After locking the door behind me when I came home today, I started crying uncontrollably. I used every ounce of emotional and physical energy while I was at my doctor’s appointment and then when I went to pick up my medications from the pharmacy to hold myself together, but there is so much grief and pain building up inside me that I needed to let some out. The past few weeks are coloured with disappointment and uncertainty about whether I’m ever going to get better and those feelings are adding to the size of my ball of grief.

Crying helped to release a small piece of my grief, but I still feel what remains sitting heavily in my body. A glance in the mirror revealed how much the saltiness of my tears irritated my eyes as I looked into the red puffiness that stared back at me. My nose and cheeks reddened with a bright tint from the pressure that built up in my head from the rapid rush of blood. There is congestion in my nose because the overflow of tears that couldn’t escape through my tear ducts had to go somewhere, and my lips still trembled even though my sobbing stopped. My body is numb now because my tears carried so much of my unwelcome emotions away with them.

Sadly, I can’t think of what else I can do to cope with what I was told and the grief it is causing except to cry.

Big Girls Don’t Cry – Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons