The lines I draw in my sketchbook aren’t always neat and tidy, and they don’t always get filled with bright colours…
Sometimes I draw lines and shapes simply because I need to unload the clutter I feel in my head.
When I do that, what shows up on the page is usually an accurate reflection of the jumbled thoughts I’m trying to clear out.
I wonder how many of you use your sketchbooks in this way. 🤔
A few months ago, I wrote about having pain that prevented me from sitting or standing. As it turns out, that pain was one of the precursors to learning that I have a new growth in my pelvis: A hemorrhagic (bleeding) cyst to be exact. This new bleeding cyst took up residence in the same space where a previous growth—the one that started me down the chronic pain path—was surgically removed from my pelvis four years ago.
The pain that prevented me from sitting or standing subsided after about a week, but didn’t completely fade. Then it flared up with a vengeance and greater intensity one evening at the beginning of September. The resurging pain forced me to go to the hospital emergency room (ER), yet again, later that night because it felt like I was being stabbed repeatedly in my pelvis by an unseen blunt blade.
Hours later, when an emergency room doctor finally saw me, I was sent for a series of abdominal ultrasound scans. According to the results of those ultrasound scans, the source of the pain was identified as a bleeding cyst growing on my right ovary that measured 4 cm x 3 cm x 3 cm (1.6 in x 1.2 in x 1.2 in). What I was told after that was not at all comforting.
I was told that because the cyst was bleeding, it could not be removed surgically. Depending on how much it was bleeding, the possibility existed that the bleeding could hide or create other issues during surgery (think excessive bleeding into my belly/pelvis). Therefore, I would have to bear—and I have been bearing—the added pain until and if the bleeding stopped so the cyst could be removed and/or simply wait for it to go away on its own. That was more than nine weeks ago. The added pain is more bearable now, but that added pain tells me that the source of it, the bleeding cyst on my right ovary, remains.
Since the start of this new, more painful phase, I have had multiple medical appointments. I saw my General Practitioner (GP) as one is instructed to do following a visit to the ER to update medical records. What I was told in the ER was confirmed: Nothing could be done while the cyst continued bleeding. To monitor the level of bleeding, I had blood tests (in the ER and then in my GP’s office) to check my hemoglobin level to ensure that my red blood cell count was normal, which it was.
Next, I saw my Pain Specialist—who I was due to see anyway—to figure out what could be done to help manage this added pain better. During that appointment, one of my longer-term non-opioid pain medications was changed to see whether I might benefit from another medication, Lyrica, which is also known by its generic name as Pregabalin. Lyrica is typically prescribed to treat pain caused by nerve damage from a variety of serious illnesses (diabetes, shingles (herpes zoster) infection, or spinal cord injury, and fibromyalgia)—none of which I’ve had. Although, it has been determined that I do have some degree of nerve damage because of the length of time (two years) I had to wait for surgery to remove the growth that had grown in my pelvis and started my chronic pain.
The last person from the team of medical professionals whose support I heavily rely on who I saw to get their input on this newly identified issue was my Surgeon/Gynecologist. He’s been supporting me since shortly after my pelvic pain-related health issues started, when I became ill six years ago; and he participated in the surgery that removed the first offending growth from my pelvis four years ago. His opinion after my ER visit was the same as my other doctors: We have to wait to see what happens because of the bleeding. I was disappointed by that, but because I trust him, I felt that if that was his decision it had to be the right thing to do.
Since then, I’ve had a follow up appointment with my Surgeon/Gynecologist. Last week, I went in to that appointment with hope that some of the waiting would end because I was meeting with him to review the results from a second set of abdominal ultrasound scans taken about 2 weeks earlier. Those scans were to look for any significant changes and to help decide what happens next.
Leading up to this appointment, I had trouble sleeping because my mind anxiously raced with questions and possibilities about what the ultrasound scan results would determine:
The least appealing of these options is of course having another surgery—even if it’s the best option—because I’ve had two pelvic surgeries within the past four years. I don’t want another surgery or invasive procedure performed on my body. The thought of being put unconscious with more heavy doses of anesthetics does not feel good because with each surgery or invasive procedure I have that requires general anesthesia the doses of anesthetics needed to put me under keep getting higher because of the high doses of opioid-based pain medications I take to manage my daily pain. I’ve also noticed that after each surgery or invasive procedure that requires general anesthesia, it gets harder to wake me and the shock of the pain I feel when I wake also feels more intense. Still, even if I don’t want another surgery, I felt that if surgery is the best or only option, I’ll do what’s necessary to stop this added pain and get rid of this new growth.
During my Thursday appointment with my Surgeon/Gynecologist, my anxiety was calmed slightly because I learned that I don’t have to have surgery now, but I must continue to wait to see how things will unfold.
Why must I continue to wait? I must continue to wait because the ultrasound scan results show positive changes, even though the added pain persists. The hemorrhagic cyst is smaller. It’s about half the size it was when the pain it caused forced me to go to the ER in September. It has shrunken from 4 cm to 2 cm (1.6 in to 0.8 in); and thankfully, it is no longer bleeding. However, since it’s shrinking and shows no sign of continued bleeding, the question remains as to why it’s still causing me the added pelvic pain I feel.
In addition, and unfortunately, the results from this recent series of abdomninal ultrasound scans also revealed more issues: Two new uterine polyps. This is concerning because I had surgery just two years ago to remove a uterine polyp, which fortunately was benign. Because of the current results, my Surgeon/Gynecologist will continue to monitor me for any additional changes in the size of the ovarian cyst and whether it starts to bleed again, or any changes to the uterine polyps. To look for these changes, I will undergo another series of abdominal ultrasound scans in January or February 2020 and I will return to see him for the results in March 2020.
The bottom line is that I must continue to wait; and as usual, I have to accept that nothing more can be done to manage the added pain.
In the meantime, here’s some of what I’ve been doing to distract myself from thinking about the added pain and the potential options to deal with its cause while I wait…
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Note: For anyone interested in learning more about hemorrhagic cysts and how they might be treated, here’s a link to a journal article: Hemorrhagic ovarian cysts: Clinical and sonographic correlation with the management options. The article was published in March 2016 in the journal ScienceDirect and discusses the results from a study of 48 patients who all had hemorrhagic cysts with varying symptoms and outcomes.
Doing something with the best intentions doesn’t necessarily mean that what one does is welcomed or perceived as the right thing. Sometimes we get too close to a situation and believe that what we might do in our own best interest is also the right thing to do to resolve issues in another’s life. That doesn’t always work out to be true because some people don’t like feeling as if they are being told what to do or that they are being judged. Even when our intentions come from a compassionate and caring place, if the person on the receiving end cannot see that, nothing that we offer them will be welcome. I’ve come to this realization the hard way.
A recent event that was both emotionally painful and shocking, reminded me that when someone perceives things as negative there is rarely anything that can be done to shift that perception. I reached a disappointing impasse in a relationship where I wrongly believed progress had been made and the work of trying to understand each other had been fruitful. However, as it turns out, my hopefulness blinded me and it clouded the truth: All the work being done to understand was one-sided – on my side alone. In any relationship, positive progress cannot be made unless all parties involved are willing to try. Each party must be willing to look within themselves and face even the least desirable parts of who they are for a chance to become fully accountable for themselves and to the people who care for them.
Without this introspection, we doom ourselves to repeat the same mistakes and bring pain to others, and ourselves. Because when we don’t know what lies within us, even if we don’t intend to, we put the worst parts of ourselves out into the world. When anger and hatred fill us, we put anger and hatred into the world. That anger and hatred will pollute everything with which they come into contact. The people in our lives, whether that includes family, friends, or coworkers, won’t tolerate it forever. Those who do maintain the relationship may do so out of fear or a warped sense of obligation and they will avoid shedding light on the truth to prevent explosive confrontations.
When we accept this we rob the angry, hate filled individual of the opportunity to grow or make positive changes in their lives. The biggest of those changes being taking responsibility for themselves and their actions and no longer blaming others or external factors when things don’t work out in life as they desire them to. Sadly, the longer this behaviour continues without challenge and people avoid calling out the truth, the bigger the problem grows: until it reaches a point, where all interactions with that angry, hate filled person – even the briefest ones – are fraught with anxiety or fear.
At this point in my life, excess anxiety and anger are not conducive to me maintaining any degree of good health. Erratic emotions and outright anger cause me to experience pain flare-ups, so I try my best to keep things on an even keel as much as humanly possible. Being around people who have anger issues won’t and can’t help me keep balanced. Therefore, until they acknowledge and attempt to do the work necessary to identify what triggers their anger and how to manage it – which I’m aware, may never happen – I need to take a giant step back.
Saying this doesn’t mean I believe I’m perfect. I need to continue my introspective work, so I can hold myself accountable for my sh!t in the most truthful way. I need to step back and keep building on my safe and happy place, so I don’t pave my own road to hell with my best intentions towards others.
Zendoodle Hills – Ink – December 2018
My Small Surrenders 