Tag Archives for journal

Gratitude and Creativity: Truth and Thought

It absolutely sucks when you think you’re having a good day and then out of nowhere you start to cry. Since becoming ill, that happens to me more often than I like to admit. Yesterday was one of those days. I was happily moving through my day when the tears started coming. I’m not sure what triggered them, but if I had to guess, I would say it was my pain. When I woke up yesterday I was feeling what I consider good from a pain perspective, but as the day continued, my pain got worse. Usually that wouldn’t make me cry, but yesterday it felt like there was no one I could tell about my feelings. That caused me to feel overwhelming sadness.

Even though my friends and family are always checking in with me to see how I’m doing, I don’t always feel I can tell them about the extent of my moods – or my pain. I tend to save most of the low feelings and troubling thoughts for my therapist, because I sometimes think that it’s easier not to have everyone worried about me all the time. As much as I appreciate it, I don’t find it comforting to have people constantly concerned about me. I don’t like answering the same questions repeatedly and feeling the need to reassure everyone that I’m doing just fine, especially when I’m not. The moment I tell someone about a bad day, whether my pain or my mood is the cause, they go into “what can I do to make it better” mode; when there is nothing they can do to make it better.

A prime example is me bursting into tears and not being able to explain why. If I told anyone about that, the worry would be immediate and I would feel bad about being the reason for that worry. The interesting thing is I know that if things were reversed, I would try to do whatever I could to make things better for someone I cared for.

Thankfully, I was able to express what I was feeling in poetry because of a timely silent share post, from my friend Bert, that I read yesterday morning.

 

Truth and Thought

 

Zentangle Tile #2: What To Do When The Power Goes Out

The power was out in my home yesterday for a few hours. I’m assuming there was some sort of issue at a nearby power station that knocked it out. Me being me, I didn’t notice that the power was out until I tried to go online to search for something. My laptop’s inability to connect to the interwebs led me to investigate my internet connection. All the lights on my router were off. I checked to see whether the power cord was still connected, it was, but the light on the power bar I plug it into was off. It took flipping the power bar switch on and off a few times before I realized there was no power at all.

No power meant I had to limit the use of my cell phone, so I sent a couple of text messages to let some family and friends know my situation, and then turned off my phone. It also meant I had to delay my plan to take a shower – my bathroom gets quite dark and I don’t need to increase my risk of falling in the shower again. Luckily, I had boiled the kettle a few minutes before the power went off. I made myself a large cup of tea and tried to figure out what I was going to do without power. I decided to work on some more Zentangle patterns and a new tile. I learned two new patterns – sea weed border and wire wrap, which are in the Zentangle 2, Expanded Workbook Edition from the series of books written by Suzanne McNeill. I’ve been working my way through this second book in the series at a snail’s pace. Nonetheless, I now have sixty-six patterns completed in my Zentangle sketchbook.

After practicing the two new tangle patterns, I went to work on my second tile. For this tile, I drew lines to guide my placement of patterns by tracing the lid of a small tea tin and drawing some random lines around it, and I used four tangle patterns. Three of the tangles I’ve learned from Suzanne McNeill’s books and the fourth one I taught myself from the Tangle Patterns site a while ago because I wanted to include it in one of my art/gratitude journal drawings. Here’s the second tile I’ve completed in two days.

Tile 2 Shaded

Tile #2 Shaded – String: Tea Tin Lid & Random Lines – Tangles: Hollibaugh, Huggins, Twilight Zone, Wiggle Waves

I guess power outages are good for something. In my case, I was able to use the lack of electronic distractions to focus on doing something meditative. I had a quiet, calm day. Concentrating on drawing lines on a white 3.5in x 3.5in card, helped put my initial concern about the food, especially the ice cream, in my refrigerator going bad to rest; and made what could have been a stressful day very enjoyable.

 

U2 – Electrical Storm

Zentangle Tile #1: My Body Has Limits

Some months ago, I discovered Zentangle. I started teaching myself individual tangles, which is the name of the patterns created when you draw various lines together. I’ve been adding tangles to the drawings I create in my art/gratitude journal, but for some reason, I kept holding back on actually making a Zentangle tile – that’s drawing tangles on a 3 1/2-inch x 3 1/2-inch square card of paper. I’m not sure why I’ve held back because I bought a few packages of tiles months ago before my surgery. My intention was to make a tile each day as part of my daily meditation or focused mindfulness time – I don’t even know if I should label the time I spend trying to have some quiet or not focus on my pain. The penny just dropped as I read back those last two lines. It seems that every time I try to make something a structured activity I block myself from doing it.

Nonetheless, last week when I went to the hospital for my cousin’s labour, I packed a few distractions in my bag – my art/gratitude journal, Zentangle notebook, pens, coloured markers, and tiles – just in case things took longer than expected. To my surprise, I started a tile – my very first tile. For the string – you’re supposed to draw random lines with a pencil within the border of the tile to make sections so you don’t have to think about where you’re going to add the tangles – I drew the letter B in honour of the baby that was on his way into the world. It took a bit of time for me to flip through my Zentangle notebook to decide which tangle pattern of the many I’ve learned so far to start with, but I settled on one that has become a favourite: flying geese. I had a few minutes to work on filling in the tile, but I had to put it aside when my cousin started having stronger contractions.

I finally got back to the tile today. I needed to focus on something calming because I’ve been having a tough time since I went to the hospital last week to support my cousin during her labour. My body is making it clear to me that I have limits. I knew I overdid it, when walking out of the hospital to find a taxi after the baby’s birth, the soles of my feet and my ankles were sore. Since last Wednesday, my pain has been more intense than my normal levels and my legs, ankles, and feet swelled. The swelling is now declining, but I’m still having some difficulty walking because of the pain.

Today, for about an hour as I finished the tile, my intention to make the lines of the tangles I chose for the tile smooth and filling in spaces with black ink distracted me from my pain. Then I chose which direction was the right side up and focused on adding some shading to each tangle with a pencil. I’m pleased with what I created. I’m also pleased that I found another way to cope with my pain that relies solely on what I can create, even at times when my pain levels are so high.

 

Eagles – Take It To The Limit