Tag Archives for chronic illness

Technical Difficulties Are A Pain

As if it’s not tough enough to be stuck at home in pain, this week I’ve been plagued with technology problems. My laptop crashed a few days ago and I did everything I could think of, which turned out to be a lot considering how foggy my brain is most of the time, to get it working again. I tried the easiest thing first: running a virus scan. The scan seemed to run forever and then for reasons unknown to me the anti-virus software interrupted itself. Just like that, without any explanation, it stopped and I couldn’t get it to run again. Then I tried to run a scan with the program built into my laptop that’s supposed to keep your system safe if you don’t buy other security software. Well, guess what… That program froze multiple times and never got very far in any of the scans I started. At this point, over a day had passed and I was on the verge of tearing my hair out.

The thought that occurred next, was that I should buy some new anti-virus/security software. The only problem with that option was my fear that if I had a virus or malware on my laptop, all my banking information would be spirited away and the thief would use my money for unspeakable things. I called a friend to ask if he would buy the software and register it online for me then send me the information I would need to install it on my laptop. My friend had a better, simpler idea that did not require an immediate commitment to a new product: download the trial version. That kind of idea can only come from clear thinking.

I did just what he suggested. I downloaded the trial version of a different anti-virus/security software program. The installation didn’t go as smoothly as I would have liked – the first time it was loading my system crashed again – but I finally got it on my laptop. I ran a full system scan, which took a few hours, but it was worth the wait. If I ever had a virus or malware, I don’t anymore. The software identified a list of threats but no actual virus or malware, and my computer is now being monitored by what seems like a more secure program.

Security Software Report

Was it a virus or some vicious malware that decided to rob me of my virtual connection to the outside world? Whatever the cause of my technical issues, the frustration of not being able to use my laptop for so many days was significant. I couldn’t stream TV shows or movies – a favourite pain distraction; no checking email – although that isn’t always a bad thing, but worst of all no writing or reading the blogs I follow. I know, these sound like massive first world problems. However, when you’re stuck at home in agony every day, and you lose the use of whatever tools you have that make your pain bearable, not having them makes things a lot harder.

 

Zapp & Roger Computer Love

 

Never Doubt Your Lived Experiences

Being ill with all these glorious old and all the wonderful new symptoms is teaching me a lot about the people in my life and myself. However, I think the singular most important thing is that I should never allow another person – not even a doctor – to make me doubt my lived experiences. What I’m living through cannot be completely understood by another person, so why should I allow another person to question my experiences. Why should someone else get to tell me how much pain I should be feeling, why I shouldn’t take so much pain or other medications, or believe they have the right to question why my surgery didn’t deliver the results they expected. Why am I allowing their questioning about my health to make me doubt the value of my lived experiences?

I’ve caught myself allowing some of these doubts to creep in before. This morning a close friend reminded me why I shouldn’t allow that to happen. I spoke to him yesterday about the swelling in my legs and feet then sent him a photo so he could see the extent of it. He called me this morning to tell me how shocked he was by the photo. His exact words were, “When someone tells you their feet are swollen you try to imagine it, but when I saw the photo of your feet I gasped.” He was shocked at how “unrecognizable” my feet are. He said he couldn’t imagine how I must feel or what I’m going through while trying to cope with this on top of everything else.

His expression of empathy toward me was the jolt I needed to remind me that I should never doubt myself. Because of doubting myself, I was delaying going to see my family doctor to get my legs and feet checked because I told myself the swelling isn’t a big deal – the swiftness with which my doctor responded to my email yesterday clearly says I’m wrong. I downplayed this symptom because I was allowing the voices from other people telling me I should be better by now to cloud the reality I’m living with. I’m not better yet. My surgery did not eliminate my pain. I’m taking a significant amount of pain medications because they make it possible for my body to move so I can do basic daily tasks. My legs and feet are swollen beyond recognition and the swelling is adding to the difficulty I already have with walking.

What I’m experiencing is real. What I read that is written by others with health issues, general life issues, or just things from their lives they want to share, are real experiences. No one ever has the right to make another person doubt their lived experiences – their reality – and I have to remind myself of this more often.

 

Adele – Chasing Pavements

My Legs Remind Me Of Elephants

My legs and feet have been swollen, to differing extremes, every day for the past week. When I say swollen I don’t mean the type of swollen you get after walking all day. I mean swelling that’s making it difficult to walk. There is so much swelling it’s impossible to see whether I actually have ankles. My legs look like my feet are stuck to the ends of my calves without the forethought that I might need to move my feet independent of moving my entire leg. The swelling is also making my usual pain more difficult to bear.

I’ve been taking photos of the swelling to document it for my doctors. I started taking photos of changes to my legs and feet last summer when the swelling first started because it was a new symptom but it was intermittent; and I thought it would be valuable for my doctors to see what was happening. The photos I’ve taken this past week show a new pattern in the swelling. In the past, elevating my legs for the day would help reduce the swelling. I don’t know why, but staying off my feet and elevating my legs isn’t helping now.

I emailed the photos I took today to my family doctor so she could see how severe the swelling is. She responded to my message immediately and asked questions about whether I have other symptoms. She asked, “Do you have any shortness of breath, chest pain or coughing?” Luckily, I don’t have any of those symptoms. Because I don’t have any of the symptoms she listed, she said we would discuss the swelling when she sees me. I called the office and scheduled an appointment for the earliest time slot, which is this coming Monday.

The photos I took this morning reminded me of elephants’ legs. I looked up some photos on Google, and amazingly, those photos opened memories from a happier time in my life. The memory was about a day I went to our local zoo a few years ago. It was a special day because it was the first trip to the zoo for the toddler daughter of friends of mine. She was so excited to see all the animals, and it filled me with joy to be there for her first visit to the zoo. I felt a small piece of that joy today as I thought about it. This photo of an elephant is from that day.

My Legs Remind Me Of Elephants

The elephants we saw that day are no longer at our local zoo. They were moved to an animal sanctuary in a warmer climate where they can roam through fields with tall grasses. I hope they are happy in those fields and are being well cared for. I’m happy I have the memory of that day to look back on, even if the swelling of my legs was what made it surface.

 

Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock – Joy & Pain