Tag Archives for life

Reminded Of My Interrupted Life

A few nights ago, I went to a dinner where a dear friend of mine was one of a number of honourees recognized for her career-long contributions to our country. I felt very proud being there to witness a celebration of her achievements. She has accomplished so much in her life it takes my breath away just imagining the commitment and hard work it took for her to meet the goals she set for herself and how she kept reaching higher after meeting each of them. Her humility is also inspiring because she doesn’t see herself as having done anything exceptional beyond what was required of her to contribute to society and give back because of opportunities she was able to seize.

In my life, I was motivated to work hard and make my mark, because of what I’ve seen her do with her life. I learned from her that I could pursue a conventional 9-to-5 career, but also volunteer my time and find creative ways to use my knowledge and skills to help others. It has been wonderful learning from her example that as an ordinary person I could do so much with just the willingness and desire to make a difference. My friend is someone whose life and work I’ve been fortunate to be influenced by and I can’t think of anyone more deserving of the honour and recognition bestowed upon her at that event.

Reminded Of My Interrupted Life

However, as proud as I was to support her, being at that event was difficult for me physically and emotionally. In the three years since I’ve been ill, my career and plans have been on hold. The issues I had chosen to focus on and put my efforts and energies behind to make changes within are moving forward without my contributions. The few moments where my work gained recognition seem so far behind me. With each painful passing day, I am losing touch with people and the progress they are making to affect tangible changes in the world. All of this was amplified as I ate my dinner choice, while trying hard to focus on all the conversation and activity around me for a painfully long four hours.

It’s been hard to accept that the life I planned for myself has changed so drastically. Instead of days bustling with activity to deliver services and resources to people in need of them, I now spend my time working hard to stay awake through the haze of pain medications and building tolerance to bear my pain. I’ve been trying to figure out ways I can still contribute and affect change, without breaching the contract of my disability benefits, but that isn’t really my biggest obstacle: my body is. How can I take part in the industry I wanted to change so significantly without working as hard as I know is required? How can I clear the fog from my mind long enough to work on lengthy projects or deliver coherent presentations or research issues? Just thinking about the demands of the work exhausts me and raises my awareness to the presence of my pain.

Furthermore, I don’t know how long I can be away from my career before what my education and experience taught me become obsolete. I don’t know when I will fade from the memories of the many people I worked with, shared ideas and helped to stay hopeful. I don’t know if I can be satisfied with my past contributions knowing I may not be able to make more. I don’t know when this unexpected interruption in my life will end, but I do know that when it does, it will be hard work getting back on track to where I was once projected to go.

 

McFadden & Whitehead – Ain’t No Stopping Us Now

 

Bittersweet: Living With Chronic Pain And Hypoglycemia

I’m hypoglycemic. Hypoglycemia is “a condition characterized by an abnormally low level of blood sugar (glucose),” in your body. Blood sugar/glucose is your body’s main energy source, and low levels can cause some big problems. Think extreme sugar crashes that cause you to get “the shakes” and cold sweats, and in extreme cases pass out. This is not a good thing when you’re a chronic pain sufferer. Being in pain all the time makes it hard to follow a regular schedule for meals because intense pain makes it difficult to move, which means preparing something to eat isn’t always easy. The high doses of pain medication don’t help either. If my appetite isn’t dampened by unbearable pain, I often don’t eat because I’m too groggy to focus or stay awake, or I can’t remember the last time I ate something.

I was diagnosed as hypoglycemic about two decades ago. The doctors, who diagnosed me, were never able to give a specific cause for this condition in my body. I saw multiple endocrinologists who are doctors that specialize in diagnosing diseases related to the glands and treating “people who suffer from hormonal imbalances, typically from glands in the endocrine system.” For an endocrinologist, “the overall goal of treatment is to restore the normal balance of hormones found in a patient’s body.” In my case, not only was my blood sugar dangerously low, but my insulin levels were ridiculously high too. This was significant because insulin is the hormone in the body that keeps your blood sugar level from becoming too high (hyperglycemia) or dropping too low (hypoglycemia). Insulin does this by allowing “your body to use sugar (glucose) from carbohydrates in the food that you eat for energy or to store glucose for future use.”

Unfortunately, I didn’t know that this process hadn’t worked properly in my body for a long time. What I thought was just exhaustion from overwork was actually my body getting close to shutting down. Following my diagnosis, I underwent a barrage of tests to figure out the best treatment(s) for me. Each endocrinologist I met with had different theories about why these imbalances existed in my body. More surprisingly, each one had a vastly different treatment approach he wanted to use to restore my blood sugar/glucose and insulin to normal levels. The most extreme was an endocrinologist who wanted me to undergo surgery so he could manually massage my pancreas on the off chance I might have a microscopic pancreatic tumor. I opted not to do that because the CT scans I had before seeing him showed no sign that any such tumor or other growth(s) existed.

Bittersweet - Blood Glucose Monitor

What finally helped me to re-establish normal blood sugar/glucose and insulin levels wasn’t surgery or medications. It was changing the way I eat. I did not go on a diet. However, I had to eliminate some foods (processed carbohydrates with added sugars) and add more of others (high protein), and I had to eat more often throughout the day – what some people refer to as grazing. I also had to start using a blood glucose monitor to check my blood sugar levels daily. It took a long time to get used to these changes, but I felt a definite improvement in my health and had fewer and fewer low blood sugar episodes, which was a relief because passing out is never fun.

Over the years, whenever I’ve strayed from my proven formula of a specific balance in my meals and eating frequently throughout each day, I feel a change within my body. I start to feel sluggish, weakened, and off balance and I have had episodes of fainting without much warning. I’ve been feeling some of those symptoms more and more over the last three years. Sadly, a few weeks ago I had to start monitoring my blood sugar levels on a daily basis again. It hasn’t reached dangerously low levels, but it’s been low enough on a few occasions that I have to be vigilant about eating more and more often. As I stated before, eating as I should, because of my pain, is not easy now but my experience with hypoglycemia reminds me that the alternative is a lot worse.

 

The Archies – Sugar, Sugar

 

Doppelgänger Dilemma

As I traveled to a recent appointment, I saw a woman I can only describe as the doppelgänger of someone who was once a close friend of mine. The striking resemblance to my former friend startled me so much I almost spoke to her, but instead I just stared, which made her and then me obviously uncomfortable. The one thing that made it clear the woman standing in front of me wasn’t the person I had once known was that she was heavily pregnant, which is a stage of life my former friend has long passed. However, the style of her hair and the shape of her features could have made them twins.

The interesting thing is that the friendship I had with this former friend grew tremendously during her pregnancy with her second child. Before that, we did the usual things adult friends do while keeping each other at a comfortable distance: we hung out some weekends, went to the movies, and went shopping together, but during her pregnancy, she changed; she became more open and caring. I enjoyed this less critical and nonjudgmental aspect of her personality. I naïvely thought that this sensitive, empathetic side of her would become a permanent fixture and we would be friends until we reached old age. Unfortunately, after the birth of her child – and what I have to assume was the re-balancing of her hormones – she reverted to the person I’d known before, and being around her for more than a few hours at a time became difficult to bear.

I’ll never understand why some people believe it is okay to treat other people like crap and still keep the privilege of participating in their lives. Why anyone believes that as long as you apologize after making cutting remarks or insults all will be well again, until the next time they do the same, is beyond me. This woman’s behaviour towards other people was so harsh at times that witnessing it made me wince. We eventually went our separate ways because of a series of things she did to others and me where, even after having the negative and hurtful effects pointed out, she made light of the situations and felt we should act as if they hadn’t happened and move forward. As expected, that lack of acknowledgement and trivialization caused more hurt. For a long while after we cut ties, I missed spending time with her and being “auntie” to her children, but our values and beliefs about how to treat people were so different I couldn’t see a way back to fully trusting her and being open about my life. I believe that had I continued in our friendship that it would just have been a matter of time before more incidents arose and ended things.

A lot of time has passed and although I know her children are nearly grown and may not even remember me, I do think of them often; and after seeing this former friend’s doppelgänger, I felt the urge to reach out to see how she and her family are doing. Then I remembered her condescension at my past efforts to mend our relationship, and that I’ve run into her over the years since we stopped spending time together and how things always felt awkward and forced. I no longer feel comfortable sharing any of what is happening in my life with her because I don’t want to be subjected to her judgement or hear her disapproving tone. I think I made the right decision not to pick up the phone, but deep down I’ve been questioning how one short conversation could hurt…

 

Lily Allen – Friend Of Mine