This all feels so morbid. I just finished assigning my Power of Attorney and writing a letter that details my final wishes. I haven’t done these things because I don’t expect to survive my upcoming surgery – to be clear, I expect nothing less. I’ve done them because I can no longer escape the reality of my mortality. Even though I knew the time would arrive when I would need to do them, I didn’t think it would be so soon. Not having children has granted me the freedom to not look too closely at the “what ifs” and “what coulds” of the future near or far, until now.

My friend J will be one of two people who can make decisions about what can or cannot happen if things don’t go well on Tuesday. It’s a lot of responsibility, I know, but I trust her with my life and I trust that she will follow my wishes without hesitation. We talked about everything in detail yesterday. Until yesterday, she had a general understanding of how I want things handled, but now there are no questions. I will have to have the same conversation with the other person tomorrow or Monday.

I can’t fully articulate all of what I’m feeling right now. However, putting things in writing released a bit of the pressure and stress I’ve been feeling the past few weeks. Maybe this will help me sleep better tonight.

Queen – Under Pressure