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Pain Tears

Waking up and feeling pain so intense it makes me cry is becoming a regular occurrence, at least it seems to be. This morning, when I got up to take my early morning dose of medications I was met with such terrible pelvic and hip pain it caused my eyes to water. I didn’t cry for as long as I did one morning about a week ago, but getting to this point with pain is more common now. I’m not certain if it’s the arrival of colder temperatures or because my sleep is so erratic, but whichever it is, it’s taking an emotional toll.

I almost long for the days when after running long distances my body would ache in places I didn’t know could hurt. Because that pain was different. That pain reminded me that I was active. It made me think about whether I needed to improve or change something in my stride as I ran. It made me question if I needed a new pair of running shoes or if I needed to stretch more before or after a long run. That pain, the pain that erupted in my body after running 10, 15, or even 25 kilometers (6 to 15 miles), reminded me that my body was strong and I was using it and pushing its limits.

This pain makes me feel defeated even before I’ve risen from my bed. This pain that makes me cry tells me I may never run the distances I did in the past nor feel the freedom of unencumbered movement from a healthy active body. Maybe that’s the reason I cry. Maybe without being conscious of the loss, my body – actually, my muscle memory – is mourning deeply and the only way to express it is through tears. Tears that are sometimes brief and at others pour out an hour’s worth.

At times, like this morning, when the pain is so bad that all I can do is cry, I long for the days when my body ached from the known punishment of running for hours…

Pain Tears - December 2017
Pain Tears – December 2017
Pain Tears - Colour - December 2017
Pain Tears – Colour – December 2017

 

This Big Girl Cries When She Hurts

After locking the door behind me when I came home today, I started crying uncontrollably. I used every ounce of emotional and physical energy while I was at my doctor’s appointment and then when I went to pick up my medications from the pharmacy to hold myself together, but there is so much grief and pain building up inside me that I needed to let some out. The past few weeks are coloured with disappointment and uncertainty about whether I’m ever going to get better and those feelings are adding to the size of my ball of grief.

Crying helped to release a small piece of my grief, but I still feel what remains sitting heavily in my body. A glance in the mirror revealed how much the saltiness of my tears irritated my eyes as I looked into the red puffiness that stared back at me. My nose and cheeks reddened with a bright tint from the pressure that built up in my head from the rapid rush of blood. There is congestion in my nose because the overflow of tears that couldn’t escape through my tear ducts had to go somewhere, and my lips still trembled even though my sobbing stopped. My body is numb now because my tears carried so much of my unwelcome emotions away with them.

Sadly, I can’t think of what else I can do to cope with what I was told and the grief it is causing except to cry.

 

Big Girls Don’t Cry – Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons

Crying Helps… Sometimes

I’ve been weepy all day. I’m on a high pain rollercoaster that won’t let me off. So instead of screaming, I cry. The peaks of this ride keep reaching higher into the stratosphere when all I want is someone to make it stop so I can step off into the slow crawl of life.

But crying helped today. Sometimes being able to loosen the valves helps to relieve some of the pressure. I especially needed it today when I woke up in so much pain I knew immediately I wouldn’t be able to go to the holiday dinner I was invited to attend this evening. The call to express my regrets was a hard one, but my effort to fight back my tears was met with sympathy and understanding.

This isn’t the first time I’ve had a weepy day. I seem to move through cycles now. My pain and emotions merge and climb beyond previous limits where my body and mind completely collapse. Then I must pick myself up again and move forward.

I’m crying now as I type. The pain won’t be gone when I’m done but emotionally I will feel just a bit better.

 

Aerosmith – Cryin’