Tag Archives for thoughts

First Blogiversary Reflections and Gratitude

When I started this blog a year ago, it was because I didn’t feel I was being heard in real life; especially by the doctors trying to figure out the cause of my illness. Filling the pages of a journal felt flat and empty. Although I was purging my emotions and thoughts in writing, it didn’t fulfill the need I had to be heard. I needed a place to speak uncensored and honestly about everything that had happened and what continues to happen to me because of my illness without worrying about judgement from friends and family. I created this space with the hope that someone would read my words and truly hear what I have to say, and maybe even learn from my experiences. I had no idea that this blog would lead to so many incredible things.

Writing here became a complement to my therapy sessions. I’m fortunate to have a great mental health support team while I make my way through the difficulties imposed on my life by illness and its unavoidable isolation. The talk therapy sessions with my therapist, which are mostly virtual now, help me to get out of my head and see what’s happening to me through the compassionate eyes of another person for a few hours each month. My therapist also helps me find positive ways to cope with my unending pain and overwhelming low, blue periods. However, writing here gives me an immediate outlet to articulate my thoughts and feelings. I’m connected to people who sympathize and want to extend their support, and people who truly empathize because they have lived through or are living with physical or emotional pain similar to mine.

Because of this blog, the support system I have now extends beyond my family and friends. The community I connect to stretches around the globe. It amazes me that each time I write here my words are reaching people in parts of the world to which I’ve never traveled. I have the opportunity to share my life experiences and be inspired by the lives of so many others living with chronic illnesses. Even though it might expose their vulnerabilities, people who connect to this space share their knowledge about living with chronic pain, medications, medical treatments, and self-advocacy in a world where doctors don’t always give the lived experiences of patients enough credit. This community makes me feel less alone and isolated, and I hope I do the same for some of them.

Others have helped to reawaken my creativity when the frustration I felt because of the haze of pain medications was at its height. I found muses here that brought poetry writing back to me with questions they ask in their lives about trust, truth, and change – among other things. I even found beautiful music that helps in moments when I need to calm my mind and body, and feel grounded so I can create my own art in the art/gratitude journal I never would have started without this blog. There are so many creative thoughts, images, and ideas exchanged in this community that it’s possible to learn something new every day.

Looking back at this year of writing, I can see how I managed to hold myself together. More importantly, I can read about the help and support I received here and in real life, and I’m grateful for all of it.

 

Elvis Costello & The Attractions – Every Day I Write The Book

This Big Girl Cries When She Hurts

After locking the door behind me when I came home today, I started crying uncontrollably. I used every ounce of emotional and physical energy while I was at my doctor’s appointment and then when I went to pick up my medications from the pharmacy to hold myself together, but there is so much grief and pain building up inside me that I needed to let some out. The past few weeks are coloured with disappointment and uncertainty about whether I’m ever going to get better and those feelings are adding to the size of my ball of grief.

Crying helped to release a small piece of my grief, but I still feel what remains sitting heavily in my body. A glance in the mirror revealed how much the saltiness of my tears irritated my eyes as I looked into the red puffiness that stared back at me. My nose and cheeks reddened with a bright tint from the pressure that built up in my head from the rapid rush of blood. There is congestion in my nose because the overflow of tears that couldn’t escape through my tear ducts had to go somewhere, and my lips still trembled even though my sobbing stopped. My body is numb now because my tears carried so much of my unwelcome emotions away with them.

Sadly, I can’t think of what else I can do to cope with what I was told and the grief it is causing except to cry.

 

Big Girls Don’t Cry – Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons

Concealing The Shadows Of Illness and Pain

I’ve never been big on wearing makeup. I was a tomboy growing up so enhancing my looks – as most teen-aged girls did – wasn’t something I had a lot of interest in until I was in my twenties, and started to care about my appearance and my appeal to the opposite sex. Even when I started to invest more time in my appearance, I didn’t wear a lot of makeup. I wore the bare minimum because I didn’t like the look or feel of too much product on my skin. I covered up blemishes with a bit of foundation, applied a small amount of eye-makeup – usually without mascara to avoid racoon eyes – and a pale shade of lipstick or coloured lip balm. It usually took less than 10 minutes to “put on my face” before I went out, which I felt was more than enough time for me to preen in front of the mirror each day.

On weekends or days when I didn’t work, I didn’t feel the need to wear makeup. I didn’t bother to put anything except moisturizer and lip balm on my face when I went out. It always felt like too much work to put so many products on my face if I didn’t have somewhere to go. Why spend so much time outlining my eyes if I was only going to the grocery store? Who would care if I didn’t’ perfectly pluck and pencil in my eyebrows? What difference would it make if the apples of my cheeks didn’t’ have the rosiest shade of an artificial blush? Not to mention how often I absentmindedly rubbed my eyes, chin, or forehead and smudged colours together or on my clothes.

Lately, because of my illness, my feelings about makeup are changing. The dark circles under my eyes from a lack of sleep, the washed-out colour of my skin from anemia and too little sunshine, and the breakouts caused by my medications make it obvious that I’m not well. I know how vain that sounds, but I don’t like looking sick all the time. The way I look is starting to affect my mood and because I can’t make myself better overnight, I decided to do the next best thing: invest in some makeup to camouflage the effects of my illness. After watching some videos online – and realizing that I know very little about makeup products or how to apply them – I decided to get some expert advice about what products I should use to look less sick.

This weekend I had an eye-opening experience that has changed my opinion about makeup forever. When I went to the drugstore to restock some toiletries and over-the-counter medications, I made a stop in the cosmetics department. I asked the sales associate what she would recommend to hide the dark circles that are ever-present under my eyes. She asked me how much coverage I wanted. I told her I want as much as I can get while still looking natural. She looked at me under the harsh fluorescent lights for a moment then went to grab a couple of tubes of product. One was a concealer the other was a BB cream. I’ve never used either product before.

Concealer

The sales associate tried the concealer first. She matched the shade as close to my skin colour as possible. She put a few small drops on a makeup sponge and dabbed it on the skin below my lower eyelids then blended it into my skin with a small makeup brush. A few minutes later, I was stunned when I looked at myself in the mirror. The dark circles under my eyes were barely visible. My friend R was with me and could hardly believe the transformation. I finally stopped looking in the mirror long enough for the sales associate to put the BB cream on the rest of my face. When she finished, my face looked flawless and healthier than it has for a long time. The sales associate described it as a “dewy” glow. I like the word dewy. It makes me think of fresh fruit.

I left the drug store looking and feeling brighter with the help of a couple of tubes of makeup. The improved colour of my skin – even if it came from a tube and washes off – was all that was necessary to convince me to buy something. I bought the concealer because on its own it made a huge difference. Reducing the appearance of the dark circles under my eyes took five minutes and it made me look healthier instantly. If I decide I want the complete “dewy” look, I can always pick up the BB cream later. Now I have to teach myself how to apply the concealer so I get the same results I paid for, which isn’t a big deal when I think about how great five minutes of effort can make me look.

 

Colbie Caillat – Try