Tag Archives for therapy

The Right To Take Up Space

I believe some people undervalue the benefits of therapy. Because of therapy, I can admit that I’m lying: to everyone in my life and to myself. Whenever anyone asks how I’m doing, I say I’m fine. Of course, that’s not true, but it’s easier than telling everyone who asks how much pain I constantly feel. It’s easier than having a conversation that’s all about my pain and me. The question is, is that what’s best for me. Is that what’s best for the health and longevity of my relationships? Is that what’s best for anyone living with chronic pain or a chronic illness?

I had a virtual therapy session earlier this week, and as I was talking through my feelings – and fears – with my therapist, the truth of what I do, repeatedly, struck me. I lie to everyone because I don’t want to take up too much space. To limit the amount of time spent talking about my pain I put a smile on my face and brighten my voice regardless of how terrible I feel. Leaving people to marvel at how healthy I sound and look. I hide my pain when I don’t say no to people in my life who ask me to go places and do things I know my body can’t cope with, or will take days to recuperate from. I do whatever I can to appear “normal” so I can avoid talking about my pain in any circumstance that isn’t clinical.

The thing is, I have the right to take up space. Before this illness came into my life, I wasn’t an extrovert but I lived my life more openly with the people who are close to me. I talked more about myself, and the ups and downs in my daily activities. Now, I feel as though I need to keep those ups and downs to myself. I feel the need to hide what I’m feeling and thinking about – a life with chronic pain – from everyone, so they don’t worry; I don’t have to answer questions; and I don’t take up too much space.

While talking to my therapist, it stunned me to realize that I feel this way about myself. I don’t know for sure that this feeling wasn’t alive in me somewhere all along, but I know that it’s not true or right to feel this way now. No illness should prevent any person, including me, from actively occupying her or his space in this world. I don’t know how I’m going to silence this feeling or reclaim and refill my space, but I believe recognizing that I feel this way because of my pain can only help me get better, and stop me from feeling so small.

 

OneRepublic – Feel Again

Virtual Therapy Sessions

I’ve been very fortunate, as I’ve been dealing with my illness to have the support of a good mental health team. On days when the pain has made it difficult for me to get out and make it to my appointments with my therapist we’ve had my sessions by phone. In the meantime, he was working to get approval for us to have my sessions on a secure video conference service. We had a test run last week but we ran into some technical issues so things didn’t go very smoothly. I was disconnected a few times and when I did connect, his voice kept being garbled. Because of the technical difficulties, we had to resort to the phone for what ended up being a very short session.

My therapist got technical support at the clinic involved to work out the kinks. I had a call around lunchtime today with the program support contact. She walked me through some troubleshooting steps and we figured out the issues. The video conference service requires a double log-in or two-factor authentication for the log in to be secure. I wasn’t aware of that, so when I kept seeing the same pop-up window open on the screen, I thought it was an error. When I closed the second window it forced the program to start over, which appeared as if I was being repeatedly kicked out. The second issue with the garbled voice was easily solved. She said that because I use a laptop my speakers don’t carry the sound of the video conference application well. She asked me to try using my phone earbuds or headphones if I had them. My earbuds worked perfectly.

With all the technical issues solved, I logged in to my therapy session later in the afternoon. I was able to see and hear my therapist clearly. We had an hour-long session without any technical glitches at all. The most important piece of the session is that my therapist was able to see me, which meant he was able to gauge my reactions to the issues we discussed. That’s important in my sessions because my therapy is based in mindfulness practices. The live video stream gave my therapist the opportunity to see me so he could help me process what I was feeling in my body more slowly as we worked through the session. The quality of this virtual video session was much better than just a phone call. We scheduled my next therapy session for a few weeks from now. It’s scheduled as if I’m going to go into his office, but if my pain is too great, we will use the video conference service instead.

I’m so appreciative of the efforts my therapist has made to accommodate me during my illness. Having mental health support has kept me afloat at times when I didn’t know if I could cope with my pain and the mystery of its origins. I continue to have the support now and my therapist is helping to find additional resources to help me cope with the disappointment that my pain is still present after surgery and possible alternative therapies to help me heal (e.g. iRest, chronic pain groups). I can’t imagine what I would do without this support and these resources, and I can’t imagine how anyone who doesn’t have access to mental health services is getting through a life with chronic pain or a chronic illness.

 

Jamiroquai – Virtual Insanity