Tag Archives for blogger

The Right To Take Up Space

I believe some people undervalue the benefits of therapy. Because of therapy, I can admit that I’m lying: to everyone in my life and to myself. Whenever anyone asks how I’m doing, I say I’m fine. Of course, that’s not true, but it’s easier than telling everyone who asks how much pain I constantly feel. It’s easier than having a conversation that’s all about my pain and me. The question is, is that what’s best for me. Is that what’s best for the health and longevity of my relationships? Is that what’s best for anyone living with chronic pain or a chronic illness?

I had a virtual therapy session earlier this week, and as I was talking through my feelings – and fears – with my therapist, the truth of what I do, repeatedly, struck me. I lie to everyone because I don’t want to take up too much space. To limit the amount of time spent talking about my pain I put a smile on my face and brighten my voice regardless of how terrible I feel. Leaving people to marvel at how healthy I sound and look. I hide my pain when I don’t say no to people in my life who ask me to go places and do things I know my body can’t cope with, or will take days to recuperate from. I do whatever I can to appear “normal” so I can avoid talking about my pain in any circumstance that isn’t clinical.

The thing is, I have the right to take up space. Before this illness came into my life, I wasn’t an extrovert but I lived my life more openly with the people who are close to me. I talked more about myself, and the ups and downs in my daily activities. Now, I feel as though I need to keep those ups and downs to myself. I feel the need to hide what I’m feeling and thinking about – a life with chronic pain – from everyone, so they don’t worry; I don’t have to answer questions; and I don’t take up too much space.

While talking to my therapist, it stunned me to realize that I feel this way about myself. I don’t know for sure that this feeling wasn’t alive in me somewhere all along, but I know that it’s not true or right to feel this way now. No illness should prevent any person, including me, from actively occupying her or his space in this world. I don’t know how I’m going to silence this feeling or reclaim and refill my space, but I believe recognizing that I feel this way because of my pain can only help me get better, and stop me from feeling so small.

 

OneRepublic – Feel Again

Outshining A Mockingjay

I slept through my mid-morning medication alarm yesterday morning, which set my day back by a few hours. When I woke up and took my pain medication, it was about 11:45 AM. I took my medication but couldn’t manage to stay awake. Lucky for me, my friend J isn’t a stranger to the risks associated with making plans with me. I finally called her around 1:00 in the afternoon – I was supposed to have called her at 11:00 AM. After we talked and finalized our plans it still took a while for me to get my bearings so I could get moving into the shower and ultimately out the door.

The plan of the day was for us to see the last chapter of The Hunger Games movies: Mockingjay Part 2. We saw the first part together last year and vowed that we would see this one together. My friend J is a huge movie buff; and although she likes to see movies as soon as they are released in theatres, she waited for three weeks to see this with me because my pain made it impossible for me to go any sooner. Seeing movies with J is one of the things I look forward to doing now, not simply because it gets me out of the house, but because we always have a great time and getting lost in a movie takes my mind off how I’m feeling for a few hours.

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 2

Mockingjay Part 2 didn’t disappoint. The opening scene picked up where the last movie left of perfectly. It was a little strange to see Philip Seymour Hoffman in a newly released movie, but I think the character he plays would have been missed. Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss Everdeen dominated the story and the screen and there were some unexpected twists. Overall, I thought it was a good 2 1/2 hours with the right balance between drama, action, and my pain.

After the movie, J and I followed through with the usual ending to our movie outing routine and grabbed some food to take back to my place for dinner. We hung out for a few hours more. While eating we caught up on what’s been going in our lives in the past few weeks that we hadn’t covered in any of our check-in calls. I also finally gave her the presents I got her for her birthday, which passed a few months ago – I had a bit of trouble remembering to order them in time for the actual day. As I hoped, J loved the presents, and I must admit putting a smile on her face beat out a day at the movies with the Mockingjay.

 

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2 Official Trailer

 

Technical Difficulties Are A Pain

As if it’s not tough enough to be stuck at home in pain, this week I’ve been plagued with technology problems. My laptop crashed a few days ago and I did everything I could think of, which turned out to be a lot considering how foggy my brain is most of the time, to get it working again. I tried the easiest thing first: running a virus scan. The scan seemed to run forever and then for reasons unknown to me the anti-virus software interrupted itself. Just like that, without any explanation, it stopped and I couldn’t get it to run again. Then I tried to run a scan with the program built into my laptop that’s supposed to keep your system safe if you don’t buy other security software. Well, guess what… That program froze multiple times and never got very far in any of the scans I started. At this point, over a day had passed and I was on the verge of tearing my hair out.

The thought that occurred next, was that I should buy some new anti-virus/security software. The only problem with that option was my fear that if I had a virus or malware on my laptop, all my banking information would be spirited away and the thief would use my money for unspeakable things. I called a friend to ask if he would buy the software and register it online for me then send me the information I would need to install it on my laptop. My friend had a better, simpler idea that did not require an immediate commitment to a new product: download the trial version. That kind of idea can only come from clear thinking.

I did just what he suggested. I downloaded the trial version of a different anti-virus/security software program. The installation didn’t go as smoothly as I would have liked – the first time it was loading my system crashed again – but I finally got it on my laptop. I ran a full system scan, which took a few hours, but it was worth the wait. If I ever had a virus or malware, I don’t anymore. The software identified a list of threats but no actual virus or malware, and my computer is now being monitored by what seems like a more secure program.

Security Software Report

Was it a virus or some vicious malware that decided to rob me of my virtual connection to the outside world? Whatever the cause of my technical issues, the frustration of not being able to use my laptop for so many days was significant. I couldn’t stream TV shows or movies – a favourite pain distraction; no checking email – although that isn’t always a bad thing, but worst of all no writing or reading the blogs I follow. I know, these sound like massive first world problems. However, when you’re stuck at home in agony every day, and you lose the use of whatever tools you have that make your pain bearable, not having them makes things a lot harder.

 

Zapp & Roger Computer Love