Tag Archives for doodles

A Bright Spot In My Grey Fog

Time sometimes makes me feel as if I’m moving at a snail’s pace through a murky grey fog. Since having surgery at the end of February, that’s how I’ve been feeling. For the first weeks afterwards, I told myself it was the general anesthetics working through my body and once that passed my energy level would pick up. When that didn’t happen I told myself that I wasn’t getting enough quality sleep, which rarely ever happens, so I had to cast that variable by the wayside. Even when I got the all clear from my doctor because the pathology report from my surgery was negative for any cancer, there was no movement on my energy meter.

I started to get concerned; because I thought, I might slowly be sliding into depression but missing the true signs. Maybe the low energy I was crediting to anesthesia, fatigue, a pain flare up, or my laptop’s hard drive crashing was really the looming darkness of a mental crash. It wouldn’t be hard to miss for someone in my situation, even with the mental health supports I have in place to cope with my poor health; and especially because my nervous system gets flooded not just by the barrage of constant pain but also an unending amount of pain medications. With these things constantly at play, a shift in mood would be easy to miss.

Then last week, I felt a desperate need to change things, but I knew whatever I did had to fall within the limits of my pain. On Saturday, I decided to do something that I had taken for granted when I was healthy. I booked an appointment with the aesthetician I used to go to because it’s been such a long time – almost four years ago before the start of my illness – since I did anything to pamper myself. The women who own the spa I went to were so happy to see me. They asked why it had been so long since my last visit and I told them what I’ve been living with. Not only were they sympathetic, they were also empathetic because they both faced significant health issues in recent years. They were both extremely encouraging and expressed hopes that I would be better soon.

At the end of my appointment, as I walked to the elevators one of the women called after me. I assumed I forgot something, but I hadn’t. She followed me out to give me one of the tightest warm hugs I’ve had in a long time. I started to cry as a woman I hardly know held me with great affection. She reiterated her positive wishes and prayers that I will become healthy soon. For the rest of the day as I pushed myself to finish the errands I had to do – I’m not sure I could have lasted another week without my laptop – I could feel the fog lifting. A hug from someone I barely know lit up my day and has had lingering positive effect.

I’ve been reflecting on that for the past few days: For anyone reading my writing for the first time, this isn’t about me being starved for affection or human contact. I have wonderful friends and family who do everything they can to support me. This is about the big way small gestures can affect our lives; the way sharing our troubles can bring about such surprising connections and unexpectedly comforting events; and how feeling cared for, even if it’s just for a moment, can fortify us.

I’m glad I made that appointment. Apart from reminding me how important it is to do things to pamper one’s self from time to time, it was a truly bright experience that lifted much of the fog that had cloaked me.

 

Weekend Blooms
Taxi Doodles

 

Zentangle: Tangle Patterns, Inspiration, and Deconstruction

This is not the original content I wrote to go with this post’s title. The first draft I wrote was a long rant in response to some very tense, unfriendly, and angry exchanges I keep encountering on some Zentangle-related websites and groups since I started using the meditative pattern drawing method. I decided not to post what I wrote because it doesn’t help anyone, least of all the people I see being dumped on, to write another angry post.

I started learning the Zentangle method because of the inherent meditative and mindful aspects of the process of drawing the various patterns. I’ve grown to enjoy getting lost in drawing lines and shapes. I spend a lot of time searching out more patterns online to expand my drawing skills and make the artwork I create in my art/gratitude journal more interesting. However, at times when I’m about to teach myself a new pattern I’ve found online, I notice negative exchanges written in some of the comments sections. It annoys me – actually, I get somewhat angry – because this thing, that is supposed to be enjoyable and relaxing, seems to be more about ownership and monetization than mindfulness.

I think some people forget that doodling has been around for a long time. Everyone does it. Although not everyone that doodles might take the time to name the patterns they draw. I know highlighting these points is going to make me unpopular to anyone who is devoted to the Zentangle method, but here’s the thing, slightly modifying something that already exists and giving it a new name doesn’t make it original or new. If that were the case, we would all be creative geniuses.

The Juggler - University of Notre Dame - May 1929

Cartoon from the commencement issue of The Juggler magazine of University of Notre Dame from May 1929

 

Furthermore, just because you’re inspired to deconstruct a complex pattern or image that was painstakingly created by an uncredited artisan in a woodwork carving, chiseled into a marble archway, painted on ceramic tiles, or stitched in fabric, that doesn’t make what you draw an original pattern. If you look around long enough you can usually find a pattern that existed for years, if not decades or centuries (in the case of ancient tribal and religious symbols) that looks like so-called “original” tangle patterns. At the end of the day, all art is derivative. Artists learn from imitating work produced by other artists, or trying to recreate things they see in the world around them, and they use it as a jumping off point to develop their personal style.

 

That being said, I have to stop letting myself get so bothered when I see some of the terrible things people write to each other in these spaces. As one Certified Zentangle Teacher (CZT) disappointingly stated in a comment I recently read online, for so many people Zentangle is “sadly just about making money”, which is bound to make some of those people more territorial and severe. For now, I will continue to use this drawing method as a creative meditative practice to divert focus away from my pain, but I think it wouldn’t hurt for some of the people getting bent out of shape about the use of patterns they “create” to remember that imitation is the purest form of flattery.

 

Arctic Monkeys – Brick By Brick