Tag Archives for fear

Am I Losing My Resilience?

I used to be tough. I had to be. I grew up in a family where being needy was a sign of weakness, and feelings and emotions were things you kept to yourself. My parents separated when I was quite young, which meant I had to learn to depend on myself because neither of them was ever reliably available for me. Repeated disappoints from my parents made me resilient because I had to recover and bounce back from so many situations that need not be a part of a person’s childhood. That learned resilience helped me cope with every obstacle life put in my path and all the crappy things people believe it’s okay to do to each other.

The thing is, the longer I’m sick the less resilient I feel I’m becoming. The unshakeable pain I feel every minute of every day is starting to chip away at my psychological and emotional strength and my ability to bounce back, relatively quickly, from difficult issues that crop up, regardless of the size. That concerns me because I think to survive this illness for an unpredictable amount of time I need the spark of combined toughness and grit I’ve always carried within me. That spark has lit my way and guided me through countless hard and painful situations in my life; and I feel like it might start to fade under the unyielding pressure from my pain. To be truthful, I’m more than concerned, I’m a bit afraid. What if, I can’t hold on to the intangible thing that has kept me grounded and moving forward in life until now; until now, when I need it more than ever.

The strange thing is, the more I question myself about this, the more my mind turns to a TED Talk about grit and resilience – primarily in children – I watched a few years ago. I felt immediately connected, to the theories the speaker, Psychologist, Angela Lee Duckworth raised as she spoke. I understood her ideas about how or, more accurately, what is necessary, beyond intelligence and socioeconomic background for a person to succeed. However, that was three years ago, when I was healthy. Now, I can see that there is so much we don’t see or are unable to measure with tests or studies to chart ‘success’ because my perspective of success is no longer measured in the same ways. Now, my success is rooted in what I can do from day to day, within the limits set by my pain; and I can feel my pain chipping away at my toughness and working to dim my spark every day.

As I thought more about this TED Talk, I wondered if anyone had done any studies on resilience and chronic pain. I found some published psychological studies that I’ll be reading in more detail later. The gist of them all is that resilience does matter and chronic pain patients with greater levels of resilience have a higher survival rate. Now that I know this, the question for me is, how do I keep myself from losing my resilience? I truly hope I’m able to find something in one of these studies that helps me to keep my spark lit.

 

 

That From Which I Run

I often feel like my pain is a predator. That it takes pleasure in the chase and ultimately taking me down.

The questions, to which I have no answer, re: How do you fight an enemy you cannot see? How do you win against an opponent about whom you know so little but who knows every corporeal detail about you?

Some days I feel like a helpless animal that will succumb, at some unknown moment, in this battle that I did not start.

That From Which I Run

 

No More Dark Thrills

I don’t usually like watching horror or occult-themed shows or movies, and definitely not alone. However, in keeping my mind occupied there is a certain show I can’t seem to turn away from when it’s on the screen that falls within these genres. Truthfully, I go searching for it to catch up on episodes I’ve missed. The show is Penny Dreadful and airs on Showtime Networks. Eva Green a former “Bond girl” and former teen heartthrob Josh Hartnett play lead characters. The main cast is rounded out by Timothy Dalton’s role as an adventuring, aristocratic Victorian gentleman, which he plays as brilliantly as he once played James Bond; and while I’m not as familiar with each member of the supporting cast, they each play their parts brilliantly.

After watching a shocking episode on Sunday night, it disappointed me to learn online last night that it was the unexpected series finale. The show was in its third season. The blurb on the Showtime Network website describes the series’ concept as, “Some of literature’s most terrifying characters, including Dr. Frankenstein and his monster, Dorian Gray, and iconic figures from the novel Dracula are lurking in the darkest corners of Victorian London. They are joined by a core of original characters in a complex, frightening new narrative. Penny Dreadful is a psychological thriller filled with dark mystery and suspense, where personal demons from the past can be stronger than vampires, evil spirits and immortal beasts.”

As terrifying as some as the plot lines are, they fascinated me and made it impossible for me to turn away. I find it believable that within each of us lurks a primal beast just below the surface of our skins. Not to mention the myriad unknown creatures living in the darkest corners of the world and the immeasurable powers they might wield, what some might characterize as supernatural. It frightens and intrigues me to think that we might only see and exist in a small fraction of reality, and that there is a constant battle between the forces of good and evil; not in a religious sense but in relation to the negative and positive energies that fuel the universe and how they emerge. How do we decide which of those pulls to yield to and to what extent we can resist temptation from each pole?

A more intriguing question is whether it is even possible to withstand such powers alone; or if we must, as the show suggests, rely on the strength of others to carry us through darkness. And greater still, is this unending struggle the reason love, in all its forms, is capable of pushing beyond so many perilous situations, especially when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to receive it? Maybe I’m seeing more symbolism than what’s actually present in this chilling dramatic series, but each time the darkness rises up it is one form of light or another that breaks it down. If anyone watched this show, I’d be curious to know if you agree with me.

 

Penny Dreadful – Remember Us Better Than We Are