Tag Archives for chronic illness

Discovering James Radcliffe Through Love

Yesterday I wrote about growing in my understanding of love. As I was uploading my post, I was on a video call with a cousin that lives overseas. He was miffed that I hadn’t shared my blog with him. I had to tell him that this blog is “a space to empty my thoughts and feelings where I don’t have to explain myself to anyone”, worry about judgement, and I receive support in a way that’s different from the people who know me personally who try to tailor things based on what they think I need. I also had to ensure him that not sharing my blog with him doesn’t mean I love him any less – he is after all at the top of my list of favourite British cousins.

Today as I looked through the feedback I received from readers, one piqued my curiosity and I’m glad I clicked through to his site. That reader is James Radcliffe. The first thing I read when I reached his site is this, “I write for all kinds of reasons. One of the big ones is: Writing about something lets me know how I feel about it; and why.” That statement captures the exact reason I write, but have never been able to articulate so precisely. It’s the reason I started this blog when the frustration of living under the cloud of pain medications and not being able to write poetry became unbearable. I’ve written poetry for so long that when I look through my writing I can tell you exactly where I was (figuratively and literally), what I was living through, and what I was feeling. My poetry is a chronology of my life and this blog has restarted its flow.

In addition to his words, James’ site also gave me another lovely surprise: his music. A few months ago when I started looking for ways to cope better with my illness and chronic pain I kept bumping into ‘Tibetan Healing Sounds’ and ‘Tibetan Singing Bowl Meditation Chakra Healing’ videos. I find the sounds and tones in the recordings very calming. Those sounds and tones are present in James Radcliffe’s music. I wrote this while listening to his latest album and the calm I feel is wonderful.

I have to believe that it’s no coincidence that writing about love and opening myself led me to discover James Radcliffe and I am happy to have found him. Take a listen and if you enjoy it support his work.

 

James Radcliffe – Present : Reflections [Deluxe]

Gratitude and Creativity: Go Where Love Grows

I’ve been having what therapists may characterize as ‘emotional breakthroughs’ since becoming ill. One of the most significant is about love. Not the impossibly romantic kind they depict in movies, but the kind where people embrace you warts and all and let you know that they care for and value you always. Because of my growing understanding of that kind of love I’m reconnecting with and growing relationships with people who I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I didn’t know them.

Go Where Love Grows

Go Where Love Grows

Some of them are people who, because of the complicated relationship with my mother, I always felt guilty having in my life. Not surprisingly, since I’ve been ill they are some of the people who have been most supportive, especially when it comes to the emotional support needed as I try to cope with the current conditions of my life. These people love me. They have always loved me. The love they have for me is not dictated by biology or obligation. They love me just because they do. And I love them in return not because there is anything tangible for me to gain; not because I feel that I must reciprocate, but simply because I do.

My recognition that this love exists is changing me. It’s opening me. It’s making me feel positive even as I endure the pain of my illness. This love makes me feel less alone as I live every day in my small space because I know that I am not living through all of this alone. Most importantly, as cliché as it sounds, I now know the true meaning of the phrase “go where love grows”, and I hope others can experience this growth.

 

Edison Lighthouse – Love Grows Where My Rosemary Goes

Nerve (Almost) Block Effects

On Tuesday morning I had a nerve block. According to the pain specialist who performed it, the procedure couldn’t have been more perfect. The needle was easily passed through my tailbone to deliver the anesthetics to my nerves – this may be the one thing about my condition that has played out as described in a medical textbook. Because they inserted the needle into my tailbone, the area has been incredibly sore so the only way I’ve been able to sit is straight upright as if I have a plank in my back.

Ganglion impar block

Ganglion Impar Block

For the past 48 hours, I’ve been dutifully keeping a log of my pain improvement progress every two hours. Overall, I’m not pain free but I have less pain than before the procedure. I still have my right-side oriented pain in my lower abdomen, back and leg but I’m experiencing what I’ll characterize as a constant low level of pain on the pain scale. This probably means that combined with the nerve block, I’m feeling the benefits of my pain medications for the first time in a long time. My hope is to lower the level of pain medications I take over the next few months so when I have surgery the doctors will have room to treat me before reaching the maximum limits of pain medication doses during my recovery. The pain specialists have told me that my case is very complicated and the possibility exists that my pain will be difficult to treat post-surgery. This nerve block will be a good indicator of what they can expect.

I’m also hoping to go for a few walks before the effects of the nerve block wear off. Walking for a significant distance is something that I have a lot of difficulty with these days. With the weather being as wonderful as it is, it would be nice to pack a lunch, walk to the park, and sit in the sun for a while. That’s such a simple thing to wish for, but it’s something I badly want to do. However, I know I’ll have to take things slow because I just came back from an appointment and the car drive there and back has affected me negatively and increased my pain. I’ll dream about the walk to the park while I rest my body.

John Mellencamp – Hurts So Good