Doing something with the best intentions doesn’t necessarily mean that what one does is welcomed or perceived as the right thing. Sometimes we get too close to a situation and believe that what we might do in our own best interest is also the right thing to do to resolve issues in another’s life. That doesn’t always work out to be true because some people don’t like feeling as if they are being told what to do or that they are being judged. Even when our intentions come from a compassionate and caring place, if the person on the receiving end cannot see that, nothing that we offer them will be welcome. I’ve come to this realization the hard way.

A recent event that was both emotionally painful and shocking, reminded me that when someone perceives things as negative there is rarely anything that can be done to shift that perception. I reached a disappointing impasse in a relationship where I wrongly believed progress had been made and the work of trying to understand each other had been fruitful. However, as it turns out, my hopefulness blinded me and it clouded the truth: All the work being done to understand was one-sided – on my side alone. In any relationship, positive progress cannot be made unless all parties involved are willing to try. Each party must be willing to look within themselves and face even the least desirable parts of who they are for a chance to become fully accountable for themselves and to the people who care for them.

Without this introspection, we doom ourselves to repeat the same mistakes and bring pain to others, and ourselves. Because when we don’t know what lies within us, even if we don’t intend to, we put the worst parts of ourselves out into the world. When anger and hatred fill us, we put anger and hatred into the world. That anger and hatred will pollute everything with which they come into contact. The people in our lives, whether that includes family, friends, or coworkers, won’t tolerate it forever. Those who do maintain the relationship may do so out of fear or a warped sense of obligation and they will avoid shedding light on the truth to prevent explosive confrontations.

When we accept this we rob the angry, hate filled individual of the opportunity to grow or make positive changes in their lives. The biggest of those changes being taking responsibility for themselves and their actions and no longer blaming others or external factors when things don’t work out in life as they desire them to. Sadly, the longer this behaviour continues without challenge and people avoid calling out the truth, the bigger the problem grows: until it reaches a point, where all interactions with that angry, hate filled person – even the briefest ones – are fraught with anxiety or fear.

At this point in my life, excess anxiety and anger are not conducive to me maintaining any degree of good health. Erratic emotions and outright anger cause me to experience pain flare-ups, so I try my best to keep things on an even keel as much as humanly possible. Being around people who have anger issues won’t and can’t help me keep balanced. Therefore, until they acknowledge and attempt to do the work necessary to identify what triggers their anger and how to manage it – which I’m aware, may never happen – I need to take a giant step back.

Saying this doesn’t mean I believe I’m perfect. I need to continue my introspective work, so I can hold myself accountable for my sh!t in the most truthful way. I need to step back and keep building on my safe and happy place, so I don’t pave my own road to hell with my best intentions towards others.

Zendoodle Hills – Ink – December 2018