Tag Archives for illness

Cleaning For My Cleaner

Every once in a while, I do something that makes me question how rational, maybe even how sane, I am. Friday was one of those times. On Friday morning, I had my first appointment with a new cleaning person who came highly recommended by my friend R. She works with the cleaning staff at R’s work site. A few months ago when I told him what happened with the woman I hired to clean my place and do my laundry, but who chose to take advantage of my situation instead, he put out some feelers to see if there might be someone willing to work for me on a casual basis. Lucky for me, someone on his staff responded to his request. After playing a long round of phone tag, we finally connected, and I laid out for her the kind of things I need done and the rate I’m able to pay. She accepted my offer then we agreed on a day of the week that works best for both of us.

Here’s where my insanity kicked in. Before she arrived on Friday morning, I felt panicked. My place was what I consider a disaster area. Although, to most people who come to visit me it still looks clean and organized, I can’t cope with the mess I see. I got out of bed earlier than I needed to and started cleaning up. I put away the pile of clothes that had grown on the side of my bed I don’t sleep on either because they were not put away the last time my laundry was done or because that’s where they land when I decide an item of clothing isn’t what I want to wear. I rolled up my yoga mat and put away my sneakers. I washed the pots, measuring cups, utensils, and bowls I used a couple of days before to cook asparagus and mushroom risotto, but then didn’t have the strength to clean up after eating what turned out to be a delicious meal. Then I turned my attention to the growing assortment of art supplies I have, which I packed into one of the many boxes they arrive to my home in that needed to be put out for recycling.

I know how this sounds, but I couldn’t help myself. The clean freak that’s been living in my head since I was a little girl insisted that I make a good impression on the person who was coming to clean my home for the first time. I still can’t believe I did that: I staged my home to look less messy so I wouldn’t be judged. Even pain can’t override the unachievable expectations and rules hardwired into my brain that make me behave irrationally. I’m so embarrassed that I did this I haven’t told any of my friends or family. The funny thing is that if one of them told me they did this I would laugh at them and tell them how ridiculous it is to do something like this when the purpose of paying someone to do it is so you don’t have to. DUH!

Being a perfectionist has been a significant issue throughout my life that stems from a need to control things. Even though there has been an upside to it, like having a strong work ethic and being independent, the downside is tremendous. Feeling that other people in your life can’t live up to the standards you set for yourself is one of them, especially when it’s impossible for you to meet them yourself. It also becomes a problem when, like on Friday, you hire someone to do something for you but question whether he or she will judge you because you can’t do it yourself or if they are competent enough to do what you need – she did an outstanding job by the way.

One of the things I’m learning about perfectionism is that even if you don’t ask the questions out loud, your actions ask them for you. I clearly still have a lot of work to do to overcome the need to control my environment and my image; and I must let go of this need soon because the potential downside now is the added harm to my health.

 

Enchanted – Happy Working Song

Gratitude and Creativity: Calligraphy Is Cool… Now

I might have stated once or twice before in my writing that I was a bit of a nerd when I was growing up. I was definitely not a “cool” teenager – nor am I a cool adult. If the category existed, someone might have labeled me a “nerdy-jock” because I was athletic but also focused on academic achievement. A lot of reading and studying balanced the sports I played, and practiced for hours, and I participated in other extra-curricular activities that “cool kids” would never join like band, public speaking, debating, and creative writing. In some of the spare time I had, I explored other solitary creative pursuits like writing poetry, drawing, and calligraphy.

I’m not sure what sparked my interest in calligraphy, but I do remember buying my first kit that had a pen with varying nib sizes and dark blue ink cartridges. I used to sit in my room practicing how to write with that pen for hours on end. I sometimes wrote my poetry with it to give it a unique and slightly aged look. I gave copies of my poems, written on coloured paper in calligraphy, to my friends and family as gifts. Sometimes my family would ask me to use my “fancy writing” to write up tags on presents or cards. Unfortunately, like so many of the creative things I did when I was younger, calligraphy fell off the list of things I enjoyed doing.

Lately, as I’ve been reconnecting with my creative self, my interest in typography – the design of lettering and typeface, which for me includes calligraphy, has resurfaced. Countless tutorials are available online that teach the basics of lettering from drawing simple lines and shapes to ornate Gothic fonts. It’s wonderful to see the broad range of resources available to anyone interested in typography as a hobby or on a professional level. It’s even more wonderful to know that something I might have been laughed at for having an interest in as a teenager now has a cool factor.

One of the people making calligraphy cool is Seb Lester. He is an English artist, type designer, and calligrapher. Videos of his work have gone viral. A few nights ago, while I was unable to sleep – again, I stumbled upon one of those videos that I had seen before but never paid attention to who the artist was or the significance of how he is exposing droves of people all over the world to an old art form in such an interesting way. The fascinating thing about his work is that he is able to create beautiful works with incredible precision without any specialized tools. He relies on the steadiness of his hands and his pens. The video below is a quick look at his talent for reproducing some of the most recognizable logos in the world.

Seb Lester – Hand Drawn Logos

 

Seb Lester has more than one million fans across social media. I’m one of them now. In a few weeks, I’ll also be the proud owner of one of his stunning prints, titled ‘First Time Ever’; and I’ll never think of my love for calligraphy as uncool ever again.

 

Echosmith – Cool Kids

 

Gratitude and Creativity: Low Emotional Valley

I’m just realizing that I spent the better part of the past month in a low emotional valley. The failure of my acupuncture treatment hit me hard. I know this because of the smatterings of energy I managed to invest in anything that resembled something creative, including how little I wrote. The recovery from the pain flare up caused by the acupuncture has been slow – I haven’t been able to reduce the doses of my pain medications. The frustration and disappointment of another treatment that doesn’t work for me is becoming hard to bear. As much as I try being positive, the melancholy found its way in and decided to hang around as I drank copious amounts of tea and binge watched TV while sleep eluded me most nights.

My uninvited guest sapped me of so much energy that I became too tired to sleep. Too tired to feed myself properly, and barely able to meet the few commitments I made to family and friends. The strange thing is while this was happening I didn’t recognize it because I was still moving, still breathing, and still feeling pain. I’m not numb, but I was enveloped by whatever the opposite of being mindful and aware of oneself might be. Then, this morning, as I turned the corner on another sleep-deprived night I flipped through a few pages of my art/gratitude journal and saw how little my brain and hands have produced because of my low energy and sinking emotions.

What was I trying to find in the pages of a sketchbook at 6:45 on a Saturday morning? I was looking for a blank space to teach myself how to draw a new, to me, Zentangle pattern. The space was easy to find because, as I said, I haven’t done a lot of creating lately. I keep saying that I’m teaching myself how to draw. However, at the rate I’m going I may not reach that goal. I have the books and the art supplies I need, but without motivation and a positive mood, that amounts to a lot of blank paper and unused pens, pencils and paint.

I noticed that the time I spend in these emotional valleys seems to be getting longer each time and my awareness of that space is losing its sharpness. This morning, wanting to draw a new combination of lines alerted me to the presence of the current valley. I wanted to connect with one of the things that help to stop me from falling down the steep slopes and that desire, that smallest of desires, pulled me upward.

Last night, while sleep stayed far away from me, I spent time on Adele Bruno’s website Tickled to Tangle. She’s a Certified Zentangle Teacher (CZT) from whose posts I’m learning a lot. She writes a series called “Tips for Tangling” where she shares great step-by-step information about how to draw Zentangle patterns that makes drawing them a lot easier. Because of her posts, I’m becoming more comfortable and confident about drawing in ink and not worrying about making mistakes. After all, in Zentangle there are no mistakes. It was one of her posts that made me reach for my sketchbook: Tangling Radiant Sooflowers. I wanted to try creating my own radiant drawing but I first needed to learn the tangle pattern, Sooflowers created by Livia Chua, which luckily wasn’t at all difficult. After a quick practice, I worked on my tile and made one change to customize it. Instead of stippling the white spaces with dots, I filled them with small Tipple circles.

Sooflowers – Livia Chua
Radiant Sooflowers – Inspired by Adele Bruno (CZT)

My tired eyes and shaky hands aside, I’m happy with the result. I’m also happy that although I didn’t sleep at all last night, Adele Bruno’s creativity alerted my awareness to my low emotional valley and inspired me to start climbing out.

 

Ed Sheeran – I See Fire