Tag Archives for illness

Gratitude and Creativity: Storms Don’t Last Forever

I have a legal battle with my employer in progress. Late last year – a few weeks before Christmas to be exact – I found out my horrible boss had wielded her powers to terminate my employment, which left me without extended health benefits or a job to return to when I regain my health. It was a shock to my system. It increased my pain, my blood pressure, my anxiety and made it impossible for me to sleep; or turn off my brain so I could get any kind of rest at all. I had to figure out what to do to fight back, while making sure I take care of my health. Those two things are hard to do when you’re in constant debilitating pain. Things I know my horrible boss has not lost an ounce of sleep or felt a pang of guilt about as she metes out this punishment to me because I refused to share the details of my health condition with her.

I hired a lawyer to deal directly with my horrible boss and the company’s horrible lawyer who has demonstrated that she must not have taken an ethics course in law school. Every minute that I have to contribute to dealing with this issue is time that I am not afforded to take care of my health. This lawsuit is causing me to have greater physical pain, emotional and psychological pain. I’m trying to give the information my lawyer needs from me to in small segments, so I don’t become overwhelmed again to the point where my pain is unbearable and I have to go to the emergency room to seek help to manage it. That happened on a few occasions before – and once since – I hired my lawyer and handed everything over to him.

It pains me to know that people I worked with on a daily basis now treat me this way without compassion for my suffering. We shared ideas and laughed together, and provided support to each other to do work that was never easy. I was part of a team until the moment I chose to guard the facts of my health from a woman who understands nothing about boundaries, confidentiality, or privacy. I chose to listen to my intuition and protect myself, which as it turns out, was the right thing to do.

Storms Don't Last Forever

Storms Don’t Last Forever

A couple of nights ago, we had a terrible thunderstorm. There were deafening claps of thunder followed by lengthy flashes of lightning. I’ve always been afraid of thunderstorms. Each flash of lightning made me shudder. I turned to my art/gratitude journal to preoccupy me from what was happening outside my windows. Thankfully, after a few hours, the storm ended and peace was restored to the night. I have to believe that just as that storm and many others I’ve witnessed in my life end, so will what I am enduring with my horrible boss. I have to believe that her mission to inflict harm will be thwarted and I will finally have peace restored to my life.

 

The Doors – Riders On the Storm

Discovering James Radcliffe Through Love

Yesterday I wrote about growing in my understanding of love. As I was uploading my post, I was on a video call with a cousin that lives overseas. He was miffed that I hadn’t shared my blog with him. I had to tell him that this blog is “a space to empty my thoughts and feelings where I don’t have to explain myself to anyone”, worry about judgement, and I receive support in a way that’s different from the people who know me personally who try to tailor things based on what they think I need. I also had to ensure him that not sharing my blog with him doesn’t mean I love him any less – he is after all at the top of my list of favourite British cousins.

Today as I looked through the feedback I received from readers, one piqued my curiosity and I’m glad I clicked through to his site. That reader is James Radcliffe. The first thing I read when I reached his site is this, “I write for all kinds of reasons. One of the big ones is: Writing about something lets me know how I feel about it; and why.” That statement captures the exact reason I write, but have never been able to articulate so precisely. It’s the reason I started this blog when the frustration of living under the cloud of pain medications and not being able to write poetry became unbearable. I’ve written poetry for so long that when I look through my writing I can tell you exactly where I was (figuratively and literally), what I was living through, and what I was feeling. My poetry is a chronology of my life and this blog has restarted its flow.

In addition to his words, James’ site also gave me another lovely surprise: his music. A few months ago when I started looking for ways to cope better with my illness and chronic pain I kept bumping into ‘Tibetan Healing Sounds’ and ‘Tibetan Singing Bowl Meditation Chakra Healing’ videos. I find the sounds and tones in the recordings very calming. Those sounds and tones are present in James Radcliffe’s music. I wrote this while listening to his latest album and the calm I feel is wonderful.

I have to believe that it’s no coincidence that writing about love and opening myself led me to discover James Radcliffe and I am happy to have found him. Take a listen and if you enjoy it support his work.

 

James Radcliffe – Present : Reflections [Deluxe]

Gratitude and Creativity: Go Where Love Grows

I’ve been having what therapists may characterize as ‘emotional breakthroughs’ since becoming ill. One of the most significant is about love. Not the impossibly romantic kind they depict in movies, but the kind where people embrace you warts and all and let you know that they care for and value you always. Because of my growing understanding of that kind of love I’m reconnecting with and growing relationships with people who I can’t imagine what my life would be like if I didn’t know them.

Go Where Love Grows

Go Where Love Grows

Some of them are people who, because of the complicated relationship with my mother, I always felt guilty having in my life. Not surprisingly, since I’ve been ill they are some of the people who have been most supportive, especially when it comes to the emotional support needed as I try to cope with the current conditions of my life. These people love me. They have always loved me. The love they have for me is not dictated by biology or obligation. They love me just because they do. And I love them in return not because there is anything tangible for me to gain; not because I feel that I must reciprocate, but simply because I do.

My recognition that this love exists is changing me. It’s opening me. It’s making me feel positive even as I endure the pain of my illness. This love makes me feel less alone as I live every day in my small space because I know that I am not living through all of this alone. Most importantly, as cliché as it sounds, I now know the true meaning of the phrase “go where love grows”, and I hope others can experience this growth.

 

Edison Lighthouse – Love Grows Where My Rosemary Goes