Tag Archives for Chronic Pain

The Best Intentions Paving The Way To Hell

Doing something with the best intentions doesn’t necessarily mean that what one does is welcomed or perceived as the right thing. Sometimes we get too close to a situation and believe that what we might do in our own best interest is also the right thing to do to resolve issues in another’s life. That doesn’t always work out to be true because some people don’t like feeling as if they are being told what to do or that they are being judged. Even when our intentions come from a compassionate and caring place, if the person on the receiving end cannot see that, nothing that we offer them will be welcome. I’ve come to this realization the hard way.

A recent event that was both emotionally painful and shocking, reminded me that when someone perceives things as negative there is rarely anything that can be done to shift that perception. I reached a disappointing impasse in a relationship where I wrongly believed progress had been made and the work of trying to understand each other had been fruitful. However, as it turns out, my hopefulness blinded me and it clouded the truth: All the work being done to understand was one-sided – on my side alone. In any relationship, positive progress cannot be made unless all parties involved are willing to try. Each party must be willing to look within themselves and face even the least desirable parts of who they are for a chance to become fully accountable for themselves and to the people who care for them.

Without this introspection, we doom ourselves to repeat the same mistakes and bring pain to others, and ourselves. Because when we don’t know what lies within us, even if we don’t intend to, we put the worst parts of ourselves out into the world. When anger and hatred fill us, we put anger and hatred into the world. That anger and hatred will pollute everything with which they come into contact. The people in our lives, whether that includes family, friends, or coworkers, won’t tolerate it forever. Those who do maintain the relationship may do so out of fear or a warped sense of obligation and they will avoid shedding light on the truth to prevent explosive confrontations.

When we accept this we rob the angry, hate filled individual of the opportunity to grow or make positive changes in their lives. The biggest of those changes being taking responsibility for themselves and their actions and no longer blaming others or external factors when things don’t work out in life as they desire them to. Sadly, the longer this behaviour continues without challenge and people avoid calling out the truth, the bigger the problem grows: until it reaches a point, where all interactions with that angry, hate filled person – even the briefest ones – are fraught with anxiety or fear.

At this point in my life, excess anxiety and anger are not conducive to me maintaining any degree of good health. Erratic emotions and outright anger cause me to experience pain flare-ups, so I try my best to keep things on an even keel as much as humanly possible. Being around people who have anger issues won’t and can’t help me keep balanced. Therefore, until they acknowledge and attempt to do the work necessary to identify what triggers their anger and how to manage it – which I’m aware, may never happen – I need to take a giant step back.

Saying this doesn’t mean I believe I’m perfect. I need to continue my introspective work, so I can hold myself accountable for my sh!t in the most truthful way. I need to step back and keep building on my safe and happy place, so I don’t pave my own road to hell with my best intentions towards others.

Zendoodle Hills – Ink – December 2018

 

Breaking My Unplanned Break

I took a break from writing for what should have been a few weeks. The weeks have ballooned into months. Not because I planned it but because it was becoming difficult to parse through what I need to focus on to keep myself healthy(ish) and sane while living with chronic pain; and what I want to do, to stay engaged with the world while keeping myself above any potential downward spiral into depression.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been trying to restart what had become my daily mindful, creative practice that included writing, but I’m still struggling. I had hoped that eliminating the pressure of scheduled time in front of my laptop keyboard and mound of art supplies would somehow recharge me and reignite my enthusiasm to share what happens in my life involving my illness, treatments, and coping methods. However, it’s possible that the opposite happened. Stepping away for so long might have further rusted my ability to concentrate and coherently string words together; or it could simply be – as it was when I started my break – that it continues to grow more difficult to find a comfortable position to sit in for long enough to engage my creativity and to record my thoughts.

Thankfully, my break did not extend to creating in my art journals/sketchbooks. In the time I’ve been away, while drawing and doodling, I’ve been inspired to handwrite poetry that doesn’t feel forced for the sake of having content for my blog. I’ve also scribbled thoughts about all that has happened in the margins of my art journal/sketchbook pages. My hope is that some of these scribbled thoughts might make their way into or become full posts in the near future.

In the time I’ve been away from writing, I crossed what to me is a significant milestone: the fifth year of living with my illness, its growing list of side effects and continual pain. Since all of this started five years ago, I’ve grown intimately familiar with the struggle of maintaining focus and concentration – on pretty much everything – as I push myself through each day physically and emotionally with some days being monumentally worse than others are. Strangely, most days, I feel numb at the same time that my body is overwhelmed by intense and sometimes unbearable pain. I don’t know if that will make sense to anyone else: Feeling nothing, while feeling everything all at once.

I may not have recharged during this break, but I’ve come to realize that whether I’m engaged with my creative practice or not, I’ve managed to make it this far with my illness; and, I suppose, I’ll continue to move forward whether I write about it daily or not.

Breaking My Unplanned Break Outline – November 2018
Breaking My Unplanned Break Filled – November 2018

 

Zentangle Is Not So Zen

Last night I visited the “Official Zentangle” website looking for a tangle pattern. Unlike a few years ago, when I first landed on the site, I don’t find it to be a creative repository any longer. I couldn’t find the pattern I was looking for – or any other patterns for that matter – using the search function. I ended up clicking through to their blog because I’ve been lucky in the past to find old posts about patterns there. What I found instead was something that confirmed my belief about the “we’re here to share the Zen gift we’ve created, with you” philosophy the “founders of Zentangle” are always spewing: It’s not a gift. It’s a business.

Instead of finding anything creative – that wasn’t for sale –, what piqued my interest was a recent blog post the self-titled “founders of Zentangle” have up on the site. In this particular post, they are publicly shaming and bullying someone for having a similar idea to their own that monetizes doodling. If you’re at all interested you can read the ridiculous nonsense that does little to veil their contempt for someone doing as they have, posted on their site by clicking this link to the post, which they actually titled “Seriously?…”

I can’t believe I’m investing any energy in this but, to start, I need to say that I find this situation the “founders of Zentangle” have posted about SHAMEFUL, on their part and on the part of their followers who are participating in the bullying. Second, the “founders of Zentangle” don’t have the right to decide who can or cannot anoint themselves as experts of doodling. Publicly shaming this woman (Ina Sonnenmoser) for trying to earn a living the way she chooses and encouraging members of your Certified Zentangle Teacher (CZT) clique to pile shame on her is not a flattering look for you, nor is it very Zen.

To the “founders of Zentangle” (Rick and Maria), I’d like to say, you’ve had a good run in your attempt to copyright and ritualize doodling. However, no one has a monopoly on doodling. I think you need a reminder that doodling has been around forever and a day. I agree that doodling can be meditative and I often write on my blog about using it to distract my focus from my chronic pain and I’ve also written about how I use objects I have available to do zentangle according to the way you’ve specified, which I view as an unnecessary limitation. If someone else has invested the time to come up with a way to monetize drawing lines on paper, more power to them. I’m certain there are many more people than Ina out there – including those whom you have anointed as experts in your method – doing the same.

I also have to call out Rick and Maria, for their blatant hypocrisy. For anyone reading my post who wants to see how ancient some of the patterns they claim to be their originally conceived patterns are, there are books available in the public domain from as early as the 17th century that show you the origins of all these patterns (see images of pages below). Look up topics such as decorative design, ornament, ancient ornament, nature in ornament, ornament from specific cultures, and pattern design. There are volumes of material available to learn how to create your own combination of patterns or how to develop them from things in your environment.

Moreover, how many times have Rick and Maria and members of their “CZT family” done what they call “deconstructing a pattern” from an object or artwork to create a tangle. They do this without a moment’s thought of giving credit to the craftspeople who worked tirelessly to create it in the first place. News flash, just because you change a few lines (as you point out to Ina) doesn’t make something original or yours.

As Rick said, sunshine is the best disinfectant. There’s nothing Zen about publicizing this feud. What you’ve shone a light on is the true motive behind Zentangle, which is the same as any business: Making lot$ of money. This is clearly visible in the redesign of your website that no longer shares much free information about how to draw the patterns, whereas, ironically Ina’s site does. You were just hoping your followers would continue to pay thousands of dollars to you, instead of another individual or company, every year to become certified in your “method” of doodling; and more importantly, that people would forever be blinded by your phony claim that you’re giving them a gift.

Finally, for all the Certified Zentangle Teachers and followers participating in bullying Ina Sonnenmoser, take a step back and seriously look at the toxic behaviour the founders of this supposed Zen method are encouraging and taking pleasure in you acting out to support them.

 

A Handbook of Ornament – Franz Sales Meyer – 1849 – p22 **Click image to see the book**

A Handbook of Ornament – Franz Sales Meyer – 1849 – p27 **Click image to see the book**

Iroha-biki Moncho-Book of Crests and Designs – Kikuo Tanaka – 1800 – p24 **Click image to see the book**

 

Note: In the comments, I’ve made some additional observations about the cost vs. the benefits of becoming a Certified Zentangle Teacher (CZT)