Category Archives for Surgery

Surgery Is Awakening My Fears

I’m desperately hoping that someone out there can relate to what I’m going through now and give me some feedback on how they’ve coped with it. Since receiving the news that I’ll be having major surgery a few weeks from now my anxiety levels have started shooting through the roof and I’m sleeping even less – if that’s possible. With that I’ve been having nightmares and flashbacks – which I’m certain are related to past trauma – and I feel an overwhelming need to control or make right as many things as I can before the day arrives, even though I know this won’t be possible.

I’ve created a to-do-list of the practical things I have to do: power of attorney, pre-surgery appointments, financial arrangements (pre-paying bills), and post-surgery homecare needs, among other things. The list is almost finished, except for a few people I need to contact to let them know when I’ll be going into the hospital; and detailed instructions I need to write for the people who will care for me after surgery, but I feel like what I’m doing to prepare is not enough. Logically I know what I’m doing is right, but emotionally I feel as if I don’t have a clue about what to do. Listening to my body, I’m hearing mix of uncertain sounds in response to each thing I do and feeling waves of nausea as each day closes. I’ve experienced a mind-body disconnect before, but this time is different and I can’t explain how.

Circle ZIA - 7 Dollar Store Pens

Circle – Zentangle Inspired Art (ZIA)

The funny thing is that I’m not anxious about my surgeon’s abilities. I’m somehow anxious about my body’s ability to make it through something that ultimately is what it needs to get better. I don’t know how to calm my mind and body – even with the forced activity of my art/gratitude journal, Zentangle, music, and buckets of ice cream – beyond what I need to do to keep up appearances with everyone around me that I’m fine. I don’t know what to do in the middle of the night when it’s dark and I’m most alone with myself or in the daylight when the tears start and I can’t turn them off.

Does anyone have any experience with this kind of fear?

 

OneRepublic – Counting Stars

Surgery By The Numbers

Yesterday I met with my surgeon to discuss a laundry list of questions I started putting together as soon as he made the decisions that I need surgery and he would be my surgeon. My list consisted of twelve detailed questions with bullet points to cover all the possible combinations of what could happen during and after surgery; and how he might address all of those issues. He was very patient with me. With his team of two surgeons, he answered all my questions.

He gave me answers that included statistics about the probability about whether some things might or might not happen. For instance, there is a 10% chance that I might need a blood transfusion during surgery. That 10% depends on whether there are large blood vessels in or around the growth or other organs that could be injured in the process of removing the growth and cause significant bleeding. From my perspective, 10% is not a big number for probability of risk. The other statistical numbers he gave me were under 10%, and these low numbers gave me comfort.

He also talked numbers in terms of the size of organs. Did you know that your colon is about 5 feet or 60 inches long? He talked about how much of your colon and other organs you need to function normally. However, the one organ I’m most concerned about is my rectum. The rectum is about 18 centimetres or 7 inches long. According to my surgeon, you only need about half of your rectum for normal bodily functions. He does not believe that he will have to remove that much of my rectum. Therefore, I won’t need an ileostomy – temporary or permanent. Still, he did caution me again that imaging never tells the full story, so although he feels positive about what he will find we’ll have to wait and see what happens when he makes the incisions.

The last set of numbers he talked about related to my recovery. The typical recovery time required for someone who undergoes a resection – where everything goes well – is about six weeks. He will release me from the hospital after five nights if I am eating without any issues, there are no leaks in my resection, and my bowels are functioning normally. I will have my first post-surgical check-up three to four weeks after I leave the hospital. My surgeon will examine my wound to determine how well it’s healing. I will have staples in my incisions so he can remove them if I develop an infection. He will also use benchmarks like how I’m tolerating foods – solids vs. liquids – and how well my digestive system is functioning from top to bottom.

Surgery By The Numbers - My Hope

If everything goes well with the surgery, the rest will be left up to the pain specialists to manage my pain. My surgeon believes removing the growth will eliminate my pain. I hope he’s right. I know I have to be realistic based on what I’ve been living with for the past two years, but I hope his surgical skills combined with his optimism will lead to a full recovery of my health.

 

Brian McKnight – Win

I Have An Important Date

Yesterday afternoon, I got great news. My new surgeon made room for me in his summer schedule, which means I’ll be having surgery sooner than I expected. I am scheduled to have surgery on August 11th. I didn’t know how to react to the call. I’m happy that after such a short timeline from his second opinion in April to my follow-up consultation at the beginning of June that his conviction about working to improve my quality of life has come to fruition. But, my surgeon’s administrative assistant felt compelled to tell me that I didn’t have to take the date if it’s too soon or doesn’t work for me for any other reason because she recognized how stunned I was by the news. I assured her there is no reason to reschedule me. I think waiting two years to have someone, anyone, take decisive action with the intention to get me better is long enough.

I’m also full of anxiety. I’ve had surgery before, but this surgery is the biggest medical procedure I’ve had in my entire life. I’ll be on the operating table for three hours – or longer – as at least three surgeons work on removing the growth that is invading my pelvis and repairing the damage it may have inflicted on multiple organs. The known possible outcomes that fall on what I’ll characterize as the negative plane of the spectrum could drastically change my life. Not to mention, my surgeon predicts a minimum five nights stay in the hospital post-surgery – if everything goes well – that could turn out to be longer depending on what they find or how much of my rectum he must remove. Yet, I know that there is a positive, bright side of the same spectrum that could mean the end of my pain and the beginning of what’s next in my life, now that my eyes are open to the suffering that exists in the lives of so many people because of chronic pain and chronic illnesses.

Still, mixed into the confused pool of emotions I was excited enough to call or send messages to all my friends and family who support me through this illness at every turn – good or bad. Everyone I connected with was very happy to hear the news. They’ve all been waiting with great anticipation since I told them I would most likely have a surgery date for the end of the summer. Those who expect to be involved in my aftercare immediately reminded me of the commitment they’ve made to me to help in whatever way they can when I’m released from the hospital. Some made even grander gestures of support, offering to take me into their homes for my entire recovery. All of this continued support means everything to me and I know I’ll never be able to repay it, but I also know that without it I wouldn’t have made it this far.

I have an important date and my hope is that when it ends I’ll be on my way to better health.

 

Mr. Mister – Broken Wings