I didn’t sleep well last night – partly because I fell asleep in my living room sitting upright in a chair then couldn’t find the energy to get up to walk to my bedroom to get into bed. When I finally woke myself up this morning I went straight to bed. I slept on and off until about 3:00 PM when it was time to take my afternoon meds and I felt annoyed with myself for being in bed all day.
Days like this really frustrate me. I know I sleep because my body needs it, but it still upsets me when I lose an entire day. Staying awake is a struggle some days but the more I struggle against sleep the more I hurt. To add to my frustration, while trying to get comfortable in bed today I discovered another range of motion I have to avoid repeating.
Because I’ve been asleep most of the day I haven’t eaten, but the thought of going to the kitchen to make something to eat is exhausting.
When I became ill I was not in a relationship. Now I can’t see how it will ever be possible to start a relationship.
I’m in pain every minute of every day. That’s not exactly conducive to fulfilling my carnal or emotional needs or responding to those of another person. But to get those needs fulfilled I’d first have to have desires. I have none. I don’t think about being with anyone. Not kissing. Not touching. Not having sex.
I spend my days trying to focus on doing the most basic activities – showering, dressing, taking medication, eating, sleeping – so thoughts of intimacy rarely make it to the front of my mind. If they do, they are in the form of longings about what used to be; with a resigned acceptance that I may never experience the comforts and pleasures of a relationship again.
My friends try to reassure me that my illness doesn’t have to rob me of a full life that includes being close to and sharing my life with someone else. I’ve also been told that I need to expand my definition of what sex is to include more than intercourse. But the issue isn’t just the act of sex. I’m in so much pain all the time I can’t imagine someone touching me or getting close to me with physical intimacy being the goal. Besides, I’m taking so much pain medication I don’t know if I could think clearly long enough to get to know someone sufficiently to decide if I would want to be in a relationship with them.
So what do I do? How do I pursue intimacy knowing that I might not be able to make my body follow the will of my mind? And worse still, what happens if the pain never gives me a break so I can think, talk, and act on behalf of my desires when they show up?
There is currently a voluntary recall of the pain medication I have grown to rely on – Toradol (ketorolac tromethamine) – when I go to the emergency room to get a bit of relief when I can no longer bear a pain flare up. Toradol only helps me when I get it by IV or direct injection combined with an opiate pain medication. And for me ‘help’ means it gets my pain back to what I now characterize as ‘normal’ levels, or on a general pain measurement scale down to about a four.
If you have never heard of it before, Toradol is a nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug (NSAID). It is used for the short-term treatment of moderate to severe pain. It works by reducing the production of hormones that cause inflammation. This helps to decrease swelling, pain, or fever. Unfortunately for me, the pill form does very little to reduce my pain but causes me significant stomach irritation so a trip to the emergency room to get an IV drip of Toradol has become my proxy happy place.
If you rely on Toradol injection for pain relief I hope this recall does not affect you. That being said, here’s the press release that was posted by the FDA
Hospira, Inc., (NYSE: HSP) has announced a voluntary recall of ketorolac tromethamine injection, USP in the United States and Singapore due to potential particulate. The presence of particulate has been confirmed through a customer report of visible, floating particulate identified in glass fliptop vials. The particulate was identified as calcium-ketorolac crystals. Multiple lots are impacted by this recall; refer to the addendum for product list and lot information.
…lots were distributed from February 2013 to December 2014 in the United States and from January 2014 to July 2014 in Singapore. Hospira has not received reports of any adverse events associated with this issue for these lots to date. Hospira has initiated an investigation to determine the root cause and corrective and preventive actions.
Anyone with an existing inventory of the recalled lots should stop use and distribution, and quarantine the product immediately. This recall is being carried out to the medical facility/retail level. Customers who have further distributed the recalled product should notify any accounts or additional locations which may have received the recalled product and instruct them if they have redistributed the product to notify their accounts, locations or facilities to the medical facility/retail level. Hospira has notified its direct customers via a recall letter and is arranging for impacted product to be returned to Stericycle in the United States. For additional assistance, call Stericycle at 1-888-345-4680 between the hours of 8am to 5pm ET, Monday through Friday. Customers outside the United States should work with their local Hospira offices to return the product per the local recall notification
My Small Surrenders 