Tag Archives for chronic illness

How Do Some People Do It?

It’s been about two weeks since a significant pain flare up locked my body in its grip. I’ve been trying to block out my pain through numbing my mind by mindlessly watching a copious amount of movies (all six of the earlier Star Wars) and entire seasons of TV shows, while keeping my legs elevated as much as humanly possible on my couch; then sleeping when my body allowed. Roughly translated, that means sleeping when the pain exhausts me. I’ve also talked to as few people as possible, on the phone, or in person because it felt like talking required energy I didn’t have and added fuel to my pain. Fortunately, somewhere inside me the same question kept surfacing: How do some people do it?

How do people with unbeatable diagnoses and/or prognoses beat them? Over the years, I’ve seen countless stories about gravely ill people who inexplicably recover from an illness, for which there is no cure; recover from accidents, when the odds were heavily stacked against them; or learn to walk again after breaking their spines. How do they do it? Are there people blessed with superhuman healing? Are they resilient in a way that science is yet unable to explain and capture in a treatment or deliver in a pill? What is it about a person that makes them so tough they can fight through the worst life throws at them?

I want to know. I need to know because I want to be one of these people. I want the strength to heal my pain, even if it initially causes me more pain and because I want to get better like these people worked so hard to do. This illness that still causes my doctors confusion more than two years after it started and four months after major abdominal surgery, well, I want to figure out how to beat it – with or without a positive prognosis. I wish I knew exactly what I’m fighting to better understand the options I can apply and how to find more if the first set don’t work. But I don’t know; yet, I don’t want to limit myself to what my doctors tell me I can or cannot do to heal. I don’t want to limit my life at all.

I don’t know how other people do it, but I want to beat the odds that seem so highly stacked against me, even if it means approaching each day as if it was the biggest battle of my life. I don’t want to spend more two-week spans feeling helpless or that I’m trapped by pain. I’ve lost a lot because of this illness, but I know it’s time to figure out how to regain fully at least one of the things not completely lost: my fighting spirit. I’ve had to fight for everything my entire life, but I lose a little more of that spirit each week I spend lying on my back.

 

Bon Jovi – It’s My Life

The Right To Take Up Space

I believe some people undervalue the benefits of therapy. Because of therapy, I can admit that I’m lying: to everyone in my life and to myself. Whenever anyone asks how I’m doing, I say I’m fine. Of course, that’s not true, but it’s easier than telling everyone who asks how much pain I constantly feel. It’s easier than having a conversation that’s all about my pain and me. The question is, is that what’s best for me. Is that what’s best for the health and longevity of my relationships? Is that what’s best for anyone living with chronic pain or a chronic illness?

I had a virtual therapy session earlier this week, and as I was talking through my feelings – and fears – with my therapist, the truth of what I do, repeatedly, struck me. I lie to everyone because I don’t want to take up too much space. To limit the amount of time spent talking about my pain I put a smile on my face and brighten my voice regardless of how terrible I feel. Leaving people to marvel at how healthy I sound and look. I hide my pain when I don’t say no to people in my life who ask me to go places and do things I know my body can’t cope with, or will take days to recuperate from. I do whatever I can to appear “normal” so I can avoid talking about my pain in any circumstance that isn’t clinical.

The thing is, I have the right to take up space. Before this illness came into my life, I wasn’t an extrovert but I lived my life more openly with the people who are close to me. I talked more about myself, and the ups and downs in my daily activities. Now, I feel as though I need to keep those ups and downs to myself. I feel the need to hide what I’m feeling and thinking about – a life with chronic pain – from everyone, so they don’t worry; I don’t have to answer questions; and I don’t take up too much space.

While talking to my therapist, it stunned me to realize that I feel this way about myself. I don’t know for sure that this feeling wasn’t alive in me somewhere all along, but I know that it’s not true or right to feel this way now. No illness should prevent any person, including me, from actively occupying her or his space in this world. I don’t know how I’m going to silence this feeling or reclaim and refill my space, but I believe recognizing that I feel this way because of my pain can only help me get better, and stop me from feeling so small.

 

OneRepublic – Feel Again

Outshining A Mockingjay

I slept through my mid-morning medication alarm yesterday morning, which set my day back by a few hours. When I woke up and took my pain medication, it was about 11:45 AM. I took my medication but couldn’t manage to stay awake. Lucky for me, my friend J isn’t a stranger to the risks associated with making plans with me. I finally called her around 1:00 in the afternoon – I was supposed to have called her at 11:00 AM. After we talked and finalized our plans it still took a while for me to get my bearings so I could get moving into the shower and ultimately out the door.

The plan of the day was for us to see the last chapter of The Hunger Games movies: Mockingjay Part 2. We saw the first part together last year and vowed that we would see this one together. My friend J is a huge movie buff; and although she likes to see movies as soon as they are released in theatres, she waited for three weeks to see this with me because my pain made it impossible for me to go any sooner. Seeing movies with J is one of the things I look forward to doing now, not simply because it gets me out of the house, but because we always have a great time and getting lost in a movie takes my mind off how I’m feeling for a few hours.

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 2

Mockingjay Part 2 didn’t disappoint. The opening scene picked up where the last movie left of perfectly. It was a little strange to see Philip Seymour Hoffman in a newly released movie, but I think the character he plays would have been missed. Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss Everdeen dominated the story and the screen and there were some unexpected twists. Overall, I thought it was a good 2 1/2 hours with the right balance between drama, action, and my pain.

After the movie, J and I followed through with the usual ending to our movie outing routine and grabbed some food to take back to my place for dinner. We hung out for a few hours more. While eating we caught up on what’s been going in our lives in the past few weeks that we hadn’t covered in any of our check-in calls. I also finally gave her the presents I got her for her birthday, which passed a few months ago – I had a bit of trouble remembering to order them in time for the actual day. As I hoped, J loved the presents, and I must admit putting a smile on her face beat out a day at the movies with the Mockingjay.

 

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2 Official Trailer