Tag Archives for Mindfulness

Adrift

Sometimes I feel as if I’m floating through my life without any control or a meaningful destination or goal. I haven’t always felt this way, of course, but because I am housebound most days and time passes in the blink of an eye and I can’t point to what I’ve accomplished in recent months – years actually – it’s hard not to feel adrift. It’s difficult not to feel rudderless and without direction, as I pass from one painful hour to the next. Even when I do things to feel busy, to occupy all the passing hours, it’s hard not to compare this current life to the life I knew before; and, I wonder when I’ll stop the comparison and just accept things as they are and just be.

I know from experience floating in blue-green waters of oceans and seas, that there is nothing wrong with spending time, days even, letting my body float and drift. However, those days were numbered, planned, and chosen specifically for me to do nothing else. Those were days that I earned and payed for with hours upon hours of work. They were handfuls of isolated days within a year or more. When I could leave behind the demands on my time as I disconnected from the world and plunged into the peaceful sound of warm waves kissing beaches of powdery sand or sometimes pebbly shores of stones worn smooth by the never-ceasing waves.

It feels different, doing nothing now. As if, I have not earned this time. This time my body didn’t plan or ask for. This time that blurs one day into the next. Now, as I float over different waves, waves that are not peaceful, warm, or calm. Waves that batter my body, instead of keeping me buoyed under cloudless bright skies. I feel as though I need to do something every day to earn this time; and each day that passes without me producing or completing something makes me feel indebted to some thing in the universe that I can’t see, but I can feel hovering over me. A thing waiting for payment as my pain-filled body is carried farther adrift.

I know these feelings aren’t truthful. I know these thoughts surface because I still haven’t, after all this time, fully come to terms with the reality that doing nothing most days is okay because it’s all I can do. I know that if a friend or family member was living through this illness and having these thoughts and feelings, I would tell them they were being too hard on themselves. Yet, when the challenge is our own, it’s hard to show ourselves the same compassion we would extend to another. It’s easy to know the truth but it’s harder to accept it and live accordingly.

It amazes me how difficult it is to feel comfortable doing nothing, especially when we know it’s the best thing for our bodies. I don’t know when I will accept it. When I will truly believe there is nothing wrong with doing nothing because my body needs rest or it is racked with too much pain. However, in the meantime, I feel that imagining the sensation of my body floating on waves, free and weightless, may not be a bad image to hold on to when I think of myself adrift and without direction.

Adrift - Sand Swirl - November 2016

Can I Draw In 30 Days?

I’ve chosen the first book I’ll be using as a course to teach myself more about how to draw. I have others, but this seems like the one with the most straightforward instructions. It’s called ‘You Can Draw in 30 Days’ and the author, Mark Kistler, believes “Even if you have little or no previous drawing experience, and even if you don’t believe you have natural talent, if you can find a few pencils and twenty minutes a day for thirty days, you can learn to draw amazing pictures. Yes, you have found the right teacher. And yes, you have found the right book.”

You Can Draw In 30 Days - Mark Kistler

Instead of what I’ve been doing for the last 18 months or so (mindful doodling and jumping between random lessons from books and videos), I’m putting my faith in Mr. Kistler’s enthusiastically confident statement and taking the plunge to teach myself more about drawing. Why? Because I want to develop the talent to draw the things I see around me, and the things I imagine when I’m reading or writing. I feel like there are waves of creative energy building up inside me because the primary form of expression I use is language/writing and I know there are things I could better describe visually if only I hone the skill.

I opened a new sketchbook and sharpened a pencil. Before starting the first lesson, I read the introduction, which isn’t something I always do when reading, but I don’t want to miss any tips on how to use this book. The first lesson in the book is ‘The Sphere’. I know how to draw a sphere, but the simple breakdown of how and why in this book – direction of light source, cast shadow, shading – helped me feel confident and I probably drew the best sphere I’ve ever drawn because I understood why I was drawing each line. Then, within 20 minutes, I drew an apple that actually looks like an apple – at least it does to me.

Who would have thunk it? Maybe I can draw – easily recognizable things – in 30 days…

Draw In 30 Days - Lesson 1

 

Gratitude and Creativity: We Evolve

Even before the arrival of my illness, sleep was a difficult thing for me. Insomnia and I are old friends, but having to cope with it while dealing with high levels of pain is not an easy thing. When I was working, I used to take advantage of the times I couldn’t sleep by catching up on or completing work tasks early. In some ways it seemed like a blessing to be so productive, but of course there were the drawbacks of struggling to get out of bed many mornings and having to caffeinate myself to get my brain started and to stay alert sometimes later in the day.

When I can’t sleep now, I don’t feel productive, I feel restless, which makes my mind bounce all over the place during the longest stretches of the night. Sometimes I watch TV shows or movies to make the time pass more quickly. Other times I spend hours online poring over pages of articles, news, videos, and interesting writing others post here. Thankfully, many of the things people post here positively occupy my thoughts and lead to me being creative, which feels so much better than being productive.

In the dark, early hours of Thursday morning, a poem I found on Dave Kavanagh’s site, which he titled ‘Dark Eyed Woman’ sparked some creativity to help me pass the time. I was fortunate to engage with him through the comment section of his site and part of our exchange calmed the restlessness of my thoughts enough for me to write some poetry. In this respect – my creativity being sparked so I can write – I still see insomnia as a blessing sometimes. However, I know that sleep is the bigger blessing I need so I can better manage my illness.

We Evolve