Tag Archives for illness

Surgery Is Awakening My Fears

I’m desperately hoping that someone out there can relate to what I’m going through now and give me some feedback on how they’ve coped with it. Since receiving the news that I’ll be having major surgery a few weeks from now my anxiety levels have started shooting through the roof and I’m sleeping even less – if that’s possible. With that I’ve been having nightmares and flashbacks – which I’m certain are related to past trauma – and I feel an overwhelming need to control or make right as many things as I can before the day arrives, even though I know this won’t be possible.

I’ve created a to-do-list of the practical things I have to do: power of attorney, pre-surgery appointments, financial arrangements (pre-paying bills), and post-surgery homecare needs, among other things. The list is almost finished, except for a few people I need to contact to let them know when I’ll be going into the hospital; and detailed instructions I need to write for the people who will care for me after surgery, but I feel like what I’m doing to prepare is not enough. Logically I know what I’m doing is right, but emotionally I feel as if I don’t have a clue about what to do. Listening to my body, I’m hearing mix of uncertain sounds in response to each thing I do and feeling waves of nausea as each day closes. I’ve experienced a mind-body disconnect before, but this time is different and I can’t explain how.

Circle ZIA - 7 Dollar Store Pens

Circle – Zentangle Inspired Art (ZIA)

The funny thing is that I’m not anxious about my surgeon’s abilities. I’m somehow anxious about my body’s ability to make it through something that ultimately is what it needs to get better. I don’t know how to calm my mind and body – even with the forced activity of my art/gratitude journal, Zentangle, music, and buckets of ice cream – beyond what I need to do to keep up appearances with everyone around me that I’m fine. I don’t know what to do in the middle of the night when it’s dark and I’m most alone with myself or in the daylight when the tears start and I can’t turn them off.

Does anyone have any experience with this kind of fear?

 

OneRepublic – Counting Stars

Surgery By The Numbers

Yesterday I met with my surgeon to discuss a laundry list of questions I started putting together as soon as he made the decisions that I need surgery and he would be my surgeon. My list consisted of twelve detailed questions with bullet points to cover all the possible combinations of what could happen during and after surgery; and how he might address all of those issues. He was very patient with me. With his team of two surgeons, he answered all my questions.

He gave me answers that included statistics about the probability about whether some things might or might not happen. For instance, there is a 10% chance that I might need a blood transfusion during surgery. That 10% depends on whether there are large blood vessels in or around the growth or other organs that could be injured in the process of removing the growth and cause significant bleeding. From my perspective, 10% is not a big number for probability of risk. The other statistical numbers he gave me were under 10%, and these low numbers gave me comfort.

He also talked numbers in terms of the size of organs. Did you know that your colon is about 5 feet or 60 inches long? He talked about how much of your colon and other organs you need to function normally. However, the one organ I’m most concerned about is my rectum. The rectum is about 18 centimetres or 7 inches long. According to my surgeon, you only need about half of your rectum for normal bodily functions. He does not believe that he will have to remove that much of my rectum. Therefore, I won’t need an ileostomy – temporary or permanent. Still, he did caution me again that imaging never tells the full story, so although he feels positive about what he will find we’ll have to wait and see what happens when he makes the incisions.

The last set of numbers he talked about related to my recovery. The typical recovery time required for someone who undergoes a resection – where everything goes well – is about six weeks. He will release me from the hospital after five nights if I am eating without any issues, there are no leaks in my resection, and my bowels are functioning normally. I will have my first post-surgical check-up three to four weeks after I leave the hospital. My surgeon will examine my wound to determine how well it’s healing. I will have staples in my incisions so he can remove them if I develop an infection. He will also use benchmarks like how I’m tolerating foods – solids vs. liquids – and how well my digestive system is functioning from top to bottom.

Surgery By The Numbers - My Hope

If everything goes well with the surgery, the rest will be left up to the pain specialists to manage my pain. My surgeon believes removing the growth will eliminate my pain. I hope he’s right. I know I have to be realistic based on what I’ve been living with for the past two years, but I hope his surgical skills combined with his optimism will lead to a full recovery of my health.

 

Brian McKnight – Win

Gratitude and Creativity: Light Up With Happiness

This past week was a good one – all things considered – with the news of a surgery date making it even better. What made it good to start? Last Tuesday, I went to stay at the home of my adoptive Aunt C. It’s the first time since I was about twelve that I’ve spent any extended time with her, but it felt like no time had elapsed. It’s not that I haven’t seen her at the odd holiday dinner or picnic over the years where I’ve received tight, warm hugs overflowing with affection that showed how genuinely she cares for me, but being in her house and having her spoil me for a few days was nice.

When I was a little girl, I used to spend weekends at Aunt C’s house. Sometimes the excitement of the weekend started early. I would get to take the subway by myself to meet her when she finished work, at a designated place, in the central train station downtown. Then we would take the train out to her house in a suburb outside the city. At her house, it would just be the two of us. She would make me my favourite meals and desserts I loved. Aunt C would take me to movies; we would go shopping; or we would just hang out around the house. On top of that, she would treat me to little presents that would light me up with happiness. My time with her was always so happy – and because I believed she was perfect – I once asked her to adopt me.

Light Up With Happiness - Shadow

Light Up With Happiness

I felt some of that happiness this past week, as she showered me with attention, care, and concern for my poor health. There was also a lot of laughter. So much laughter, that at times my pain increased, but I didn’t mind because it was good to laugh with her. We spent some time talking in detail about things that have happened in both our lives that it wasn’t always possible to talk about with crowds of people around at family events. At one point, I questioned myself about why I never made more of an effort to keep Aunt C close in my life, but I know the answer is my mother and the ever-present fear I had about betraying or hurting her. In some ways, it was a get to know you again week, and in others, we just picked up from where we left off years ago.

It won’t be too long until my next visit with Aunt C. Apart from wanting to keep our renewed connection strong; she offered to take care of me after my surgery. I already have plans in place for my immediate aftercare, but I’m grateful for her offer and I will go to stay with her at some point during my recovery. I’m also grateful for the chance to reclaim and rebuild a relationship that was important in shaping my understanding of motherly love. Although, most of all, I’m grateful I’m in a place, emotionally, where I can accept the love she offers to me.

 

Lee Ann Womack – I Hope You Dance