Tag Archives for life

InkTober: Day 18 – Escape

Who doesn’t want to escape? From our daily lives, our jobs, and even our families; we’ve all thought about getting away from everything. And, it could be so easy to do. Pack a bag, buy a ticket to destinations unknown, then off you go. The challenge in life is staying, sticking out the choices and commitments to others and ourselves. However, sometimes we meet things we never expected – an unshakeable change of heart, fear of failure, the never-ending expectations after achieving success, workplace harassment, intimate violence, abuse –, which make escaping not only enticing but necessary.

I’ve lived through, and witnessed, situations no person should ever have to endure. I’ve seen a lack of kindness and empathy in the world that makes me wonder how it is we’ve survived this long as a civilization, or species. The work I used to do made me hopeful, sometimes, that education and access to resources could make people’s lives better and create communities in which people could feel safe and not need to plan, or pray, for a way to escape their lives. I often wonder if the work I did was ever truly helpful to anyone or when I’ll be able to get back to making contributions – meaningful ones – to a world from which so many of us would like to escape.

InkTober - Day 18 - Escape

 

InkTober: Day 17 – Battle

A few days ago, one of my closest friends paid me an impromptu visit with a take-out order from our favourite burger place. While we were hanging out – and stuffing ourselves silly –, he recalled how we used to get together to do things with very little planning. All it took was a quick phone call or short text message exchange to get me dressed and out the door into whatever adventure awaited us. He spoke of those shared moments with melancholy and told me how much he genuinely missed that aspect of our friendship.

I often think of those times, which leads me to fight with myself in a mental battle between what is and what was. I miss the life I had before my illness. The life that was full of spontaneous moments and the power to choose whether to be active or lazily sequester myself from the busyness of life under a warm blanket with a good book; the days when I excitedly planned adventures with the company of friends, or the solo travels I embarked on to faraway places. I yearn for it all. However, my current reality forces me to live a more reserved low-key life, with little choice sometimes about when to rest.

Unfortunately, the desire I have to live that old life again comes with the painful reminders that it’s not possible for me to run about until all hours of the night anymore – or what was sometimes very early morning – doing whatever high-energy activity beckons. The tug of the past on my current existence is mentally exhausting, and I’m still working to find a way to call a truce between these very different phases of my life. I’m loathe to throw down a white flag because I still believe there must be a way to surrender myself to what exists now, without giving up every active pleasure, in this war with my body. Until then, I’ll keep a running tally of each personal battle I come through feeling a little less sore and weary.

InkTober - Day 17 - Battle

 

InkTober: Day 16 – Wet

One of the things I miss in my life is traveling. Especially the opportunity it gives to visit places with sandy beaches and open water coloured in beautiful shades of blues and greens. I prefer swimming in saltwater because I don’t like the lingering chemical smell of chlorine or the way it dries the moisture from my skin. Instead of being confined by a concrete swimming pool, I’ve always enjoyed the feeling of floating in the waters of an ocean or sea that seem to fall far beyond the horizon.

I loved the feeling of being just another tiny speck of life as I was tossed by endless rolling waves. I miss standing chest-deep in salty water. Turning my back to the approaching foam of waves and nervously anticipating when they will knock me off my feet and push me closer to the shore. I long to bob up and down under brilliant blue skies. My wet waterlogged body made buoyant by the salt in the water and the skin on my fingers wrinkling; signalling that I have played in the warm water for too long.

I want my body to experience all those wonderful sensations again; soon.

InkTober - Day 16 - Wet