Tag Archives for journal

Gratitude and Creativity: Smile Every Day

Sometimes, when sleep eludes me at night, I dig through the endless pages of the interwebs trying to find things that don’t make me feel bad about not sleeping. I know I’m a grown woman who can do whatever she likes at any time of the day or night, but not sleeping often makes me feel guilt and anxiety. Writing that makes me feel a bit silly, but it’s the truth. What’s most significant about that truth, is that it’s a sad truth because I’ve had issues with sleep for as long as I can remember, so that means my body has been holding a lot of guilt and anxiety about not sleeping for a long time. Sleep is the lynchpin to good health: mental and physical, so as things go I’m not doing too well.

Sleep aside, last night I landed on a page with inspirational posters. One of them was very simple: Smile Every Day. It made perfect sense and affected me so strongly I had to create a poster of my own. At about 11:00 PM last night I grabbed my sketchbook (the one I started when I was in the hospital), a pencil, and all my coloured markers. The idea I had forced me to log on to Pinterest to find a drawing tutorial because I couldn’t figure out how to draw a mouth. Yup, I couldn’t figure out how to draw the thing I shovel food into every day and from which drool happily flows when I do finally sleep thanks to my night guard. In the end, I found an easy tutorial and I was able to draw a mouth that I think fits perfectly with the quote and my design.

Smile Every Day

This quote affected me so deeply because when I started working in sales many years ago, in the sales/customer service department of a software company; one of the things they taught us in training is that before we answer the phone we should always smile. Smiling boosts the tone in your voice and makes you sound positive when speaking to someone on the phone. Some people kept a small mirror at their desk as a reminder to put on a smile because there were days when we didn’t always feel like smiling.

Jumping to the present day, I realized when I read that poster yesterday that I haven’t been smiling every day. I’m not depressed. But my pain doesn’t’ make it easy to smile. I’m also back at home again and alone most days, which means I don’t have anyone to smile with unless someone comes to visit, or I get a phone call.

I’m glad I found that page last night. Now I have a reminder for myself to smile every day. Regardless of how much pain I might be feeling, if I’ve had very little sleep, or the sun isn’t shining; I’m going to smile every day.

 

Virtual Therapy Sessions

I’ve been very fortunate, as I’ve been dealing with my illness to have the support of a good mental health team. On days when the pain has made it difficult for me to get out and make it to my appointments with my therapist we’ve had my sessions by phone. In the meantime, he was working to get approval for us to have my sessions on a secure video conference service. We had a test run last week but we ran into some technical issues so things didn’t go very smoothly. I was disconnected a few times and when I did connect, his voice kept being garbled. Because of the technical difficulties, we had to resort to the phone for what ended up being a very short session.

My therapist got technical support at the clinic involved to work out the kinks. I had a call around lunchtime today with the program support contact. She walked me through some troubleshooting steps and we figured out the issues. The video conference service requires a double log-in or two-factor authentication for the log in to be secure. I wasn’t aware of that, so when I kept seeing the same pop-up window open on the screen, I thought it was an error. When I closed the second window it forced the program to start over, which appeared as if I was being repeatedly kicked out. The second issue with the garbled voice was easily solved. She said that because I use a laptop my speakers don’t carry the sound of the video conference application well. She asked me to try using my phone earbuds or headphones if I had them. My earbuds worked perfectly.

With all the technical issues solved, I logged in to my therapy session later in the afternoon. I was able to see and hear my therapist clearly. We had an hour-long session without any technical glitches at all. The most important piece of the session is that my therapist was able to see me, which meant he was able to gauge my reactions to the issues we discussed. That’s important in my sessions because my therapy is based in mindfulness practices. The live video stream gave my therapist the opportunity to see me so he could help me process what I was feeling in my body more slowly as we worked through the session. The quality of this virtual video session was much better than just a phone call. We scheduled my next therapy session for a few weeks from now. It’s scheduled as if I’m going to go into his office, but if my pain is too great, we will use the video conference service instead.

I’m so appreciative of the efforts my therapist has made to accommodate me during my illness. Having mental health support has kept me afloat at times when I didn’t know if I could cope with my pain and the mystery of its origins. I continue to have the support now and my therapist is helping to find additional resources to help me cope with the disappointment that my pain is still present after surgery and possible alternative therapies to help me heal (e.g. iRest, chronic pain groups). I can’t imagine what I would do without this support and these resources, and I can’t imagine how anyone who doesn’t have access to mental health services is getting through a life with chronic pain or a chronic illness.

 

Jamiroquai – Virtual Insanity

It’s Not About Me Today

Today one of my dearest friends is having surgery. She told me not to worry, but of course, I’m worried. She’s one of the people who have supported me through my illness since the beginning. She has come with me to doctors’ appointments – I’ve lost count of how many; she has taken me to and been there when I’ve woken up after many of the procedures and surgery I’ve undergone; and she has opened her home to me and cared for me.

We became friends many years before my illness, and the decades that separate our ages have become irrelevant. She is one of the few women in my life that I trust wholly to guide and advise me because she has lived an incredible life in which she has accomplished incredible things, I respect her tremendously, but above all, she is always honest – even when it might hurt. We have shared hours upon hours of laughter – the kind where you almost pee your pants – and she has opened my eyes to many truths about life. With just a few words, she gives me strength to face difficult situations, and her unassuming nature always puts me at ease. Truth be told, she is important to me in ways that my mother should be.

I can’t be there for her physically, so today my heart and mind are with Z and I am sending her positive energy to support her through, what she says is nothing to worry about.

 

Coldplay – Yellow