Tag Archives for congenital condition

My Illness Is Killing My Friendships

The longer I’m sick the more friendships I lose.

I wasn’t a social butterfly before becoming ill. Although, I did have many friendships and acquaintances that crossed social and generational lines. However, a lot of those lines are fading or they’ve been cut by the people who once held the other end.

The friendships that have disappeared the fastest are work related. Networking is something I always considered important for career longevity. Knowing someone who knows someone has proved advantageous in many work and personal situations. Being able to trade favours or get support from a colleague can sometimes mean the difference between success and failure. There were many times over my career when I was able to reach out to connections I made years before to get much-needed help to complete a task or project, get invaluable feedback, or secure a new role.

Sadly, the longer I’m away from work those connections are fading or have already disappeared. When I first became ill I reached out to some of the colleagues that I considered more friends than acquaintances to let them know what was happening. With some of them there were lunches and coffee dates – time used for venting and brainstorming our way out of difficult situations – we would have to rebook. The news was met with concern and promises of visits or calls to check in on my progress. Those visits never arrived and I’m still waiting for the calls.

Relationships closer to home have suffered too. Friends I used to have lengthy phone conversations with, now text sporadically to see how I’m doing or if I have any updates about my treatment and recovery. The spontaneous meet ups for a good meal and lots of laughs squeezed in on a day when schedules magically align have evaporated into the ether; there are no invitations to girls’ nights out for dinner, drinks and dancing; and definitely no loud weekend hangouts.

At first I put the lapses in contact down to people being busy. Then I excused it by telling myself that some people aren’t comfortable or able to cope with serious illness. But I stopped coming up with excuses for people when someone I believed to be one of my closest friends suggested that we should take a break and pick up our friendship again when I get better.

That suggestion to push pause on a friendship knocked the wind out of my sails for a while, but it forced me to look at who has stood with me since the start of my illness. Which friends and family members answer when I call? Who gets up in the middle of the night to sit with me in the emergency room? Who rearranges their schedule to go with me to doctors’ appointments? Who checks to see if I need errands run or if I have enough groceries in the fridge? Who makes time to come over to hang out with me on my couch because that’s all I can do?

So, I recognize that friendships are dying. But the relationships I need are growing. I have friends and family supporting me in ways I never imagined I would need at this stage of my life. They remind me that my illness is not the thing that defines me and that if someone chooses to walk away from me now – when I’m most vulnerable – they probably had no right to be in my life in the first place.

 

Queen – You’re My Best Friend

Tough Week

I’ve had a tough week with an unending pain flare up that my pain medications are barely touching.

I’m not fully recovered from a procedure I had last week intended to relieve suspected nerve pain. It failed, but the aggravation it caused to my condition is still with me.

I’m under attack from my thoughts as I wait for an appointment to get a second opinion about the surgery needed to repair the congenital condition that decided to create painful unrest in my body. Current opinions point to the surgery causing significant complications and I can’t stop my mind from imagining the worst. My overactive mind is causing me stress that in turn is causing me to experience greater pain.

I’m not sleeping well. See above.

I’m fighting the fiction my horrible boss created to terminate my employment and deny me extended health benefits. This fight involves digging up historical information to counter everything being used to justify taking away a significant support from me during my illness. This fight is taxing my mind and body.

If I can’t disconnect and relax I’m going to end up in the emergency room again.

 

Frankie Goes to Hollywood – Relax (original version)

My Horrible Boss

Since the day I called in sick to work 18 months ago my boss has been a nightmare.

I have not been left alone long enough to fully process that I’m so sick I’m unable to carry out most basic daily tasks; or that I may never be pain-free again; or that my body may never be healthy again; and that the one thing that should fix me could further diminish my health.

With this as my reality, my boss has made it her mission to add another layer of hell to my life.

Her attitude was cemented when I refused to share my diagnosis with her. Even though labour laws clearly state that an employer can not – under any circumstances – ask an employee any questions related to an illness. When I filed a complaint about her behaviour the blow-back was and continues to be unbelievable. I’ve actually ended up in the emergency room because I’ve become so stressed – which then caused my pain to flare up – about interactions I’ve had to have with my company.

A few months ago, my company terminated my extended health benefits for things like: prescriptions, dental, visioncare, nursing care, and other health-care services. The prescription benefits covered the cost of my pain medications. My pain medications alone cost hundreds of dollars each month, which I now have to pay for out of my pocket.

Shockingly, I learned about my termination when I contacted my pharmacy to refill my pain medications. My pharmacist tried to process the automated payments. He immediately received an electronic error message from my insurance company saying my benefits plan was terminated.

My boss carried out the termination of my benefits by terminating my employment without notifying me. To accomplish this, she first modified my employment status from ‘permanent employee’ to ‘contract employee’ and then pulled a date out of the air for the end of my supposed contract. She then claimed she had no way of contacting me, which is laughable because I have a collection of emails with retaliatory content spanning the course of my illness.

Not one person I’ve told about this situation can understand the motivation or the logic behind this behaviour. One question keeps floating to the surface: Would my boss’ behaviour be better if I had told her my diagnosis or is she just a horrible person to her core?

 

Depeche Mode probably wouldn’t understand this situation either…

Depeche Mode – People Are People (1984)