Tag Archives for Mental Health

Bad Sleep Hygiene

To say I’ve been having trouble sleeping is a monumental understatement. I wasn’t a good sleeper before I got ill – I had a sleep study years ago that confirmed I have a sleep disorder – and now sleep taunts me like a schoolyard bully.

A lot of the time I get the worst pain flare ups starting in the early evening. Whenever I end up in the hospital emergency room it’s because of one of these evening gifts. Most nights I convince myself that I can cope with the help of deep breathing; a mantra I whisper to myself at the worst peaks “the pain is not real”; or by numbing my mind with countless hours of internet surfing and TV watching.

I keep telling myself that I have to do something to fix this bad sleep hygiene. My efforts might work for a night or two, but as soon as the pain climbs it all goes out the window. My body wakes me at 2:00 AM, then 3:00 AM, then 4:00 AM, then… – I think you get the picture – until it’s impossible to stay in bed. Then about late-morning I struggle to keep my eyes open and have to submit myself to the pull of sleep, which only lasts for a few hours.

I read today that “it takes, on average, 21 days for a new habit to form”. I know this. I also know that I haven’t given my body a fair chance to adjust to the sleep needs controlled by my pain. To cope better I need more sleep. To keep my body strong I need more sleep. To hold on to my mental health I need more sleep.

Tonight is the first night toward forming a new sleep habit. I have decided on a bedtime and I will be tucked in between my striped sheets by that hour, full of hope that I will sleep through the night.

 

The Chordettes – Mr. Sandman

The Complicated Web That Is My Family

I wasn’t raised in a traditional nuclear family. My parents separated when I was very young. They each went on to have other relationships and marriages. Those relationships and marriages brought new families into my life and as an adult I still maintain connections to some of the people who became my aunties, uncles and cousins. The complicated part of all this is that when my parents moved on and cut ties from these people they expected me to do the same even though these people had become important figures in my life.

Now that I’m ill some of these aunties, uncles and cousins have stepped up to support me. They have made me meals to stock my freezer so I didn’t have to cook for weeks. They call to get progress updates about my condition. They come to visit and sit with me to just talk about nothing. They have shown up when I needed it and I didn’t have ask.

What makes this complicated is that these aunties, uncles and cousins are people who my mother cut out of her life. I have kept the support I’m receiving from them secret from my mother. Every time I speak to or see one of them I feel a bit guilty. Actually, it’s more accurate to say I feel conflicted. These people love me and I need all the love I can get right now, but I feel – I’ve always felt – that being with them betrays my mother.

I’ve been trying for what feels like forever to accept that these pieces of my life have to exist independent of each other. Right now maintaining separations and keeping secrets adds a layer of complication to my life that is exhausting when I need to focus my energy on bigger things. I’m aware that I’m making the choice that perpetuates this internal conflict but I feel like the alternative would be worse.

Why does family have to be so complicated?

 

Avril Lavigne – Complicated (Official Video)

I Wish I Could Vomit

Lately I’ve been feeling that if I could vomit I would be able to purge my body of my illness and pain.

The funny thing is that vomiting freaks me out. It always has. The thought of having the contents of my stomach pushed out of me with immeasurable force until there is nothing left but air makes me queasy. It has always embarrassed me to lose control of my body in that way. So my body contorting as I heave and retch uncontrollably has never been undesirable.

Now I crave those sensations. I want to expel the toxic combination of chemicals I’m feeding my body to fight the pain. I want to spew the pain so it can be flushed away from me. And I want to banish the bitter bile that is building in every cell of my body as my illness and pain mock the conventions of medicine and refuse to be purged.

Mostly, I long for the fresh sensation I have felt after washing the film of expelled matter from my mouth. I want my body to feel the relief of release. I want to feel cleansed.

But my body will not cooperate. The pain and illness continue to dig in – literally. And the nausea in my stomach remains, but I cannot vomit.

 

Stevie Wonder – Lately