Tag Archives for chronic illness

Thoughts Often Become Reality

I try to be careful about the things I think. Mostly because I do believe in self-fulfilling prophecies, which an article in Psychology Today explains simply as “a belief that comes true because we are acting as if it is already true.” According to the article, “Our expectation that we will see a particular outcome changes our behavior, which shapes the way others see us. In turn, others provide the feedback we’ve set ourselves up to get, which serves to reinforce the original belief.” The idea that the way a person sees himself or herself affects his or her behaviour and how others perceive them and in turn respond to them is something I’ve witnessed my entire life. It’s also something I’ve experienced, which has influenced the way I conduct myself when interacting with others and the image of myself I project for people around me to see.

How the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy Works - Courtesy Psychology Today

How the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy Works – Psychology Today

The unfortunate thing with believing in self-fulfilling prophecies when you’re chronically ill is that it causes – at least for me – a great degree of added stress and anxiety. Even though I’m extremely ill, I find myself, quite often, trying to act better than I feel even though the chances of that making me feel better are slim. I always make the effort to be well-groomed and dressed when I go out – to make sure people can’t see how ill I really am –, even to doctors’ appointments where I’ve had at least one doctor comment on how well I always put myself together. I know that acting as if you’re not ill when you are may sound silly, but psychologically and emotionally it helps to keep me from falling too deeply into depression. It also helps me not feel pity for myself and rarely gives other people an opportunity to engage with pity for me or to treat me gingerly. However, acting healthy or completely well, when you’re not does take a toll on you; and I think, after just a few days into the visit with my cousins, I’m starting to feel it.

Yesterday, I posted about my cousins who arrived on Sunday for a two-week visit. They’ve only been here for two full days, but my body is already feeling the effects of acting as their host. On Sunday when we got home from the airport, we rested for a few hours, and then I made us a light meal for dinner. Not much for someone who is well but a lot for me. Yesterday, we spent most of the day at home because of the extreme hot weather we’re experiencing at the moment and to give them some downtime to adjust to the time difference and recover from jet lag. Then later in the afternoon, we went out to run an errand that didn’t take very long but involved taking a taxi, briefly walking through the local shopping mall, and a short walk home to give my cousins a chance to see the neighbour and get familiarized with it so they can go out without me when they choose. When we returned home, I cooked dinner for us, not giving any thought to the less-than typical day of activity I’d already had.

Well, here we are today. Not out on the day-trip I had planned for us because my legs, pelvis, hips, and back feel like they are on fire. This was part of the reason I had so much anxiety about them coming to visit. I know this isn’t a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it might be whatever the flip side of one would be. By not acting as if I’m ill and not taking my limits into consideration as I move about every day while my cousins are visiting I will cause myself more pain. Therefore, I have to be willing to admit, to myself most of all that I am ill and can’t do as much as they can do every day. I have to remind myself that there is nothing wrong with taking pity on myself for the purpose of self-care, or having others step in to do the things I can’t because all that means is that I’m taking more care of myself. But most importantly, I have to fully accept that I am ill so that when the extra pain kicks in, as it has today, I don’t get angry with myself or feel betrayed by my body.

One of my close friends who knows me well, especially how hard I find asking for help even when I need it, has taken my cousins out for the afternoon to give me some time to rest. I’m very grateful for his help and unspoken understanding. Being on my own for these few hours, I’m realizing that the longer I’m ill and the more I resist acting as if I am, the harsher the reminders I’ll receive from my body. As often as I’ve said in the past that I accept what is happening to me, it seems that I’m still quite a distance away from that being the reality.

 

Muse – Resistance

 

 

A Fortnight Of Busyness

Last year, when my much younger cousin said she wanted to come for a visit with her young daughter, I didn’t give it much thought because they are cousins from a favoured branch of my family tree with whom I enjoy spending my time. When I agreed that they could come, she immediately started scouring the internet for flights she could afford. As soon as she found one, she booked it and there was no going back.

However, as the day of their arrival approached, my anxiety level increased. What was I thinking inviting them – or anyone for that matter – to come stay with me when I know how limited my activity levels can be because of my pain? How am I supposed to handle daily outings to my city’s tourist magnets when some days I can barely handle going from my couch to my kitchen? Not to mention my body’s intolerance of high heat and the back-to-back weather warnings we’ve been getting because of extreme heat over the past few weeks.

Well, the year flew by and they arrived from overseas for their two-week visit yesterday afternoon. When I saw them walk out of the baggage claim area I was so excited to see them that the anxiety that had built up in me was forgotten. I gave my cousin’s little girl a huge hug, then embraced my cousin tightly. It was four years since I last saw them – not including our frequent video calls. It feels good to have them here, in my home, with me. I have activities planned to cover the span of time that they are here, but I’ve included rest days to make sure I don’t overdo it and land in the ER because of my eagerness to make sure they have a good time.

I know my cousin’s main reason for wanting to visit was to spend time with me regardless of my health, but I don’t want them to go home feeling disappointed in any way because of my limited ability do things. I also don’t want to have to resort to sending them out on their own every day or with people they hardly know because I’m in too much pain to move after a few hours out and about. These are some of the many thoughts that contribute to my anxiety. There are more – worse thoughts – but writing them all down means thinking about them, and I much prefer thinking about two of my favourite people in the world being here, just to hang out with me, for two weeks.

 

“Fly Away” – Lenny Kravitz

 

My Horrible Boss: It’s Settled

This is the last time I ever have to write about this issue and knowing that makes me feel good.

After nearly three years of aggravation, anxiety, sleepless nights, and constant worry, the battle with my, now former, horrible boss is over. Last week I went into court dreading having to see her or any of my former colleagues. I slept little the night before, which didn’t help with the amount of pain I felt that morning – or my nausea. Even so, I arrived at the courts early to meet my lawyer and get settled in for what I feared would be an ugly few days. When I entered the courtroom, I didn’t make eye-contact with opposing counsel and as my former colleagues, whom I once held in high esteem, filed into the room my body tensed up. Then she came in: the woman who started it all, she who refused to let me have a moment’s peace to focus on my still very poor health.

Shortly after everyone arrived, the presiding judge came in to the courtroom and the hearing got underway. Things didn’t go as I expected. Opposing counsel had taken a very aggressive stance, but once the judge gave her introduction and discussed her preference for the proceedings they toned down their position. Instead of immediately jumping to arguing motions and hearing witness testimony, they agreed to the judge’s recommendation to try another round of mediation – which they had minutes before made clear to my lawyer they had no intention of doing. I was stumped by what felt like an abrupt about-face.

The judge separated us like a group of small children and sent us to different rooms. The judge then moved between the rooms attempting to curtail the proceedings and make us accept a judgement that neither party would walk away from feeling completely happy about – as is the intention of most hard-nosed negotiations. At the end of about three hours of back-and-forth we arrived at a point that made both sides bristle somewhat, but meant that my three-year battle would end, without any further delay. It took close to another two hours to complete the paperwork and the precise language of the binding terms of the settlement, but it was over.

I have to admit that I shed some tears. Most of it was anger over what this person believed was acceptable behaviour for the past three years. She felt that it was okay to intrude in my personal life and put my health and recovery at risk because I chose to guard my privacy. She felt that it was okay to vilify me and turn my former co-workers against me – most of whom to this day have never bothered to find out how I am. And she refused to accept responsibility or atone for pushing this issue to a level it never should have reached, during a time when I am very vulnerable, or what this unnecessary battle has cost my health.

This situation has caused me to lose a lot of the faith I had in people who profess to work for the good of others. It has made me rethink what I will do with my life and career when I am well enough to return to work. It also dimmed some of the gloss through which I used to view the world because I needed to believe better things existed to make some of the more terrible things in the world a little easier to bear, so we don’t burn out or become jaded too quickly. Now I’m not so sure if that wasn’t just me still being naïve and refusing to accept that there are people in the world who do terrible things or abuse their power, just because they can. I’m not even sure if any of this matters now.

What I’m certain of is that this is over. I no longer have any necessary connection to my former horrible boss or the company. And most importantly, I can redirect and devote all the energy I’ve had to put into fending them off them for three years, into taking care of myself. I can truthfully say that I already feel a big difference mentally and emotionally; and I hope that any physical changes will soon follow suit.

 

Gary Jules – Mad World