I took a break from writing for what should have been a few weeks. The weeks have ballooned into months. Not because I planned it but because it was becoming difficult to parse through what I need to focus on to keep myself healthy(ish) and sane while living with chronic pain; and what I want to do, to stay engaged with the world while keeping myself above any potential downward spiral into depression.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been trying to restart what had become my daily mindful, creative practice that included writing, but I’m still struggling. I had hoped that eliminating the pressure of scheduled time in front of my laptop keyboard and mound of art supplies would somehow recharge me and reignite my enthusiasm to share what happens in my life involving my illness, treatments, and coping methods. However, it’s possible that the opposite happened. Stepping away for so long might have further rusted my ability to concentrate and coherently string words together; or it could simply be – as it was when I started my break – that it continues to grow more difficult to find a comfortable position to sit in for long enough to engage my creativity and to record my thoughts.

Thankfully, my break did not extend to creating in my art journals/sketchbooks. In the time I’ve been away, while drawing and doodling, I’ve been inspired to handwrite poetry that doesn’t feel forced for the sake of having content for my blog. I’ve also scribbled thoughts about all that has happened in the margins of my art journal/sketchbook pages. My hope is that some of these scribbled thoughts might make their way into or become full posts in the near future.

In the time I’ve been away from writing, I crossed what to me is a significant milestone: the fifth year of living with my illness, its growing list of side effects and continual pain. Since all of this started five years ago, I’ve grown intimately familiar with the struggle of maintaining focus and concentration – on pretty much everything – as I push myself through each day physically and emotionally with some days being monumentally worse than others are. Strangely, most days, I feel numb at the same time that my body is overwhelmed by intense and sometimes unbearable pain. I don’t know if that will make sense to anyone else: Feeling nothing, while feeling everything all at once.

I may not have recharged during this break, but I’ve come to realize that whether I’m engaged with my creative practice or not, I’ve managed to make it this far with my illness; and, I suppose, I’ll continue to move forward whether I write about it daily or not.

Breaking My Unplanned Break Outline – November 2018

Breaking My Unplanned Break Filled – November 2018