It appears that the Penny Dreadful television series had an unexpected impact on me: the darkness, the fear, the gore, and the intensity that held it all together.
One episode in particular, Episode 4 of Season 3, ‘A Blade of Grass’, where the character played by Eva Green, Vanessa Ives, relives the trauma of her forgotten institutionalization really moved me. The loneliness, pain, and terror she experiences in her padded cell are raw. Watching her live through every moment was frightening and made me cry at times.
However, a few words from that episode clung to my mind: “not even a blade of grass.” The context in which they are said is meant to convey hopelessness, but I felt inspiration from them.
It took a bit of turning the words over, in my head and in type, but I was finally able to weave them into poetry.
I don’t usually like watching horror or occult-themed shows or movies, and definitely not alone. However, in keeping my mind occupied there is a certain show I can’t seem to turn away from when it’s on the screen that falls within these genres. Truthfully, I go searching for it to catch up on episodes I’ve missed. The show is Penny Dreadful and airs on Showtime Networks. Eva Green a former “Bond girl” and former teen heartthrob Josh Hartnett play lead characters. The main cast is rounded out by Timothy Dalton’s role as an adventuring, aristocratic Victorian gentleman, which he plays as brilliantly as he once played James Bond; and while I’m not as familiar with each member of the supporting cast, they each play their parts brilliantly.
After watching a shocking episode on Sunday night, it disappointed me to learn online last night that it was the unexpected series finale. The show was in its third season. The blurb on the Showtime Network website describes the series’ concept as, “Some of literature’s most terrifying characters, including Dr. Frankenstein and his monster, Dorian Gray, and iconic figures from the novel Dracula are lurking in the darkest corners of Victorian London. They are joined by a core of original characters in a complex, frightening new narrative. Penny Dreadful is a psychological thriller filled with dark mystery and suspense, where personal demons from the past can be stronger than vampires, evil spirits and immortal beasts.”
As terrifying as some as the plot lines are, they fascinated me and made it impossible for me to turn away. I find it believable that within each of us lurks a primal beast just below the surface of our skins. Not to mention the myriad unknown creatures living in the darkest corners of the world and the immeasurable powers they might wield, what some might characterize as supernatural. It frightens and intrigues me to think that we might only see and exist in a small fraction of reality, and that there is a constant battle between the forces of good and evil; not in a religious sense but in relation to the negative and positive energies that fuel the universe and how they emerge. How do we decide which of those pulls to yield to and to what extent we can resist temptation from each pole?
A more intriguing question is whether it is even possible to withstand such powers alone; or if we must, as the show suggests, rely on the strength of others to carry us through darkness. And greater still, is this unending struggle the reason love, in all its forms, is capable of pushing beyond so many perilous situations, especially when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to receive it? Maybe I’m seeing more symbolism than what’s actually present in this chilling dramatic series, but each time the darkness rises up it is one form of light or another that breaks it down. If anyone watched this show, I’d be curious to know if you agree with me.
A few nights ago, I went to a dinner where a dear friend of mine was one of a number of honourees recognized for her career-long contributions to our country. I felt very proud being there to witness a celebration of her achievements. She has accomplished so much in her life it takes my breath away just imagining the commitment and hard work it took for her to meet the goals she set for herself and how she kept reaching higher after meeting each of them. Her humility is also inspiring because she doesn’t see herself as having done anything exceptional beyond what was required of her to contribute to society and give back because of opportunities she was able to seize.
In my life, I was motivated to work hard and make my mark, because of what I’ve seen her do with her life. I learned from her that I could pursue a conventional 9-to-5 career, but also volunteer my time and find creative ways to use my knowledge and skills to help others. It has been wonderful learning from her example that as an ordinary person I could do so much with just the willingness and desire to make a difference. My friend is someone whose life and work I’ve been fortunate to be influenced by and I can’t think of anyone more deserving of the honour and recognition bestowed upon her at that event.
However, as proud as I was to support her, being at that event was difficult for me physically and emotionally. In the three years since I’ve been ill, my career and plans have been on hold. The issues I had chosen to focus on and put my efforts and energies behind to make changes within are moving forward without my contributions. The few moments where my work gained recognition seem so far behind me. With each painful passing day, I am losing touch with people and the progress they are making to affect tangible changes in the world. All of this was amplified as I ate my dinner choice, while trying hard to focus on all the conversation and activity around me for a painfully long four hours.
It’s been hard to accept that the life I planned for myself has changed so drastically. Instead of days bustling with activity to deliver services and resources to people in need of them, I now spend my time working hard to stay awake through the haze of pain medications and building tolerance to bear my pain. I’ve been trying to figure out ways I can still contribute and affect change, without breaching the contract of my disability benefits, but that isn’t really my biggest obstacle: my body is. How can I take part in the industry I wanted to change so significantly without working as hard as I know is required? How can I clear the fog from my mind long enough to work on lengthy projects or deliver coherent presentations or research issues? Just thinking about the demands of the work exhausts me and raises my awareness to the presence of my pain.
Furthermore, I don’t know how long I can be away from my career before what my education and experience taught me become obsolete. I don’t know when I will fade from the memories of the many people I worked with, shared ideas and helped to stay hopeful. I don’t know if I can be satisfied with my past contributions knowing I may not be able to make more. I don’t know when this unexpected interruption in my life will end, but I do know that when it does, it will be hard work getting back on track to where I was once projected to go.
My Small Surrenders 