When I was a child, I played a lot of hide-and-seek. Looking back, I think the easier games I played were with my cousins, when we played indoors. Whether they were visiting my house or I was visiting theirs, it was almost guaranteed that the youngest children in the group would be found hidden together in a closet, behind a sofa or whichever rooms had the longest curtains at the windows. I imagine it was scary to hide alone in a dark place when they were so young, but my older cousins and I always took advantage of knowing where to look first and for who.
As an aside, I noticed yesterday that I’ve been drawing things on a slant. I’m not sure if it’s because of the way I’m positioning my sketchbook or holding my pens. Whatever the reason, I made a conscious effort to eliminate the slant today, and then realized while I was doing so that I need to learn how to scale objects better, and draw the angles and correct perspective of things.
I was struck last night by the realization that I am still bringing my need for perfection to my art/gratitude journal. How ridiculous is that? I’m making space for my creativity, yet I’m trying to control what I produce. I’m leaving pages blank because I don’t have a perfect idea for what to doodle, draw or paint. In trying to open up my life I’m contributing to making it smaller with my deep-seated need to control. How crazy is that?
I understand why therapy – and in some cases antidepressants – is necessary for people suffering from chronic pain or a chronic illness. It is so easy to get lost inside yourself while you try to control the smallest things because your life, your body, is not in your control. It is so easy to lose your awareness because you spend every minute fighting to hold on to your old self instead of creating a new one that isn’t stifled by your new circumstances. It is so easy to try to impose perfection onto an imperfect situation.
I have so many blank pages in my art/gratitude journal because I’ve been combing the internet trying to find the perfect creative ideas to fill its pages. I’ve been searching to see what other people – perfect artistic people – do to fill the pages of their art journals and sketch books instead of listening to and expressing more of my voice. Last night it hit me that I’m wasting my time and making myself feel worse instead of better. In my search for the perfect things I’m comparing myself to others and the person I used to be. And this journal isn’t about perfection.
This journal is about giving myself space for a few minutes – or hours if necessary – each day to express myself. To put on the pages whatever spills out of my mind, even on the days when what shows up doesn’t feel or look like it came from my mind. It’s my space to draw imperfect shapes, doodle imperfect lines, and paint imperfectly matched colours. This space is mine to be free of judgement about whatever it is I might write or create.
Colour Doodled Hexagons
There is no room for perfection in this space. And I know that each of us inflicted with chronic pain or a chronic illness need to have some space where we can feel free being ourselves whatever that might look like.
I’ve been struggling to cope with a pain flare up since last week. The flare up started because I had multiple days of activity. Going out is a struggle for me. The motion in any vehicle I ride in sends pain shooting through my pelvis. Then my recovery depends on how far the ride is and how much walking I have to do when I get to my destination. Sometimes I can recover in a day but other times, like last week, when I have to go to multiple appointments or just out for the sake of leaving the house it takes days.
This pain flare up is compounded by swollen calves, ankles and feet, and more pain in my legs, back, and right hip. The hip pain is new and makes it difficult for me to sit. All of this is disrupting my sleep. So I either can’t sleep or after a couple of days of little sleep I crash and can’t stay awake – think narcolepsy.
Today, when it became clear that sleep was not an option, I decided to do something to distract me from the pain. A couple of weeks ago I started a doodle in my art/gratitude journal but didn’t know how to finish it. What was on the page was a roughly sketched frame with nothing in it. I decided to draw Gerbera daisies inside it. They are one of my favourite varieties of flowers. The brilliant brightly coloured blooms always put a smile on my face.
Gratitude & Creativity – Daisy with Frame
My art/gratitude journal is reconnecting me to parts of myself that I almost forgot ever existed, while opening me to learning many new things. But because I haven’t drawn much in years it is quite challenging for me to draw flowers. I spent a few hours sketching the daisies with a pencil. Then I used colour markers to fill in the details. I originally planned to fill the petals with bright colour, but as I coloured I felt I should leave them empty – I can always change it later. I had to concentrate hard to produce something I like. Focusing on drawing daisies distracted my mind from the pain for a little while and made the day go by faster.
My Small Surrenders 