Tag Archives for Mental Health

Gratitude and Creativity: Daisies and Rediscoveries

I’ve been struggling to cope with a pain flare up since last week. The flare up started because I had multiple days of activity. Going out is a struggle for me. The motion in any vehicle I ride in sends pain shooting through my pelvis. Then my recovery depends on how far the ride is and how much walking I have to do when I get to my destination. Sometimes I can recover in a day but other times, like last week, when I have to go to multiple appointments or just out for the sake of leaving the house it takes days.

This pain flare up is compounded by swollen calves, ankles and feet, and more pain in my legs, back, and right hip. The hip pain is new and makes it difficult for me to sit. All of this is disrupting my sleep. So I either can’t sleep or after a couple of days of little sleep I crash and can’t stay awake – think narcolepsy.

Today, when it became clear that sleep was not an option, I decided to do something to distract me from the pain. A couple of weeks ago I started a doodle in my art/gratitude journal but didn’t know how to finish it. What was on the page was a roughly sketched frame with nothing in it. I decided to draw Gerbera daisies inside it. They are one of my favourite varieties of flowers. The brilliant brightly coloured blooms always put a smile on my face.

Gratitude & Creativity – Daisy with Frame

My art/gratitude journal is reconnecting me to parts of myself that I almost forgot ever existed, while opening me to learning many new things. But because I haven’t drawn much in years it is quite challenging for me to draw flowers. I spent a few hours sketching the daisies with a pencil. Then I used colour markers to fill in the details. I originally planned to fill the petals with bright colour, but as I coloured I felt I should leave them empty – I can always change it later. I had to concentrate hard to produce something I like. Focusing on drawing daisies distracted my mind from the pain for a little while and made the day go by faster.

 

Lindsey Stirling – Electric Daisy Violin

Gratitude and Creativity: Labyrinth

I did something yesterday that made me smile and made me proud of myself. I drew a labyrinth. So what you may be thinking. And maybe it does deserve a “so what”, but it’s what I learned from it that’s important.

I think it was two or three days ago that I stumbled upon a document with instructions for how to draw a labyrinth. I was happy to find it because some time before that I found a Zentangle challenge that required drawing a labyrinth and I had no clue about how to do it. So I gave up on the challenge. Then I found the instructions.

How to Draw a Labyrinth

How to Draw a Labyrinth

The instructions looked straightforward so I decided to follow them. About ten minutes later, when I hadn’t successfully drawn a labyrinth, I was extremely frustrated and ready to quit. But being naturally stubborn I kept trying. I lost track of how much time it took me to finish drawing the lines that finally resembled the tidy example on the instruction page. However, I wasn’t satisfied with mine so I put it aside instead of completing the challenge, which is to fill the labyrinth with Zentangle patterns.

Yesterday after writing in my gratitude/art journal I went back to the page of my imperfect labyrinth to fill it in with Zentangle patterns. The first thing to do was set the pencil sketch in ink with my black Sharpie pen. I looked at my wobbly-lined labyrinth and decided that I needed to straighten the lines so I grabbed my ruler and found circular items (a small juice glass, a teacup, and a small bowl) that I could trace to draw the rounded edges. The center starting points I had drawn were skewed so I used my ruler as a guide and drew nice, neat, straight lines along its edge. But then, even with the pencil sketch on the page, I felt the same confusion I had a few days before when I tried to connect the curved lines to create the labyrinth’s path. My mind couldn’t – or wouldn’t – visualize the right direction(s) to draw. Thanks a lot brain fog.

I stopped. I took a few deep breaths. Then I really looked at the page and the lines. I finally was able to see where to make the connections to draw the lines. I didn’t need the ruler. I didn’t need to trace anything. I drew the labyrinth within minutes. The best part about it was that it wasn’t perfect. For a few moments I was able to let go of my need to make something perfect. I was smiling. Then I was laughing. I understood the point of the exercise.

Gratitude & Creativity - Labyrinth

Gratitude & Creativity – Labyrinth

It was about letting go and freeing my mind of anything but drawing those lines. I was able to let go for a brief time and it felt good. I didn’t move forward with filling in the Zentangle patterns. I didn’t feel the need to and I just wanted to hold on to sensations that I so rarely feel since my illness arrived: contentment, satisfaction, pride, and pure joy.

 

U2 – Beautiful Day

Why Am I Being Punished?

I’ve been crying on and off since my appointment with my reluctant surgeon a couple days ago.

My friend J went with me to the appointment – she usually does to make sure I ask and get answers to all my questions – and even though she had to go back to work, she was kind enough to sit with me for a while afterward to help me process what had happened over a cup of coffee. She was as confused as I still am, and she was sympathetic because she has gone through this with me since the beginning. I’m not sure how I would be coping with all of this without her support. She called later in the day to see how I was doing. She shared some of her thoughts with me and helped me solidify my plan for moving forward.

J isn’t the only person I’ve spoken with since my appointment. Whenever I have an appointment there is a list of people who, if they can’t go with me, I have to talk with about what happened. Everyone was as confused as J and I were. The responses ranged from angered disbelief to calm measured instruction about what I should do next. And the consensus was – as it has been for some time – that the response to my illness has been poor and that my reluctant surgeon may not be the right surgeon for me.

In between these conversations I cried. I’ve been so overwhelmed and distraught that I asked myself an irrational question that pops up when I lose sight of hope: WHY AM I BEING PUNISHED? I know I’ve done nothing to deserve this illness. But at times like this I can’t keep from shouting out to whoever or whatever might be listening out in the universe and asking what I did wrong and how I can fix it. Sadly, no answer ever comes.

No answer ever comes about why there has been so little movement toward making me better and it scares me. It scares me to think that none of the doctors I have seen have enough interest in working to get me better. No answers ever come about whether my reluctant surgeon is right that if I have the surgery it will cause me more harm than good and I will never be pain-free and it scares me. It scares me to think that she is not considering the pain I have now and how it has increased significantly in two years, and how much more it might increase if she does nothing. No answers ever come about why I keep encountering doctors who are so single-minded and unwilling to hear me when I tell them what is happening in my body. It scares me because if I’m in such close proximity to my doctors and they don’t listen to me then why in the world would the universe.

If the universe is listening maybe that’s why I received a call this afternoon from the office of the gynecologist who figured out I was misdiagnosed. He is also the one who has managed my referrals to other doctors and clinics for treatments. His staff heard my distress and squeezed me into a spot to see him next week. My hope is that he will listen to me and help me figure out the next step in untangling the painful mess that is my life.

 

The Beatles – Across the Universe