his skills to work to restore my quality of life. Once his work is done, the rest will be up to me and how my body responds to the surgical pain or any nerve damage the mysterious growth in my pelvis may have caused.

I’m strangely calm about everything. I think it’s because I know I’m in good hands all around. I have an experienced surgeon leading the operation. He has chosen the other doctors on the team because he has worked with them on many cases and he trusts them. My aftercare is well planned, with every aspect of what could go wrong thought out and contingencies defined. More than anything, my friends and family continue to support me and they will be with me as I go through this.

My hope is that when I come back to writing, it will be with positive news. I hope the mysterious growth will no longer be a mystery and I hope that my pain – if not eliminated – will be significantly reduced. I’ll see you all on the other side of the mist.

 

U2 – Mysterious Ways

 

Power of Attorney and Final Wishes

This all feels so morbid. I just finished assigning my Power of Attorney and writing a letter that details my final wishes. I haven’t done these things because I don’t expect to survive my upcoming surgery – to be clear, I expect nothing less. I’ve done them because I can no longer escape the reality of my mortality. Even though I knew the time would arrive when I would need to do them, I didn’t think it would be so soon. Not having children has granted me the freedom to not look too closely at the “what ifs” and “what coulds” of the future near or far, until now.

My friend J will be one of two people who can make decisions about what can or cannot happen if things don’t go well on Tuesday. It’s a lot of responsibility, I know, but I trust her with my life and I trust that she will follow my wishes without hesitation. We talked about everything in detail yesterday. Until yesterday, she had a general understanding of how I want things handled, but now there are no questions. I will have to have the same conversation with the other person tomorrow or Monday.

I can’t fully articulate all of what I’m feeling right now. However, putting things in writing released a bit of the pressure and stress I’ve been feeling the past few weeks. Maybe this will help me sleep better tonight.

 

Queen – Under Pressure