Tag Archives for journal

Constant Exhaustion and Missing Meds

Lately, I’ve been constantly exhausted. A part of it is my messed up sleep schedule. The other part of it is my pain medication level. However, this constant exhaustion is causing a problem: I’m missing some of my pain medication alarms or falling back asleep before I take a dose of my medications – as I did this afternoon.

Missing some of my scheduled medication times is causing my pain levels to fluctuate, and my goal to taper my pain medications to a lower dose is not going very smoothly. I know that I only had surgery a month ago and my body is still healing, but this constant exhaustion is making it hard for me to develop a normal routine and it’s frustrating me.

I’m wondering if anyone has any suggestions about how I can cope with this.

 

Gratitude and Creativity: How I’m Healing

One of the best things I’ve ever done for myself is start my art/gratitude journal. Starting this journal connected me to my quiet self and gave me a tool to help heal myself. Since coming out of surgery – probably the second day after – I started drawing and colouring. With drawing and colouring, I was able to tune out a lot of my pain, other patients, and the busyness of the medical staff and support staff around me.

The first things I made while I was in the hospital contain a loving kindness meditation mantra that I learned many years ago in a mindfulness meditation course. The mantra is

May I live in safety
May I be happy
May I be healthy
May I live my life with ease

I often say this mantra when I feel anxiety. It helps to calm and ground me. Drawing it helped me feel less anxious about all the things that were happening to me in the first few days of my recovery. Things like the drastic drop in my blood pressure (it fell to 60/45), the unbearable pain flare when they removed my epidural, then my blood pressure spiking in response to the pain, and starting to walk again, which was incredibly painful. It was all very intense, so I needed something to keep me calm; as the doctors and nurses did their jobs to get my vitals back within normal ranges and prepare me to go home.

May I Live In Safety
May I Live In Safety
May I Be Happy
May I Be Happy
May I Be Healthy
May I Be Healthy
May I Live My Life With Ease
May I Live My Life With Ease

I’m glad I had the forethought to pack my art/gratitude journal, my Zentangle notebook, a new sketchbook, coloured pencils, and markers in my suitcase. I’m glad I’ve found things I can do, even under the fog of pain medication, that relax and calm me while giving me a creative outlet. The things that so many people believe are meant only for children have become significant tools for coping with my pain, and they are contributing to my healing.

 

Celebrating Old Friendships

Today is my friend F’s 50th birthday, or as she has decided to name it her ‘Second 40th’. Whichever one it is, I’m happy that I’ve known her for many of those years. The testament to our friendship is that even when we haven’t been in touch for ages as soon as we make contact we still feel connected and are able to pick up where we left off as if we’d only seen each other days before. We have a comfort with each other that we know isn’t easy to find, but we also understand exists because we value each other and know that maintaining good friendships takes work.

When F learned about my illness, she was devastated. She immediately wanted to know what she could do to help me. Then she rethought her question and said she shouldn’t be asking she should just be showing up at my home to do what I might need done. She said that as my friend that’s what anyone should do. Thankfully, I have others in my life that believe the same thing she does.

This summer F lost her mother. She was a lovely woman. She often invited me to their home for dinner where she regaled us with tales of her youth, gave us sage advice, and served wonderful pies. I wasn’t able to attend the funeral, but I was able to console F in conversation. We both cried for the loss of her mother, and were able to find comfort in shared memories. During that conversation, even under such sad circumstances, we were happy, to be together because of our friendship.

I’m one of a handful of people invited to celebrate F’s ‘Second 40th’ this coming Saturday. I’ve been resting this week with the hope that my pain will be manageable enough so I’ll at least be able to show up to the restaurant to give her a hug. If I can’t make it, I know she’ll understand. I feel blessed that F is my friend and I am happy to be part of this celebration of her life.

 

TLC – What About Your Friends