Tag Archives for chronic illness

Gratitude and Creativity: A Year Of Banking Positives

I’ve been reflecting on the year that passed, trying to identify the best thing(s) that happened. Unlike other years, this time it wasn’t too difficult to pinpoint what I should put at the top of my list. Flipping through my memories, a few things, and people kept coming back to the surface. Much of them related to my illness and all that has happened, or hasn’t, because of it. Surprisingly, there were more good things than bad that filled my thoughts, which puts me in a positive frame of mind as this new year unfolds.

The best thing that happened to me last year, by far, was having a new surgeon assigned to my case. If I wasn’t sent to him for a second opinion, I’d probably still be sitting here with a growth in my pelvis waiting to see what might happen to it – would it grow larger or mutate into something cancerous as some speculated – and what would happen to the rest of me as a result. It took one meeting with this surgeon for things to take a more positive tone and move forward more rapidly than they had at any point since the start of my illness. Within weeks of his first assessment, I had pre-admission tests scheduled and my surgery date was set. I had surgery last August, close to the second anniversary of the frightening start of my illness, and although my recovery hasn’t been smooth, the surgical outcomes were better than anyone could have expected because the growth removed from my pelvis was benign.

The physical pain that growth introduced to my life was the catalyst for some of the other good things that are now part of my life. Because of all the pain medications I take to function daily, I had to find new ways to express myself. I started by writing a journal that focused on my pain and how I was coping with it. That journal eventually became this blog, but I soon realized I needed more to fill my life: I needed to reconnect with my creativity. I found so many creative ideas and tools online. I started an art/gratitude journal, which made me realize that who I’ve always been isn’t gone, although the fog of pain medications sometimes masks it. That spark of self-recognition helped me start writing poetry again and made me feel less disconnected and dulled. I’m also teaching myself how to draw; this came about purely by accident when I found Zentangle, which has the added benefit of being a meditative practice. My life is full of colour now – I literally have coloured pencils, pens, markers, sketchbooks and paper all over my place – when I never imagined there could be room for anything creative with this illness and constant pain.

Life
Hope

Many of my relationships also changed and some became stronger because of my illness. At this point last year I felt alone and very isolated. The feeling of isolation shifted a bit when I started this blog and made connections with people living in situations similar to mine. From their stories, I learned how chronic pain and chronic illness could take a heavy toll on your relationships with friends and family and on your relationship with yourself. Articles and blog posts I read spoke of incredible loss and loneliness because people are afraid to share the truth about their circumstances or they had people turn their backs on them when they did share the truth. I had those fears about sharing and I did lose relationships with people who didn’t want to deal with what I’m living with, and I even had some family walk away from me. However, the people who encourage me to be honest about how I feel (physically and emotionally) and want me to ask them for help are incredible. People, who a few years ago I might have considered casual friends, are now some of my closest friends. Friends I’ve known for decades are now even closer and do whatever they can to support me and keep my spirits up when pain overwhelms me. The love from these friends and the family that stand by me makes me feel less afraid about being open and less isolated, even though I spend most of my days alone.

Chronic pain and illness continued to change my life in 2015. However, as I look back, most of the positive changes wouldn’t have happened without them. I never make New Year’s resolutions and I’m not going to change that now, but I am going to hope that my bank of positive experiences continues to grow.

 

Gratitude and Creativity: Inspirograph

Yesterday, Christmas day, while I was resting I became a bit bored so I went clicking through the interwebs to ease my boredom. I was fortunate to find a site that brought back some great childhood memories about toys my cousins and I begged for when we were children. The specific toy I remembered yesterday was Spirograph. It was amazing to create colourful designs using plastic discs that looked like cogs with holes in them and coloured pencils and pens. With those few things it was possible to spend hours hypnotically filling the white space of sheet after sheet of paper.

The site I spent a couple of solid hours on yesterday is Inspirograph. Inspirograph is a website where you can use a digital application to mimic the movement of the Spirograph discs. When you open the site in your computer’s browser, you can create designs as intricate and colourful as if you were using the toy from your childhood.

These are only some of the designs I created yesterday using Inspirograph. If you find yourself with some free time on your hands check out the website. I’m certain I’ll be using Inspirograph again to occupy my mind creatively.

I Won’t Let Pain Stop Me From Comforting A Child

I love my cousin’s children. It was incredible witnessing the birth of her third child a few months ago and having been there makes me feel a strong connection to him. However, her older son – he turned three recently – is working on staking a permanent claim on a corner of my heart. He is one of the sweetest, good-natured children I’ve ever known. He’s affectionate, empathetic, already fiercely protective of those he loves, and hopelessly irresistible. So irresistible, it’s impossible for me to say no to him.

When I spend time with him, my lap becomes his favourite place to sit. He plants himself on my lap for comfort, play, and conversations I sometimes have to pretend to understand – after all, not all three-year-olds have perfect pronunciation. I also become his go-to person when he needs to use the potty. He comes to me, no one else, tells me he has to go, then takes my hand, and leads me to the bathroom. I have to hold him in place so he doesn’t fall into the toilet bowl while he does his business then clean him up, and help him get re-dressed. This may not be my favourite part of spending time with him, but the trust he places in me feels like an enormous privilege.

The only problem with not saying no to him is that it adds to my pain levels. Unfortunately, he weighs more than his newborn brother so having him sit on my lap is one of the best and least enjoyable parts of spending time with him – if that makes any sense. There’s also the issue of how often he needs to use the potty because it means standing and sitting back down for the countless trips with him to the bathroom; or wherever else he feels like leading me: getting snacks from the kitchen or finding his toys. All of this added activity puts a strain on my legs and pelvis; and is most likely the reason I had the intense pain flare I wrote about in my last post after an overnight visit to celebrate his birthday two weeks ago.

Still, no matter how I try to justify it, none of this feels like a good enough reason to deny this little boy the physical closeness that gives him comfort, makes him feel secure, and happy. I also have to admit that even with the added pain; I don’t want to change how I interact with him because I want him to feel loved by me always.

 

Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young – Teach Your Children