Tag Archives for Mental Health

My Horrible Boss Is a Terrible Pain

The day I called in sick almost two years ago my horrible boss set in motion what has become a nightmare with no end in sight. She came to the hospital to see me even though I made it clear that I did not need her there. During the uncomfortably long visit – it should be noted that she brought one of my co-workers with her – I was lying in the hospital bed in nothing but a gown and feeling incredible pain. My pain was being managed by Oxycodone so I had to fight very hard to concentrate to not let down my defences or my inhibitions, and not reveal any personal information while the pain boiled in my abdomen. With my co-worker present my horrible boss asked me embarrassingly personal questions trying to uncover information to which she had no legal right. She continued to invade my personal life after the visit with daily phone calls asking questions about my symptoms and diagnosis.

Weeks later when it was clear that I was too sick to return to work and needed to take a sick leave, she delayed starting the process for my short-term disability benefits. Under the fog of pain medications and in indescribable pain, I had to start the process myself. First I had to investigate what benefits I qualified for and then submit the paperwork. While I waited for approval of these benefits, my horrible boss decided not to pay me my salary. Imagine my shock when I checked my bank balance and found no new funds. That was the last straw for me. Naively, I filed a formal complaint against her for this behaviour that any reasonable person would agree was reprehensible.

Unfortunately for me, the people to whom I filed my complaint didn’t see it that way. Whether it was down to self-preservation or blind loyalty, the investigation was turned on its head and they started to dig into my life. How sick was I really? Could my doctor provide information to substantiate the need for my sick leave? Could my doctor pinpoint the date when I would return to work? What accommodations or modifications of my duties would they have to make for me when I returned to work? It was only when these questions were answered they started to investigate my complaint against my horrible boss – that was three months after I filed it. And what they characterised as an investigation predictably ended with my horrible boss receiving a slap on the wrist.

I’m venting about this today because I had to engage with this situation again. I had to contact my lawyer. My horrible boss terminated my employment a few months ago without notifying me and she and the powers that be are refusing to reverse the decision. I’ve been trying to figure out which legal route to take to bring this situation to closure. I need to do the thing that will have the least harmful effect on my health but will have consequences that are enforceable for my horrible boss.

Sadly, every time I have to think about this or actively do something it makes me feel a higher level of pain and my entire body feels overwhelmed. I can’t figure out how to process this situation in a way that makes it ok. How is it right for anyone to treat another human being this way? How can it be right for an employer to act so violently against a sick employee? How can it be right for an employer to take away the very things an employee needs to take care of their health and recover so they can return to work? How can it be right that someone living with debilitating pain should have added layers of trauma piled on them by their employer when they are most vulnerable?

I want this stress eliminated from my life.

 

Maroon 5 – Misery

My Legs Are On Fire

Intellectually I understand the definition of referred pain – pain felt at a site different from that of an injured or diseased organ or body part – and how “it is due to the fact that nerve signals from several areas of the body may “feed” the same nerve pathway leading to the spinal cord and brain.” I also understand how it’s physiologically possible for pain signals to get altered as they travel along the nervous system to the brain and result in horrendous pain in a body.

Pain and How You Sense It

Pain and How You Sense It

But, after all this time I still can’t make sense of how it’s possible for something in my lower abdomen to cause me to feel so much pain in my legs, back – and since my unsuccessful procedure in February – by right butt cheek. Since waking up this morning my legs are on fire and my back hurts from my lower spine to my neck. I can’t find a comfortable sitting position. I’m walking like someone whose body is significantly aged and has experienced decades of brutal punishment. While every nerve in my body is on high alert waiting for what might come next.

I feel such burning pain that I imagine it would be easy to set another person on fire with the slightest touch from my skin. Today is not a rare day. This is the kind of pain that I am now accustomed to feeling. Whether it starts early at the break of morning, in the middle of a brightly lit afternoon, or as evening winds into the darkness of night, my pain cannot be separated from my body. All the same, the intellectual logic of knowing why this is happening cannot blend with the desperate, emotional child trying to jump out of my body and run as far away as possible from all this pain.

A Flock Of Seagulls – I Ran

Gratitude and Creativity

Before my illness arrived I had some creative pursuits that I tried to commit time to daily. I wrote poetry. I walked around with a point-and-shoot camera and/or my iPhone all the time to make certain I never missed capturing a beautiful moment – flowers, sunsets, the movements of the city – then I used the images I captured to create graphic art. I painted – not very well – but my creations pleased me and the few friends who saw beauty in them.

Now I struggle to do any of those things. I am unable to do any of them with the same frequency, or at all. The constant weight of pain medications on my brain has reduced writing creatively to a slow trickle, which means I haven’t written many poems recently. Because of the pain I can’t go for walks when I want to take pictures of the active world and changing seasons outside my apartment. I have been trying to replace these creative things with activities I can do within the walls of my apartment without too much cerebral or physical effort.

Recently, while clicking through boards on Pinterest I found a creative project – art journaling. It does not require much effort and I decided to add my own twist. I’m combining creativity with gratitude. Each day I write about something for which I am grateful. Then – if I’m alert enough or not feeling too much pain – I sketch shapes or practice Zentangle doodles. I use coloured pencils and markers to draw and fill in the shapes I sketch, or I can paint the pages with water-colour paints. I’ve even written a few poems.

I have found a way to re-ignite my creativity while focusing on positive things. And, I am putting all of these things in one place where I can flip through the pages any time I need remind myself of about the good things that are in my life.