Tag Archives for journal

Farmhouse Retreat

I’ll be leaving the confines of the approximately 600 square feet that are my apartment for a few days. A close friend has invited me to spend some time with her at her farm a few hours outside of the city. I like it there. The house sits on a rolling 100 acres of farmland. It is spacious but the individual rooms are cozy, and the stairs creak when you climb them. The house is far enough away from the road so it’s always peacefully quiet and when the sun shines it finds its way in through every window it can reach.

Getting to the farm will be tough. I have difficulty traveling in vehicles since becoming ill. My pain is aggravated by the motion and the terrain being travelled over. I feel every start, bump, and stop. Sharp turns and potholes are the absolute worst thing my body must endure. When I’m being driven by a friend or family member they are mindful of the need to move as smoothly as traffic will allow, but on occasions when I travel by taxi, I find myself holding my breath and white-knuckling my way through the ride. It’s incredible how something I never gave a second thought to when I was healthy now creates such anxiety and elevates my pain levels.

One of the nice things about this trip to the farm will be the days in between the car rides when I will have time to rest my body. It usually takes about a day for my body to recalibrate to my normal pain levels. When the pain settles I will be able to claim a spot on the couch to look out the sitting room window and scout for the turkey vultures that make their home in the barn. When I eventually sleep there will be complete darkness because there is no light pollution to creep in through the curtains. And we will have meandering conversations over large mugs of coffee that will take my focus – even if it’s just for short moments – away from my pain.

At the end of the long car ride it’s nice to know that all I’ll have to do is take it easy…

 

Eagles – Take It Easy

The Complicated Web That Is My Family

I wasn’t raised in a traditional nuclear family. My parents separated when I was very young. They each went on to have other relationships and marriages. Those relationships and marriages brought new families into my life and as an adult I still maintain connections to some of the people who became my aunties, uncles and cousins. The complicated part of all this is that when my parents moved on and cut ties from these people they expected me to do the same even though these people had become important figures in my life.

Now that I’m ill some of these aunties, uncles and cousins have stepped up to support me. They have made me meals to stock my freezer so I didn’t have to cook for weeks. They call to get progress updates about my condition. They come to visit and sit with me to just talk about nothing. They have shown up when I needed it and I didn’t have ask.

What makes this complicated is that these aunties, uncles and cousins are people who my mother cut out of her life. I have kept the support I’m receiving from them secret from my mother. Every time I speak to or see one of them I feel a bit guilty. Actually, it’s more accurate to say I feel conflicted. These people love me and I need all the love I can get right now, but I feel – I’ve always felt – that being with them betrays my mother.

I’ve been trying for what feels like forever to accept that these pieces of my life have to exist independent of each other. Right now maintaining separations and keeping secrets adds a layer of complication to my life that is exhausting when I need to focus my energy on bigger things. I’m aware that I’m making the choice that perpetuates this internal conflict but I feel like the alternative would be worse.

Why does family have to be so complicated?

 

Avril Lavigne – Complicated (Official Video)

I Wish I Could Vomit

Lately I’ve been feeling that if I could vomit I would be able to purge my body of my illness and pain.

The funny thing is that vomiting freaks me out. It always has. The thought of having the contents of my stomach pushed out of me with immeasurable force until there is nothing left but air makes me queasy. It has always embarrassed me to lose control of my body in that way. So my body contorting as I heave and retch uncontrollably has never been undesirable.

Now I crave those sensations. I want to expel the toxic combination of chemicals I’m feeding my body to fight the pain. I want to spew the pain so it can be flushed away from me. And I want to banish the bitter bile that is building in every cell of my body as my illness and pain mock the conventions of medicine and refuse to be purged.

Mostly, I long for the fresh sensation I have felt after washing the film of expelled matter from my mouth. I want my body to feel the relief of release. I want to feel cleansed.

But my body will not cooperate. The pain and illness continue to dig in – literally. And the nausea in my stomach remains, but I cannot vomit.

 

Stevie Wonder – Lately