Author Archives for My Small Surrenders

The Complicated Web That Is My Family

I wasn’t raised in a traditional nuclear family. My parents separated when I was very young. They each went on to have other relationships and marriages. Those relationships and marriages brought new families into my life and as an adult I still maintain connections to some of the people who became my aunties, uncles and cousins. The complicated part of all this is that when my parents moved on and cut ties from these people they expected me to do the same even though these people had become important figures in my life.

Now that I’m ill some of these aunties, uncles and cousins have stepped up to support me. They have made me meals to stock my freezer so I didn’t have to cook for weeks. They call to get progress updates about my condition. They come to visit and sit with me to just talk about nothing. They have shown up when I needed it and I didn’t have ask.

What makes this complicated is that these aunties, uncles and cousins are people who my mother cut out of her life. I have kept the support I’m receiving from them secret from my mother. Every time I speak to or see one of them I feel a bit guilty. Actually, it’s more accurate to say I feel conflicted. These people love me and I need all the love I can get right now, but I feel – I’ve always felt – that being with them betrays my mother.

I’ve been trying for what feels like forever to accept that these pieces of my life have to exist independent of each other. Right now maintaining separations and keeping secrets adds a layer of complication to my life that is exhausting when I need to focus my energy on bigger things. I’m aware that I’m making the choice that perpetuates this internal conflict but I feel like the alternative would be worse.

Why does family have to be so complicated?

 

Avril Lavigne – Complicated (Official Video)

I Wish I Could Vomit

Lately I’ve been feeling that if I could vomit I would be able to purge my body of my illness and pain.

The funny thing is that vomiting freaks me out. It always has. The thought of having the contents of my stomach pushed out of me with immeasurable force until there is nothing left but air makes me queasy. It has always embarrassed me to lose control of my body in that way. So my body contorting as I heave and retch uncontrollably has never been undesirable.

Now I crave those sensations. I want to expel the toxic combination of chemicals I’m feeding my body to fight the pain. I want to spew the pain so it can be flushed away from me. And I want to banish the bitter bile that is building in every cell of my body as my illness and pain mock the conventions of medicine and refuse to be purged.

Mostly, I long for the fresh sensation I have felt after washing the film of expelled matter from my mouth. I want my body to feel the relief of release. I want to feel cleansed.

But my body will not cooperate. The pain and illness continue to dig in – literally. And the nausea in my stomach remains, but I cannot vomit.

 

Stevie Wonder – Lately

Second Opinion Surgeon

My Reluctant Surgeon continues to do things to gain my trust and confidence.

She has come through – a lot faster than I expected – with an appointment for me to be assessed by a more senior surgeon for a second opinion. I received a call from her office with a date to see the Second Opinion Surgeon in the next four weeks. My Reluctant Surgeon is sending me to him because she has significant concerns that the surgery I need might harm me more than it will help me.

I have a rare congenital condition that is detected by a single symptom: debilitating pain. It can only be treated by one thing: invasive abdominal surgery. My diagnosis was confirmed when my condition was very advanced and I had already been categorized as a chronic pain patient. The advanced stage and chronic pain are what make my Reluctant Surgeon so reluctant. She does not believe the surgery will eliminate my pain. At this point she and the pain specialists believe I have nerve damage, which may cause me to have greater pain after the surgery. And to top it off, I have a complicated form of this rare congenital condition. This exponentially increases the odds of me developing every known post-operative complication associated with abdominal surgery, and my Reluctant Surgeon is concerned that there may be unknowns that fall outside the scope of her experience.

So it will be up to the Second Opinion Surgeon to decide if I should have the invasive abdominal surgery. His additional years of experience are being counted on to find a surgical path to successfully remove the encroaching mass – that suddenly disrupted my life 18 months ago – without further harming my body. And, I’m hoping, those same skills will lessen my pain.

But I have to try not to get ahead of myself the way I did with my Reluctant Surgeon. Before my first appointment with her I had convinced myself that my condition was temporary – even with the knowledge of the known risks of the abdominal surgery. I was devastated when she told me surgery might not be an option for me and I might continue to be in pain for the rest of my life. Going into this appointment with the Second Opinion Surgeon, I want to be grounded in the reality that I could hear the same opinions. Although, a big part of me is preparing for the possibility that I will have to take a huge leap of faith toward and hope for the best.

 

George Michael – Faith (US Version)