Tag Archives for chronic illness

Gratitude and Creativity: And Then The Night Comes

My illness keeps me housebound, except for the odd occasion when I feel well enough to go out with friends or when I have medical appointments. Being stuck at home as much as I am, I spend a lot of time online. It’s how I stay connected to the world and keep track of what’s happening daily. It’s also how I get a glimpse into the lives of others. I know that sounds voyeuristic, but I mean it in the best way possible. Whether it’s reading news articles, watching videos, or reading other people’s personal blogs, I see so much – and I’m certain more than they sometimes want to reveal – about who they are.

One of the blogs I follow is ‘Kaffe con leche’, which is written by a young woman originally from Sweden, Maria Repa, who now lives in Bolivia with her daughter and soon-to-be ex-husband. Even though English is not her native language, the rawness of emotion in her posts caught my attention. I think I was most drawn in to her writing because I could relate to her sadness and longing for emotional support and connection, and her desire to fill what she calls the voids in her life. I can also remember myself as that once insecure 30-year-old, trying to define herself and make the best out of what the world was offering.

Yesterday as I was catching up on posts from Maria’s blog, one of her recent posts, ‘And then the night comes’, lit up my brain. I had to write her a response. I did it the only way I can when I’m struck by so much emotion: with a poem. I hope my words help her feel a little less lonely and more aware that she is connected to the world in more ways than she realizes.

 

And Then The Night Comes

My Horrible Boss: Bearing False Witness

I head into court later this week, on the opposite side of the table from a group of people I once considered friends and trusted colleagues, including my horrible boss. I’ve heard so much negative tripe about who they claim I am that it’s been hard not to buy into any of it. I know that when people have their backs against a wall they will do what they feel is necessary to survive or save the thing they love. However, the level of character assassination I’ve been subjected to because I decided to shield my privacy when I became ill and fight for my long-term disability and extended health benefits, would be enough to make the Dalai Lama lose faith in human beings.

Opportunity & Loyalty

The thought of going through this, on top of the amount of pain I’m feeling, makes me feel even more sick. While preparing for the hearing with my lawyer a few days ago, I cried when he read me some parts from the witness statements of the people I used to work with so closely, talk about life with and some I even socialized with outside the office. I’ve been told not to take any of it personally because they are scared and probably desperate to hold on to their jobs.

But here’s the thing: Integrity is integrity. No matter what day of the week it is because telling the truth in tough situations says a lot about a person. Not to mention, how terrible it is taking the opportunity when someone is at his or her most vulnerable to stomp on them some more.

My anxiety is rising, which means that my pain level is rising. All I can do now is trust that telling the truth will deliver a just result, and that I’ll be able to calm myself enough not to land in the ER again this week.

 

Eric Clapton – Tell the Truth

 

Gratitude And Creativity: Heart In Motion

A few days ago as I scrolled through the pages of one of the many blogs I follow, yet another post led me to an artist new to me; and a wellspring of inspiration I otherwise might not have found. While visiting artist Deb Riley’s site, I followed links to a post she wrote about 103-year-old Japanese artist Toko Shinoda. This incredible woman works with a centuries-old Chinese art form: sumi ink paintings and prints. Her art merges traditional calligraphy with modern abstract expression, which immediately grabbed my attention. However, Toko Shinoda’s personal description of her work was what inspired me most. She states, “Certain forms float up in my mind’s eye. Aromas, a blowing breeze, a rain-drenched gust of wind…the air in motion, my heart in motion. I try to capture these vague, evanescent images of the instant and put them into vivid form.”

It was impossible for me to read Toko Shinoda’s words and not write poetry. It continues to amaze me that I started this blog because I was in a constant state of feeling overwhelmed by my illness and the strong pain medications I need to manage my pain. Even though my pain and illness stubbornly persist, my heart and spirit are positively affected each time I connect with posts shared by other bloggers, in this endless universe of talent and creative storytelling. Surprisingly, this space, meant to be a place to purge – somewhat coherently – all the things that are too hard for me to voice to anyone close to me, is transforming me with each post I read and write.

Heart In Motion