Author Archives for My Small Surrenders

Gratitude and Creativity: Labyrinth

I did something yesterday that made me smile and made me proud of myself. I drew a labyrinth. So what you may be thinking. And maybe it does deserve a “so what”, but it’s what I learned from it that’s important.

I think it was two or three days ago that I stumbled upon a document with instructions for how to draw a labyrinth. I was happy to find it because some time before that I found a Zentangle challenge that required drawing a labyrinth and I had no clue about how to do it. So I gave up on the challenge. Then I found the instructions.

How to Draw a Labyrinth

How to Draw a Labyrinth

The instructions looked straightforward so I decided to follow them. About ten minutes later, when I hadn’t successfully drawn a labyrinth, I was extremely frustrated and ready to quit. But being naturally stubborn I kept trying. I lost track of how much time it took me to finish drawing the lines that finally resembled the tidy example on the instruction page. However, I wasn’t satisfied with mine so I put it aside instead of completing the challenge, which is to fill the labyrinth with Zentangle patterns.

Yesterday after writing in my gratitude/art journal I went back to the page of my imperfect labyrinth to fill it in with Zentangle patterns. The first thing to do was set the pencil sketch in ink with my black Sharpie pen. I looked at my wobbly-lined labyrinth and decided that I needed to straighten the lines so I grabbed my ruler and found circular items (a small juice glass, a teacup, and a small bowl) that I could trace to draw the rounded edges. The center starting points I had drawn were skewed so I used my ruler as a guide and drew nice, neat, straight lines along its edge. But then, even with the pencil sketch on the page, I felt the same confusion I had a few days before when I tried to connect the curved lines to create the labyrinth’s path. My mind couldn’t – or wouldn’t – visualize the right direction(s) to draw. Thanks a lot brain fog.

I stopped. I took a few deep breaths. Then I really looked at the page and the lines. I finally was able to see where to make the connections to draw the lines. I didn’t need the ruler. I didn’t need to trace anything. I drew the labyrinth within minutes. The best part about it was that it wasn’t perfect. For a few moments I was able to let go of my need to make something perfect. I was smiling. Then I was laughing. I understood the point of the exercise.

Gratitude & Creativity - Labyrinth

Gratitude & Creativity – Labyrinth

It was about letting go and freeing my mind of anything but drawing those lines. I was able to let go for a brief time and it felt good. I didn’t move forward with filling in the Zentangle patterns. I didn’t feel the need to and I just wanted to hold on to sensations that I so rarely feel since my illness arrived: contentment, satisfaction, pride, and pure joy.

 

U2 – Beautiful Day

My Friend’s Prayers and Compassion

In the wake of a physically and emotionally painful week I received prayers and compassion today.

Today a long-time friend that I met in my first months of university decades ago called to see how I’m doing. Throughout our friendship we have had healthy debates about the existence of God and the meaning of faith. He has worked particularly hard to influence my beliefs and tries to have me see the world, if even just for a moment, through the lens of a believer in Christ, but I can’t. That ship sailed for me when I was about fifteen and my family and church minister failed to show me how God and Christ could fit into my personal belief system as I grew and started to question the world and my place in it.

As we continue to be part of each other’s lives we are more open to respectfully listening to the other’s point of view, but we know that neither of us will change our beliefs anytime soon. I may not understand it, but I do respect his unyielding faith in God no matter what happens in his life. I still don’t think living your life with the belief that everything is guided – if not already decided – by an omnipotent, omnipresent being is a sound approach, but it works for him. Over the years I’ve explored many religions in search of the same peace that he has. I haven’t had much luck. The only things that come close are practicing mindfulness and meditation, but my practice has little to no discipline.

When my friend called today and I shared the news of the week with him he was very upset for me. His confidence in my reluctant surgeon has plummeted and he believes I should try to get my case transferred to the second opinion surgeon. He can’t see how doing nothing and leaving me to live with this pain and even the slightest chance of developing cancer is the right thing to do. Furthermore, he doesn’t understand how my reluctant surgeon can so easily discard the opinion of the second opinion surgeon that I need to have surgery, or his strategy for the setup of a surgical team ahead of the surgery to cover any issues that could arise; not to mention the surgical pain management plans developed by the pain clinic to diminish the risks of greater pain after surgery. Especially when she doesn’t seem to have a solid plan of her own.

So my friend did the one thing he does understand. He prayed for me. He prayed that I can continue to endure my illness and the pain. He prayed that my doctors will soon find a way to restore my health and end my suffering. He prayed for God and Christ to watch over and protect me. And I was grateful for his prayers. Having him pray for me comforted and calmed me.

I may not share his beliefs but he loves me so much he prays for me often and asks God to grace me with his protection and compassion. I love him for that. And I must have faith and believe that when someone loves you enough to pray for you the goodness of that energy must have a positive effect in your life.

 

Duran Duran – Save A Prayer

Why Am I Being Punished?

I’ve been crying on and off since my appointment with my reluctant surgeon a couple days ago.

My friend J went with me to the appointment – she usually does to make sure I ask and get answers to all my questions – and even though she had to go back to work, she was kind enough to sit with me for a while afterward to help me process what had happened over a cup of coffee. She was as confused as I still am, and she was sympathetic because she has gone through this with me since the beginning. I’m not sure how I would be coping with all of this without her support. She called later in the day to see how I was doing. She shared some of her thoughts with me and helped me solidify my plan for moving forward.

J isn’t the only person I’ve spoken with since my appointment. Whenever I have an appointment there is a list of people who, if they can’t go with me, I have to talk with about what happened. Everyone was as confused as J and I were. The responses ranged from angered disbelief to calm measured instruction about what I should do next. And the consensus was – as it has been for some time – that the response to my illness has been poor and that my reluctant surgeon may not be the right surgeon for me.

In between these conversations I cried. I’ve been so overwhelmed and distraught that I asked myself an irrational question that pops up when I lose sight of hope: WHY AM I BEING PUNISHED? I know I’ve done nothing to deserve this illness. But at times like this I can’t keep from shouting out to whoever or whatever might be listening out in the universe and asking what I did wrong and how I can fix it. Sadly, no answer ever comes.

No answer ever comes about why there has been so little movement toward making me better and it scares me. It scares me to think that none of the doctors I have seen have enough interest in working to get me better. No answers ever come about whether my reluctant surgeon is right that if I have the surgery it will cause me more harm than good and I will never be pain-free and it scares me. It scares me to think that she is not considering the pain I have now and how it has increased significantly in two years, and how much more it might increase if she does nothing. No answers ever come about why I keep encountering doctors who are so single-minded and unwilling to hear me when I tell them what is happening in my body. It scares me because if I’m in such close proximity to my doctors and they don’t listen to me then why in the world would the universe.

If the universe is listening maybe that’s why I received a call this afternoon from the office of the gynecologist who figured out I was misdiagnosed. He is also the one who has managed my referrals to other doctors and clinics for treatments. His staff heard my distress and squeezed me into a spot to see him next week. My hope is that he will listen to me and help me figure out the next step in untangling the painful mess that is my life.

 

The Beatles – Across the Universe