Tag Archives for illness

Outshining A Mockingjay

I slept through my mid-morning medication alarm yesterday morning, which set my day back by a few hours. When I woke up and took my pain medication, it was about 11:45 AM. I took my medication but couldn’t manage to stay awake. Lucky for me, my friend J isn’t a stranger to the risks associated with making plans with me. I finally called her around 1:00 in the afternoon – I was supposed to have called her at 11:00 AM. After we talked and finalized our plans it still took a while for me to get my bearings so I could get moving into the shower and ultimately out the door.

The plan of the day was for us to see the last chapter of The Hunger Games movies: Mockingjay Part 2. We saw the first part together last year and vowed that we would see this one together. My friend J is a huge movie buff; and although she likes to see movies as soon as they are released in theatres, she waited for three weeks to see this with me because my pain made it impossible for me to go any sooner. Seeing movies with J is one of the things I look forward to doing now, not simply because it gets me out of the house, but because we always have a great time and getting lost in a movie takes my mind off how I’m feeling for a few hours.

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 2

Mockingjay Part 2 didn’t disappoint. The opening scene picked up where the last movie left of perfectly. It was a little strange to see Philip Seymour Hoffman in a newly released movie, but I think the character he plays would have been missed. Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss Everdeen dominated the story and the screen and there were some unexpected twists. Overall, I thought it was a good 2 1/2 hours with the right balance between drama, action, and my pain.

After the movie, J and I followed through with the usual ending to our movie outing routine and grabbed some food to take back to my place for dinner. We hung out for a few hours more. While eating we caught up on what’s been going in our lives in the past few weeks that we hadn’t covered in any of our check-in calls. I also finally gave her the presents I got her for her birthday, which passed a few months ago – I had a bit of trouble remembering to order them in time for the actual day. As I hoped, J loved the presents, and I must admit putting a smile on her face beat out a day at the movies with the Mockingjay.

 

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2 Official Trailer

 

Technical Difficulties Are A Pain

As if it’s not tough enough to be stuck at home in pain, this week I’ve been plagued with technology problems. My laptop crashed a few days ago and I did everything I could think of, which turned out to be a lot considering how foggy my brain is most of the time, to get it working again. I tried the easiest thing first: running a virus scan. The scan seemed to run forever and then for reasons unknown to me the anti-virus software interrupted itself. Just like that, without any explanation, it stopped and I couldn’t get it to run again. Then I tried to run a scan with the program built into my laptop that’s supposed to keep your system safe if you don’t buy other security software. Well, guess what… That program froze multiple times and never got very far in any of the scans I started. At this point, over a day had passed and I was on the verge of tearing my hair out.

The thought that occurred next, was that I should buy some new anti-virus/security software. The only problem with that option was my fear that if I had a virus or malware on my laptop, all my banking information would be spirited away and the thief would use my money for unspeakable things. I called a friend to ask if he would buy the software and register it online for me then send me the information I would need to install it on my laptop. My friend had a better, simpler idea that did not require an immediate commitment to a new product: download the trial version. That kind of idea can only come from clear thinking.

I did just what he suggested. I downloaded the trial version of a different anti-virus/security software program. The installation didn’t go as smoothly as I would have liked – the first time it was loading my system crashed again – but I finally got it on my laptop. I ran a full system scan, which took a few hours, but it was worth the wait. If I ever had a virus or malware, I don’t anymore. The software identified a list of threats but no actual virus or malware, and my computer is now being monitored by what seems like a more secure program.

Security Software Report

Was it a virus or some vicious malware that decided to rob me of my virtual connection to the outside world? Whatever the cause of my technical issues, the frustration of not being able to use my laptop for so many days was significant. I couldn’t stream TV shows or movies – a favourite pain distraction; no checking email – although that isn’t always a bad thing, but worst of all no writing or reading the blogs I follow. I know, these sound like massive first world problems. However, when you’re stuck at home in agony every day, and you lose the use of whatever tools you have that make your pain bearable, not having them makes things a lot harder.

 

Zapp & Roger Computer Love

 

Never Doubt Your Lived Experiences

Being ill with all these glorious old and all the wonderful new symptoms is teaching me a lot about the people in my life and myself. However, I think the singular most important thing is that I should never allow another person – not even a doctor – to make me doubt my lived experiences. What I’m living through cannot be completely understood by another person, so why should I allow another person to question my experiences. Why should someone else get to tell me how much pain I should be feeling, why I shouldn’t take so much pain or other medications, or believe they have the right to question why my surgery didn’t deliver the results they expected. Why am I allowing their questioning about my health to make me doubt the value of my lived experiences?

I’ve caught myself allowing some of these doubts to creep in before. This morning a close friend reminded me why I shouldn’t allow that to happen. I spoke to him yesterday about the swelling in my legs and feet then sent him a photo so he could see the extent of it. He called me this morning to tell me how shocked he was by the photo. His exact words were, “When someone tells you their feet are swollen you try to imagine it, but when I saw the photo of your feet I gasped.” He was shocked at how “unrecognizable” my feet are. He said he couldn’t imagine how I must feel or what I’m going through while trying to cope with this on top of everything else.

His expression of empathy toward me was the jolt I needed to remind me that I should never doubt myself. Because of doubting myself, I was delaying going to see my family doctor to get my legs and feet checked because I told myself the swelling isn’t a big deal – the swiftness with which my doctor responded to my email yesterday clearly says I’m wrong. I downplayed this symptom because I was allowing the voices from other people telling me I should be better by now to cloud the reality I’m living with. I’m not better yet. My surgery did not eliminate my pain. I’m taking a significant amount of pain medications because they make it possible for my body to move so I can do basic daily tasks. My legs and feet are swollen beyond recognition and the swelling is adding to the difficulty I already have with walking.

What I’m experiencing is real. What I read that is written by others with health issues, general life issues, or just things from their lives they want to share, are real experiences. No one ever has the right to make another person doubt their lived experiences – their reality – and I have to remind myself of this more often.

 

Adele – Chasing Pavements