Tag Archives for Relationships

Gratitude and Creativity: Truth and Thought

It absolutely sucks when you think you’re having a good day and then out of nowhere you start to cry. Since becoming ill, that happens to me more often than I like to admit. Yesterday was one of those days. I was happily moving through my day when the tears started coming. I’m not sure what triggered them, but if I had to guess, I would say it was my pain. When I woke up yesterday I was feeling what I consider good from a pain perspective, but as the day continued, my pain got worse. Usually that wouldn’t make me cry, but yesterday it felt like there was no one I could tell about my feelings. That caused me to feel overwhelming sadness.

Even though my friends and family are always checking in with me to see how I’m doing, I don’t always feel I can tell them about the extent of my moods – or my pain. I tend to save most of the low feelings and troubling thoughts for my therapist, because I sometimes think that it’s easier not to have everyone worried about me all the time. As much as I appreciate it, I don’t find it comforting to have people constantly concerned about me. I don’t like answering the same questions repeatedly and feeling the need to reassure everyone that I’m doing just fine, especially when I’m not. The moment I tell someone about a bad day, whether my pain or my mood is the cause, they go into “what can I do to make it better” mode; when there is nothing they can do to make it better.

A prime example is me bursting into tears and not being able to explain why. If I told anyone about that, the worry would be immediate and I would feel bad about being the reason for that worry. The interesting thing is I know that if things were reversed, I would try to do whatever I could to make things better for someone I cared for.

Thankfully, I was able to express what I was feeling in poetry because of a timely silent share post, from my friend Bert, that I read yesterday morning.

 

Truth and Thought

 

It’s Not About Me Today

Today one of my dearest friends is having surgery. She told me not to worry, but of course, I’m worried. She’s one of the people who have supported me through my illness since the beginning. She has come with me to doctors’ appointments – I’ve lost count of how many; she has taken me to and been there when I’ve woken up after many of the procedures and surgery I’ve undergone; and she has opened her home to me and cared for me.

We became friends many years before my illness, and the decades that separate our ages have become irrelevant. She is one of the few women in my life that I trust wholly to guide and advise me because she has lived an incredible life in which she has accomplished incredible things, I respect her tremendously, but above all, she is always honest – even when it might hurt. We have shared hours upon hours of laughter – the kind where you almost pee your pants – and she has opened my eyes to many truths about life. With just a few words, she gives me strength to face difficult situations, and her unassuming nature always puts me at ease. Truth be told, she is important to me in ways that my mother should be.

I can’t be there for her physically, so today my heart and mind are with Z and I am sending her positive energy to support her through, what she says is nothing to worry about.

 

Coldplay – Yellow

Celebrating Old Friendships

Today is my friend F’s 50th birthday, or as she has decided to name it her ‘Second 40th’. Whichever one it is, I’m happy that I’ve known her for many of those years. The testament to our friendship is that even when we haven’t been in touch for ages as soon as we make contact we still feel connected and are able to pick up where we left off as if we’d only seen each other days before. We have a comfort with each other that we know isn’t easy to find, but we also understand exists because we value each other and know that maintaining good friendships takes work.

When F learned about my illness, she was devastated. She immediately wanted to know what she could do to help me. Then she rethought her question and said she shouldn’t be asking she should just be showing up at my home to do what I might need done. She said that as my friend that’s what anyone should do. Thankfully, I have others in my life that believe the same thing she does.

This summer F lost her mother. She was a lovely woman. She often invited me to their home for dinner where she regaled us with tales of her youth, gave us sage advice, and served wonderful pies. I wasn’t able to attend the funeral, but I was able to console F in conversation. We both cried for the loss of her mother, and were able to find comfort in shared memories. During that conversation, even under such sad circumstances, we were happy, to be together because of our friendship.

I’m one of a handful of people invited to celebrate F’s ‘Second 40th’ this coming Saturday. I’ve been resting this week with the hope that my pain will be manageable enough so I’ll at least be able to show up to the restaurant to give her a hug. If I can’t make it, I know she’ll understand. I feel blessed that F is my friend and I am happy to be part of this celebration of her life.

 

TLC – What About Your Friends